The topic of intercultural relationships seems to be a popular one at the moment, particularly relationships between Indians and foreigners. Therefore, I thought I’d talk a bit more about my relationship, and how I find being married to an Indian guy.
We’ve been married for almost year now, so his family have gotten used to and accepted me. I get along great with his friends, and they in turn treat me really well. They appreciate me for appreciating their culture, and trying to fit in. They even find me and my bad Hindi amusing at times.
The biggest problem I have is with strangers’ reactions to our relationship.
The fact that I am married to an Indian is greeted with shock by many Indians. I can read the expressions on their faces. Usually, it’s something along the lines of “why would she choose to marry him?”, as if my husband isn’t good enough for me.
The situation isn’t helped by the fact that I’m taller than my husband. I’m quite tall by Western standards (175 centimetres/5 feet 9 inches), but I’m very tall by Indian standards. I’m way taller than a lot of Indian men. Normally, I would prefer to be with someone taller than myself, but love is blind!
The point that I’m getting to though, is that I unfortunately and frustratingly tend to get treated with more respect than my husband.
The way a person is treated in India is very much based on their position in society. In fact, upon meeting someone, the first thing that an Indian will usually do is determine that position, then act accordingly. That is one of the reasons why Indians ask so many intrusive questions, such as “what do your parents do?”, “have you been to college?”, “how much do you earn?” (yes, they really ask that!), “are you married?”, and “do you have children?”.
There is a general rule though, and it’s based on skin colour and gender. White men have top position in the pecking order, followed by white women, then Indian men, and lastly Indian women. In my experience, if I go out somewhere with a gora (white man), he will be the one that gets the attention from waiters, shop assistants, and Indians in general. If I go out with my husband, Indians will usually defer to me.
There have been so many times that I’ve had success complaining about something where my husband hasn’t. There have also been many times where a place has willingly opened its doors to me and my white skin, but has resisted letting him in. I’ve even managed to make an unreasonable traffic policeman behave properly by reprimanding him.
Although I try not let it bother me, it does upset me occasionally. I see my husband as my equal, and I wish that other people would as well. It’s not fair that he should be treated as second class in his own country.
For me, this is probably the hardest thing about being married to an Indian and living in India. Unlike adapting to my new surroundings, it’s not something that’s likely to get easier either. My husband says that it might improve once we have children and look like more of a family. Hopefully, it will. Let’s wait and see!
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@ Crystal, “…Yes..it is hard being married to an Indian man!…”
This is why I support ‘Indian women getting married to western men’ – this is more logical, and hence, easier. But, I am pretty much against ‘western women getting married to Indian men’. Because, my experience and observation about Indian men is that, no matter how westernized they are, at some point in life, usually after 40, Indian men are likely to feel ‘a pull from their own culture’, even while in the west.
@ Crystal, “…to know the Real Indian Man I married…”
Exactly, you will find many ‘Real Indian Man’, who seem to possess two minds – one Indian and one western.
@ Crystal, “…But I do have to agree adjustment is far easier outside of India!…”
In terms of adjusting with an Indian hubby, it’s more or less same. Because, you never know when your most westernized ‘hubby’ become ‘Indianised’!!!
@ Crystal, “…But I 100% advocate that Joint Family Living is not a healthy lifestyle and should be banned!…”
Um, as far as India is concerned, the ‘marriage’ should be banned first. And then, we can think about banning ‘joint-family’. If you look closely enough, you may find that joint-family is often ‘economical’ in Indian societies. If almost every couple wants to live separately, it would never work in India, first, India may not have that many accommodations, and even when there are, many couples may not afford the price.
Amit, where does this leave you and your relationship with the white girl then? And are you going to feel a similar pull from the motherland at some stage in the future?
@ Sharell, “…Amit, where does this leave you and your relationship with the white girl then?…”
Um, it leaves me as I am, undecided and confused. Regarding my girlfriend, I have clarified and addressed the issue few weeks ago, now it’s up to her (since then I have been blogging here!!). I don’t mind 100 break-ups, as break-ups only affect you emotionally and personally. but I would surely mind 1 divorce as divorce affects your social and family life as well (I don’t want this ‘bonus’ you get from the divorce).
