I’ve been back in India for five days now and am starting to feel more settled again. The first few days, I felt exhausted and at times sick with fear. I slept a lot.
The words of some of my friends kept echoing in my head about the insanity of me giving up my comfortable life and material possessions. I started wondering if in fact I had gone mad. I felt like running back to the safety and familiarity of my own country, where I had everything I wanted and could understand everyone.
But then I realised the cause of my grief — while my heart was in India, my head was still well and truly back in the western world. Not only was imposing my western standards on everything, I was looking externally for my happiness and focusing on what I’d given up — not what I would be gaining.
With shock I realised that I’d again developed attachments to so called ‘luxuries’ and ‘wants’. And I was struggling to let them go. I remembered longingly how free I felt at other times when I was in India — in Varkala and Manali — just living simply.
Then my sweetheart reminded me of how I said I felt, being stuck in the office every day in Melbourne. Oh so true! I hated it to the point I wanted to run out of there screaming. But it’s easy to forget those feelings when other ones absorb you.
I also realised that rather than giving my dream of the different life I wanted for myself over to the universe to play out, I was struggling to control exactly how it should be. I was also reluctant to give up anything (such as my comforts) to achieve it.
Again the dreaded western mentality was lurking — I was wanting everything and wanting it immediately. In a country such as India, it’s extremely difficult to control the outcome of anything, and everything takes time! The easiest way forward is acceptance and surrender, as well as appreciation of the concept of impermanence. Given this, these troubled feelings wouldn’t last forever, and neither would I remain in this exact situation.
So, I decided just to trust the universe with my dream and the outcome of what’s in store for me. It was also apparent that the more I sat around thinking about what needed to be done, the longer the cloud would hang over my head and continue to overwhelm me. Not only would this affect me, but it would also worry the people around me as well.
So I threw myself into cleaning the apartment, went shopping for decorations and food, unpacked my belongings, and cooked some meals. All this gave me some control back over the smaller things in my life and made a huge difference — in just one day.
The apartment is starting to look really bright and cheery, and just seeing my books all in their place on the shelf is comforting. I’ve also begun noticing and appreciating the little things — the way the apartment lights up in the midday sun, the groovy chandelier, the roominess of the kitchen and the smooth feeling of the granite benches (which are quite standard in India), the ease of having the market just below the apartment, and the rich smell of incense that weaves its way through the air at dusk. And of course I’ve got the company of my sweetheart, who’s just as supportive and sweet as ever. I think I’ll be okay!
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
A beutiful commentary on what is really important in life….
I feel my life is greatly juxtaposed to yours. I left Melbourne very recently(March 10).
I loved Melbourne like it was my first love. Although i was born, brought up in India, all it took was 3 years in Melbourne.
I miss all the
Trailblazing on my bike- this is where i developed a love for the city where i’d be alone as far as my eyesight reaches at moments except for birds and my bike which reminds me a lot about ‘the road not taken’ by Robert Frost, i’d get lost myself in the maze of well planned darebin trails and further down the city (i can’t find myself like that in India),
Food- the variety of meats and seafood,
Parks everywhere you go- i changed about 4 accommodations while i was there and i found one everywhere in walkable distance.
Uni- i liked it. Lazed on the lawn on sunny afternoons.
Friends who get wasted- priceless.
Meet random ppl at Flinders square.
Fishing near docklands.
Feeding the ducks with leftover breads.
Meet up with some Car nerds at a deserted wharf – some safe hoon driving too.
Great Ocean rd.
Not having to deal with mundane things like bad plumbing and other little inconveniences.
I never really cared about big Malls. I only had knack for video games(thats what i studied for) , thats just about as consumerist as it gets.
Your views make me feel good and bad at the same time. I wish i had courage to face life in India like you do. It really fascinates me how you restrained your temptations to go back. I live in a very boring town(albeit economically well off) that doesn’t even have a proper cinema or sociable hangout place. Total disconnection to nature. People,filth and dust(textile industry – sweatshops). No one is doing anything about the towns’ infrastructure although there is a lot of BMWs,Benz,Audis there aren’t proper roads and driving etiquette. No wonder people immigrate to bigger cities like Mumbai,chennai etc. Trust me if you think Mumbai is uncomfortable at times. Its a nightmare here. Tirupur.