Despite my irrational fears, I’ve now stayed with my husband’s parents twice in the last couple of weeks, while my husband has been away. And I survived! Not only that, I learned so much. I’ve even started to read Hindi.
The first time, despite my protests, my mother-in-law came to get me. She didn’t want me going on the train and having to find my way there by myself. It’s a long way from Kandivali West to Dadar. It was an interesting experience for her. She discovered what it was like to be out in public with me.
As soon as the taxi driver heard us talking in Hindi, he started questioning my mother-in-law. Oh, she speaks Hindi! Where is she from? What is she doing in India? Where are you from? How long have you been in Mumbai? What does your husband do? And so on.
Then, of course, there was the staring. As soon as we got home, my mother-in-law remarked about it, and advised me not to speak to any of those men who stare. It’s fortunate that I’d given up telling such men to udhar dekho (look away/stop staring) long ago.
During my stay, my routine mostly consisted of sleep, eat, watch TV, sleep, eat, and repeat the cycle. I’ve never felt so lazy and spoiled in my life! I was stuffed with food every lunch time, then told to sleep, and offered more food upon awakening. I got confused from being asked “abhi khaogi?” (will you eat now?) so many times.
The only time I wasn’t asked to eat was first thing in the morning. I was enjoying lounging around in my nightwear and drinking my coffee, as I usually do at home. However, I started noticing the absence of food. Everyone else had been eating, but where was my breakfast? Instead of being asked if I would eat, I was being asked if I would shower. Something wasn’t right.
From my sister-in-law, who fortunately speaks English, I found out that Hindus consider it to be unclean to eat before bathing in the morning (my husband doesnt’ have such a concern though). Of course, everyone was too polite to directly tell me that. After I’d washed, a steady stream of hot and tasty palak parathas came to me from the kitchen.
Spending time with my mother-in-law was very inspirational for me. I helped her with the cooking, and she helped me with my Hindi. I was amazed to learn how she came to Mumbai from Orissa 40 years ago, and taught herself to speak and read Hindi. I thought if she can do it, so can I.
I sat down and practiced writing the Hindi alphabet over and over again. I did row after row, until I started remembering it. Everyone was so impressed. Then, I tried to write their names. I got it hopelessly wrong, much to their amusement.
I also learned to play the role of a good Indian housewife. I brought the men water when they got home from work, served their meals, and cleaned up after them. I noticed my mother-in-law’s sense of pride over always having plenty food ready for them. She never grumbled when anyone came late. Rather, she was happy that they’d come home to eat.
I spent time chatting to my sister-in-law about Indian culture and way of life. I also learned how to make rangoli. It’s not as easy as it looks!
I loved spending time in their apartment, sitting on the window ledge and looking down to the every changing street scene below.
When I went back home, I felt like I knew and understood my husband’s family so much better. More importantly, I felt like their home had also become my home. At last, I wasn’t scared anymore.
Related Posts:
- I’m Still Scared of My Inlaws
- A Visit from my Mother in Law
- Stalked by a Tax Servicing Salesman
- Dreaming in Hindi
- Minding my Manners in India
- Indian Men Being Hand Fed By Mummy
- A Not So Merry Christmas in Mumbai
- Hindi for Shopping
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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
i think its very impressive you dont have any qualms fulfilling your duties as an indian housewife. i wonder if there are many women like you from the western world
Thanks so much! I think I’m a bit of a rarity.
Shanulk, Sharell stayed with her in-laws for a short time only. Now, if she’d have to live with them for the rest of her life, I doubt she would or could do that.
Western women also stay for periods of times with their in-laws, and sometimes even live with them for a number of years, usually for financial reasons, and so do western men sometimes live with their in laws.
I think the real question is; are Indian men willing to live with THEIR in-laws?
Thanks. If I had to stay with MY parents for the rest of my life, I probably wouldn’t be able to do that! Actually the kind of interference of indian parents in their childrens’ marriage is unheard of and will not be acceptable in the West. I think its very commendable that this gori girl did that and cherished the experience, no?
She did it for what? 3 weeks?
And she said all she had to do was eat and sleep and watch TV.
They spoiled her precisely because she was a foreigner.
Now, her Indian sister-in-law, that actually LIVES with her saas day in and day out – you think they are letting her just eat and sleep and treating her like a chota maharani?
Why not give some credit to all the miserable Indian bahus of Bharat or are forced to live with their in-laws and serve them day and night?
Ah, Paradesi Gori, I don’t understand your fascination with blogs about intercultural marriages – after all, you aren’t in one, right? Is it just the next best thing after the Indian American community blogs like Sepia Mutiny banned you, or is more of a crusade to save white women from those miserable Indian families?
My Indian husband says he isn’t willing to live with his own parents, let alone his in-laws. lol.