@ Sharell, “…And are you going to feel a similar pull from the motherland at some stage in the future?…”
I think I may already be feeling it (and I am not even 30 yet). Plus, there is another side to it – while growing up in India, I had felt a pull for the ‘west’, but it may merely have been ‘an alternative’ for me to ‘escape’ India and its problems. Now that, I have gotten over it, I may want to go back!!! This may equally be true for ‘white women’, they may as well want to go back at any point, one never knows, so why get married in the first place?
@ Crystal, “…Yes..it is hard being married to an Indian man!…”
If anyone wants to marry a person from different culture, then he/she must be ready TO ADAPT AND ADJUST to that person’s culture.
No point complaining.
Your hubby might say ““…Yes..it is hard being married to a white woman!…”
@ Ronny, “…Your hubby might say ““…Yes..it is hard being married to a white woman!…”
It’s much harder for white women than Indian men, especially white women living in India. The difficulties faced by Indian men have more to do with their inability to ‘compromise’ enough and/or limitations or ‘assumed responsibilities’ on certain matters!! The difficulties faced by white women has more to do with ‘fitting in a new family or society or culture’. And there is often no solution to it, of course, other than divorce.
These men were never westernised in the first place. They went to the west for material (and/or sexual) prospects; their cultural and ideological attachment to the west was close to nil. Once the sheen of ‘dollar dreams’ wore off, they wanted to get back home, to the land of familiar culture and people.
Crystal: “But I 100% advocate that Joint Family Living is not a healthy lifestyle and should be banned!”
Then why are you doing it? There are MANY Indian women in India itself nowadays who demand a separate home from their in-laws. If they can do it, so can you. There is no reason why you should be living in a joint family home. When other Indians are not doing it, why in the world is an American doing it?
The joint family system works only for people who were raised that way, conditioned and socialized to it. And even amongst some such people, they are also leaving that lifestyle.
@ Abdullah, “…These men were never westernised in the first place…”
First, How many Indians do you think go to the west mainly due to ‘the cultural or ideological attachment to the west’? Let’s say at least some do, then the second question is, what’s the definition of being ‘westernised’? ‘Going back’ doesn’t mean ‘physically going back’, but rather start following certain ideas or beliefs out of responsibilities or feelings (that may typically be considered ‘Indian’), which you may not assume at a young age or while single. For example, Sharell her self admitted of having never talked to ‘any Indian man’ while she was young in college (please correct me Sharell), how did she end up in India with an Indian man, then? Simple answer – as you grow up, you learn new things, your perspective may change, and many other things that may affect you or your liking.
Having said that, if both partners are from same culture, they were raised the same way, so no matter how different they are as persons, they can at least easily recognize the issues at hand with out running into great conflicts, whereas in inter-racial marriages, couples are more likely to run into conflicts even on smaller issues. Again, understanding and compromise will beat any conflict!!
Crystal, what is your husband’s relationship with his mother like? Have you yet found any patterns in the Indian ma-beta relationship that you interpret to be, well, a bit on the Freudian side???
@Crystal: “But I 100% advocate that Joint Family Living is not a healthy lifestyle and should be banned!”
i am wondering how can joint family living be “banned”?????
i mean how can u accomplish that “legally”!
Not a lot, but they are there. Salman Rushdie for one. And possibly, many other undocumented people, like perhaps the parents of ‘Sharell’s Celebrity Doppleganger’. Also a lot of Old Goans who moved out after it ceased to be a home, like my dad for example.
It could be because at that point of time, she might not have met an Indian she felt comfortable with. An Indian man who looked at her as a person, not as another ‘white chick’ he could hook up with. Men like Sharell’s husband don’t usually end up in Australia.
Sharell doesn’t have to worry about her husband doing a U-turn in his forties, because she married a genuine Indian man, not someone who westernised himself to suit her. However, she might make a U-turn if she compromises too much on her comforts to be an Indian wife (which is neither healthy nor realistic expectation of her).
@ Abdullah, “…Also a lot of Old Goans who moved out after it ceased to be a home,..”
Um, I have heard this before, ‘home’. You know what Salman Rushdie said about ‘home’? Take a homely guess!!!
