The topic of intercultural relationships seems to be a popular one at the moment, particularly relationships between Indians and foreigners. Therefore, I thought I’d talk a bit more about my relationship, and how I find being married to an Indian guy.
We’ve been married for almost year now, so his family have gotten used to and accepted me. I get along great with his friends, and they in turn treat me really well. They appreciate me for appreciating their culture, and trying to fit in. They even find me and my bad Hindi amusing at times.
The biggest problem I have is with strangers’ reactions to our relationship.
The fact that I am married to an Indian is greeted with shock by many Indians. I can read the expressions on their faces. Usually, it’s something along the lines of “why would she choose to marry him?”, as if my husband isn’t good enough for me.
The situation isn’t helped by the fact that I’m taller than my husband. I’m quite tall by Western standards (175 centimetres/5 feet 9 inches), but I’m very tall by Indian standards. I’m way taller than a lot of Indian men. Normally, I would prefer to be with someone taller than myself, but love is blind!
The point that I’m getting to though, is that I unfortunately and frustratingly tend to get treated with more respect than my husband.
The way a person is treated in India is very much based on their position in society. In fact, upon meeting someone, the first thing that an Indian will usually do is determine that position, then act accordingly. That is one of the reasons why Indians ask so many intrusive questions, such as “what do your parents do?”, “have you been to college?”, “how much do you earn?” (yes, they really ask that!), “are you married?”, and “do you have children?”.
There is a general rule though, and it’s based on skin colour and gender. White men have top position in the pecking order, followed by white women, then Indian men, and lastly Indian women. In my experience, if I go out somewhere with a gora (white man), he will be the one that gets the attention from waiters, shop assistants, and Indians in general. If I go out with my husband, Indians will usually defer to me.
There have been so many times that I’ve had success complaining about something where my husband hasn’t. There have also been many times where a place has willingly opened its doors to me and my white skin, but has resisted letting him in. I’ve even managed to make an unreasonable traffic policeman behave properly by reprimanding him.
Although I try not let it bother me, it does upset me occasionally. I see my husband as my equal, and I wish that other people would as well. It’s not fair that he should be treated as second class in his own country.
For me, this is probably the hardest thing about being married to an Indian and living in India. Unlike adapting to my new surroundings, it’s not something that’s likely to get easier either. My husband says that it might improve once we have children and look like more of a family. Hopefully, it will. Let’s wait and see!
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- The Difficulty of Dating an Indian Part 1
- The Difficulty of Dating an Indian Part 3
- Civilised, Well Mannered Indians?
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“Yeah, go there and you can see for yourself. Just like I did.”
NRI, are you telling me you’ve seen each and every brahmin in Bengal or India? Unbelievable, can’t believe you without proof, NRI. You haven’t seen every brahmin in India. You must’ve seen a few but not all. NRI, strict brahmins when they eat meat dont remain strict anymore. Only those that keep their religious principles are strict. You are talking about meat eating brahmins and I am talking about true brahmins who are true to their belief, no matter where they are.
Peaceful country? It is more like pre-World War Europe, with violent clashes cropping up now and then between states. Even as we speak, there is a riot going on in Telangana region of Andhra Pradesh.
It would have been much more efficient. Low productivity states wouldn’t have dragged down the high-productive ones. Moreover, people would have had a REAL national identity, which boosted their morale to better their nation. It worked to bring Europe to bring it out of its stagnant “Dark Ages” (which incidentally was after Bismarck ‘united’ Europe the way Nehru and Tilak did with India).
The British and Americans are not gods. Their ‘predictions’ about countries and cultures they don’t understand are usually baloney. Their ‘domino theory’ of communism was the biggest and saddest joke of the last century.
NR: “It would have been much more efficient. Low productivity states wouldn’t have dragged down the high-productive ones.”
But, regional fanaticism would be more prevalent as well. The prosperous states would have made a union, trade etc. which would have raised the inequality. Ultimately, prosperous states would have joined to gather to extract resources from newer or lesser prosperous states (this includes much of Pakistan and Bangladesh as well). This would have led them to more conflicts. I see gains and losses both ways. Nevertheless, I am from a prosperous state as well, and I would also prefer what you said slightly more than a “united India” .
States prosper when people unite and work towards making it a better place to live in. When certain factions come into power, you see dark aged conflicts and chaos. People fighting over each other over splitting a state apart for whatever lame reasons.
They would have to pay for extracting the resources. It would have be a more fair system, unlike the present where states with higher population and more Lok Sabha seats get higher priviledge over smaller ones.
Abdullah k: “They would have to pay for extracting the resources. It would have be a more fair system, unlike the present where states with higher population and more Lok Sabha seats get higher priviledge over smaller ones.”
Let’s go to India and make partitions.
Hi, just found your website. I am also a foreigner in a relationship with an Indian, living in Delhi for three years now. I can relate to many of the things you have said, except I am in a lesbian relationship, so it gets even more complicated. I can relate to so many of the things you have written about i.e. racism, culture shock etc. Keep it up!!!
Hi LAM, my gosh, I can imagine the confusion and complications. People in India have trouble accepting gay relationships, let alone ones between foreigners and Indians! Wishing you all the best for your relationship…
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