Hopefully I was well looked after at my in-laws house because I was a guest, not because I’m a foreigner! I’ve had to earn my respect in the family. Actually, I don’t think my mother-in-law even sees me as a foreigner any more. She commented to my mum when she was visiting that I’m Indian now. She even jokes that I’m becoming like Sonia Gandhi.
My mother-in-law has a big heart and is actually not at all demanding. She likes to be in control of her kitchen. My sister-in-law does help out with the cooking etc. (like I did when I was there) but she doesn’t really do a lot.
However, speaking of the poor unfortunate Indian bahus who are forced to live with their in-laws and serve them day and night, one of my husband’s sisters is precisely one of those. She had to go and live with her in-laws in their village in Orissa. The mother and father in law were so demanding, and made her work so much even when she was pregnant, she became very ill. The father-in-law refused to eat his chapattis unless she made them perfectly round and soft! Her marriage has not worked out at all well, and she’s had to come back to Mumbai to live many times. She’s a very intelligent, educated girl who wanted to do so much with her life. The whole situation has been very upsetting for the family.
Sharell is not the first. I think maybe I was one of the first to marry my Indian husband from UP in 1989 when we met in India. and he could not speak a word of english either. I lived in Sydney and went to India in 1989 and at the time when he came to australia where we decided to live and settle and have kids – there was only one other mixed couple who we met at the hare Krishna temple in north Sydney. to marry an Indian now is a far less rare thing.
Anthia, it sounds like you’ve had a very interesting and boldly lived life. I do admire your strength and courage because I’m sure you would’ve faced innumerable more challenges that I do these days. Marrying an Indian these days is becoming quite common! There are so many Indian-foreigner couples even living in Mumbai.
Palak Paranthas! Yummy! Can you write my name in hindi now?
मैं कोशिश करूँगी! रमित It could be wrong though because I don’t know whether your name has an “a” or an “aa”… or “i” or “ii”? I think it could be रामित actually!
hi sharell, i love ur blog. i an nepali. i am newly married.i was a bit scared before marriage that i am going to all my dreams, aspirations. but my inlaws are so supportive of me. they like me study, write .
i feel so lucky.
Hi Binu, I’m happy you enjoy the blog. Thanks for reading!
So glad to hear that you also have supportive in-laws too. It makes such difference. Wish you a wonderful married life!
By the way, I love Nepal. I’ve been there twice.
i too stayed with my In laws when i arrived from Mexico to Delhi and they were very nice,but a little bit shy to talk to me, his Dad was shy, his sister was shy and his Mom was even more shy because even tho she knows english she feels shy to talk in that languaje cuz she things she doesnt do it right jeje.
Wow, and she gave me food like 15 times a day, sometimes i just ate it because i didnt wanted to say no and oh my! i got sooooo sick from my stomach cuz indian spices were new to me jeje and i didnt use to eat so many seeds at all times of day jeje
The thing that made me feel little bit bad at the beggining was that when i used to wake up in the mornings his parents didnt say “Good morning! how are you how was your sleep”(Mexican people are very talkative in the morning usually, or at least my family)…they didnt say nothin at all, they just saw me and then maybe i started the conversation of they did it….i tought maybe they didnt liked me cuz they didnt said “good morning” to me jeje….but well my indian guy jeje told me that indian ppl are not use to say good morning , good bye, hello and that kind of greetings….some of them do but not all…jeje
Hi Patricia! I completely understand about the lack of “good mornings” and “goodbyes”. I too used to wonder whether my-inlaws didn’t like me much, until I realised that they behaved the same way around everyone, even their children.
Hi Sharelll….
I just stumbled into ur blog… just wanted to say tht…its really wonderful… can understand challenges faced by u… u have such an balanced attitude towards them… all the best… n enjoy ur life…
Hi Soumya, welcome to the blog. I’m so glad you are enjoying it and can relate to what I write about. Thanks so much for your good wishes. I wish you the best too!
hi
) totally agree with the lack of goodmornings LOL Mummyji and pappaji have reservations about me…its ok i understand that … i understand they are sacrificeing alot for me… i have a small family just me and mum..and mum wont be coming to india for our shaadi ( she is thrilled she LOVES my jaanuji) but ive done all i can…cooked with mummyji..brought tea in the moring…touched there feet ect …and even changed my name to jhoti ( panditji siad its good luck..lol Okay..lol im hqppy to do whateverit takes na) uff im ramboling its been a huge week..like i was constantly switched on..having to pay attention..if anyones got any tips for me please email me..as im going to india on 6 sept for my shaadi on 9th and ill be alone.. im happy but scared !! Shukriya
Just sent my in laws back to india after staying with me and my jaanuji fr one week…
after 5 years of happily living with there son..who i love dearly ..i met them !! ( they had no idea we where in a relationship) they where increadibly sweet to me, and i cant stress enough how helpfull knowing hindi has been,i think if i didnt know hindi..this wouldnt be possible…its increaditbly rewarding/ interesting and damn scary week for me…A ( mere hone wali patti .. 9 september panditji set the date