@ Abdullah, “…she might not have met an Indian she felt comfortable with…”
Um, this is one thing that she may not have met an ‘Indian’ she felt comfortable with. There is another thing that she may not have tried at all, or enough. There is one more thing that she may not have needed to try that at that point in time.
@ Abdullah, “…because she married a genuine Indian man, not someone who westernised himself to suit her…”
You are being little too judgmental here, if one is naturally westernized (not like those ‘Indian men’ you alluded who ‘fake’ to be westernized just to hook up with white women), is that a ‘key’ to successful marriage? I suppose not. What, the ‘genuinely westernized men’ don’t get divorce? Or are you trying to say that ‘men’ who get divorced are all ‘fake’?? There is another flaw here, the ‘fake westernised’ Indian men would surely want to hook up, but are not likely to ‘marry’ white women in the first place!!!
No idea. You tell me.
All of them are equally probable.
There is no ‘master key’ to a sucessful marriage. Everyone has to find their own key that works. As for divorce, I can’t figure out how it came up. The point was about Indian men doing a U-turn on their commitments to their western wives at the age of 40. Divorce and unsuccessful marriages are another matter altogether. (Personally, I don’t believe in marriage in any case, so the talk about divorce is moot).
True.
@ Abdullah K., “…No idea. You tell me…”
He said, ‘we are all homeless, and have constantly been in search of home since ages’. This is one of the most ‘impressive’ statement/idea I have come across.
@ Abdullah K., “…The point was about Indian men doing a U-turn on their commitments to their western wives at the age of 40…”
There were two misconceptions here, on your part, it may have resulted from my Gujju-ness (inability to write clearly in English).
First, my point was more broad and general, about ‘all Indian men’ (I didn’t use ‘most’ or ‘many’), who are likely to feel ‘a pull from their own culture’, usually after 40 (so could be earlier). This also includes Muslims and Christian Indian men, and ‘their own culture’ which may still be quite different than the ‘western culture’. I also didn’t explicitly mention ‘western women’ only, hence, it’s equally true for ‘all Indian men’ married to ‘Indian women’.
Second, ‘a pull from their own culture’ doesn’t necessarily mean ’spiritual pull’, but rather ‘general and obvious characteristics’ of Indian upper-middle class. An example would make it clearer. One of my friend, one of the most ‘westernized Indian’, born and raised in Dubai (a Christian-Anglo-Indian descendant and a ‘metal-head’) who broke up thrice (with white girls of course). The reason is one of the infamous, a few conflicts in ideology, especially, between his mother and his girlfriends, and he decided to ‘respect’ (submit to) his mother’s views more, rather subconsciously, and this is too, a ‘U-turn’ in commitments.
Kind of sums up my situation. But still, I have at least a place I could call home, even if a troubled one.
Somehow, my dad seems to have missed that train. He seems to have no stronger cultural pull that what he already did when I was a kid. (Although he does occasionally talk about the Goa during his times. However, it could be nothing more than nostalgia.)
By the way, if I were 40 and were to feel this ‘pull of culture’, what pull would I experience? Russian? Indian? Or would the ‘pull’ consider me not Indian enough to act?
@ Abdullah K, “…Somehow, my dad seems to have missed that train…”
May be he did miss the train, or may be, he just decided not to catch it even though he knew he easily could. May be, you were little young to know what exactly he felt when he was 40. Think about it when you are 40 yourself, you may have something to new. Just because you suppress your feeling doesn’t mean you don’t have that feeling!!
@ Abdullah K., “…what pull would I experience? Russian? Indian? Or would the ‘pull’ consider me not Indian enough to act?…”
This ‘pull is nothing but a feeling or realization which may be affected by things like your childhood memories, the way you were raised etc. Your ‘pull’ may also be the certain things you used to do which you don’t do anymore or it could be the things you could have done, but missed.
@ Abdullah K., “…However, it could be nothing more than nostalgia…”
Um, he did occasionally feel nostalgia. Don’t you think nostalgia is a very mild and/or temporary ‘pull’ of home?
@Abdullah bhai
“He seems to have no stronger cultural pull that what he already did when I was a kid. (Although he does occasionally talk about the Goa during his times. However, it could be nothing more than nostalgia.)”
May i know where you are currently living??
Just curious.
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