I’ve been back in India for five days now and am starting to feel more settled again. The first few days, I felt exhausted and at times sick with fear. I slept a lot.
The words of some of my friends kept echoing in my head about the insanity of me giving up my comfortable life and material possessions. I started wondering if in fact I had gone mad. I felt like running back to the safety and familiarity of my own country, where I had everything I wanted and could understand everyone.
But then I realised the cause of my grief — while my heart was in India, my head was still well and truly back in the western world. Not only was imposing my western standards on everything, I was looking externally for my happiness and focusing on what I’d given up — not what I would be gaining.
With shock I realised that I’d again developed attachments to so called ‘luxuries’ and ‘wants’. And I was struggling to let them go. I remembered longingly how free I felt at other times when I was in India — in Varkala and Manali — just living simply.
Then my sweetheart reminded me of how I said I felt, being stuck in the office every day in Melbourne. Oh so true! I hated it to the point I wanted to run out of there screaming. But it’s easy to forget those feelings when other ones absorb you.
I also realised that rather than giving my dream of the different life I wanted for myself over to the universe to play out, I was struggling to control exactly how it should be. I was also reluctant to give up anything (such as my comforts) to achieve it.
Again the dreaded western mentality was lurking — I was wanting everything and wanting it immediately. In a country such as India, it’s extremely difficult to control the outcome of anything, and everything takes time! The easiest way forward is acceptance and surrender, as well as appreciation of the concept of impermanence. Given this, these troubled feelings wouldn’t last forever, and neither would I remain in this exact situation.
So, I decided just to trust the universe with my dream and the outcome of what’s in store for me. It was also apparent that the more I sat around thinking about what needed to be done, the longer the cloud would hang over my head and continue to overwhelm me. Not only would this affect me, but it would also worry the people around me as well.
So I threw myself into cleaning the apartment, went shopping for decorations and food, unpacked my belongings, and cooked some meals. All this gave me some control back over the smaller things in my life and made a huge difference — in just one day.
The apartment is starting to look really bright and cheery, and just seeing my books all in their place on the shelf is comforting. I’ve also begun noticing and appreciating the little things — the way the apartment lights up in the midday sun, the groovy chandelier, the roominess of the kitchen and the smooth feeling of the granite benches (which are quite standard in India), the ease of having the market just below the apartment, and the rich smell of incense that weaves its way through the air at dusk. And of course I’ve got the company of my sweetheart, who’s just as supportive and sweet as ever. I think I’ll be okay!
Related Posts:
- Fear Over Moving to Mumbai
- Finally Finding My Feet in Mumbai?
- Destiny and The Dream Giver
- Meeting the Family in India
- How India Helped Me Find My Purpose in Life
- My New Year’s Resolutions 2009
- Answers to Questions About My Life in India #2
- The Hardest Thing About Living in Mumbai
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