Comment posted The Difficulty of Being Married to an Indian by LAM.
Hi, just found your website. I am also a foreigner in a relationship with an Indian, living in Delhi for three years now. I can relate to many of the things you have said, except I am in a lesbian relationship, so it gets even more complicated. I can relate to so many of the things you have written about i.e. racism, culture shock etc. Keep it up!!!
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are purely based on what I have observed on this trip. Our trip is by no...
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Hi Sheila, happy anniversary!
So sorry to hear about the horrible experiences you’ve had though. Hopefully, Mumbai will be better as it’s a much more open-minded city. It really does depend on where you are in India. Fortunately, I don’t get bothered in Mumbai much at all. Although I have received the “prostitute” treatment elsewhere.
Thanks for your support. I do appreciate it!
Sheila, hopefully Mumbai will be better for you. I found it at least a little bit better, depending on what type of people you have to interact with. The part about people “scolding” you was funny. What goes through the mind of someone who feels they have a right to scold a grown adult? I’ve also exerienced it and couldn’t figure out what the hell they could be thinking. There’s no “live and let live” attitude in India.
Sharell, in India it is very common to find adults being scolded by other adults who are older in terms of age, position or relationship. It is considered an acquired right. But interestingly the same person who exercises such a right, also behaves with utmost deference and sycophancy while interacting with authority. This hierarchical stereotype is ingrained in the Indian psyche. This type of behavior is reinforced day in and day out. It is also common for people to ask uncomfortable probing and personal questions even to strangers, leave alone acquaintances. Even the highly educated display such behavior. Privacy is considered an unreasonable requirement. Many treat their spouses like a pet dog or a slave and feel a sense of ownership. Many live, but don’t believe in letting other’s live. There is a saying in Hindi ‘jiski lathi uski bhains’ meaning the one with the stick calls the shot. Darwin’s theory of the ‘survival of the fittest’ can be seen in its ugliest form. ‘I can gain only if you lose’ is the maxim people live by and our society encourages this mindset.
Hi Sharell, I like your blog, Hope you are doing well…
Well my name is Parag, from Mumbai, married to a (white) girl from last 4.5 yrs, I got married when I was only 25 fyi.
I live with my wife in Mumbai, and my situation is not very different from you, though I am 6′ & my wife is 5’5”, but still when we got out… every one for no reason just keep staring at us… I am not personally very comfortable with this, but my wife is ok with that… Unfortunately I am well settled in India, so cant move outside…
My advice to you… take your hubby to your country where people are not very racist or dont give much importance in indian – white relationship.
Best regards – Parag
Hi Parag, thanks for commenting, and I’m glad you like the blog.
It’s also really nice to hear that your relationship is a success story — 4.5 years.. great going. I hope there’s plenty more happy years to come! It seems like the staring is unavoidable, huh? 
It’s reassuring to know that it’s not just us who get stared at all the time. It wouldn’t be so easy for us to leave India either actually — both of us have our goals here, plus my husband too is established here. And my work is based on writing about India travel. So we are quite settled here. It looks like we’ll just have to put up with the staring for now!
Hi, Sharell!
First I want to commend you for this very informative blog. I stumbled upon this at the time when my Indian fiance and I have finally decided to start our married life in India.
We are getting married in December this year and will move to Delhi in January 2011.
And so to say that this blog is a rich source of information for me would be quite an understatement. I’ve only read a few entries and I am already overwhelmed.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and keep on writing. I do hope to do the same when we start our lives there. 
Hi Romina, welcome to the blog and thanks so much for your kind feedback. I’m glad you’ve found the blog helpful.
And I wish you a very happy marriage. I’d love to read about your new life in Delhi, so please do write!
@ All
What the hell is wrong with “Staring” …Its enough ..!!!!!
Everybody …is so worried about staring staring and staring….
Its just a stare..they are not shooting you or bombing you like the Nato troops IN Afganistan and Iraq.
Some people are so “unfortunate to be well setteled” in India.I am so sorry for thiirs and India’s fortune.
I guess you’ve never been continuously stared at, Mohit. If you did, you’d know how self conscious it makes a person feel. It is really unsettling having all eyes on you every time you step outside, even if you’re just walking down the street.
Staring is a problem for women. A woman, when stared at by a strange man, feels violated and uncomfortable. Her instinct tells her that “something is strange/creepy” about the way the person is staring.
It is like how you’d feel if you are stared at menancingly by a bunch of street hooligan at night.
I don’t even like being stared at by women (which also happens but definitely not as much as men)… it makes me uncomfortable full stop.
@ “Staring is a problem for women. A woman, when stared at by a strange man, feels violated and uncomfortable. Her instinct tells her that “something is strange/creepy” about the way the person is staring.
It is like how you’d feel if you are stared at menancingly by a bunch of street hooligan at night.”
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Street hooligans can be anywhere.Why its portrayed as ‘staring’ is the national sport of India..
Infact it is…but its harmless buddy … take it easy..
Hi Sharell
Congrats… and I enjoyed reading some of your blog posts. Mostly you might be right but sometime Indians give more attention to you also because they treat you as guest (to the country).
In America, things are not same. It is a country of immigrants so people are more open to other cultures.
It is also true, in general Indians feel way too conscious , you have to agree that if someone is received warmly and is treated as equal, he/she will shed off their inferiority complex. It is a two way process. For long West has seen East (Indians) as inferiors. It is only in recent times situation has improved. I guess it will take some time.
In the end, I would like to say, more of what we see come from inside us (rather than outside world). What it would feel like if the most popular guy/girl in their college, stop getting all the attention.
I do wish, India start treating you well.
@ Sharell
“I guess you’ve never been continuously stared at, Mohit. If you did, you’d know how self conscious it makes a person feel. It is really unsettling having all eyes on you every time you step outside, even if you’re just walking down the street. ”
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Kya baat kar rahi ho ????
You know , I come from a very small town.Poeple are very concernred about each other.I went to boarding school at the age of 10..and whenever I used to come back home and roam around in streets , aunties ,sitting outside their houses along the lane would stare me continuously and chit-chat about me(Like ..you he is A’s son and is studying in XYZ school in xyz city..etc etc..) till I am out of limit of their ratinal focus.
Even in the market , whom I dont know , they used to stare at me and even asking question about my wellbeeing.. …
After school I went to collge in Noida but whenever I went to my town , staring continued..!!!!
It was a bit irritating in start but after a while I got to know ,they are concerned about me and are very humble people and just Plain curious.
To overcome this , I actually started greeting the aunties like (Aur kaisi ho ? sab badhiya??) then the effect of Staring came heavily down..
Try this….!!!!
It continues ….still…..
@ Sheila Gogoi
“Dont care for stupids indians that come here to speak bakwas!”
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just kidding
Hi,
It seems , you have had really unfortunate incidents while in India as your apparent anger suggests.
It was very unfortunate but not every Indian treat every foreign girl like a RENDI.The people who treated like yout like that, must be DALAL(pimp).
But yes, Brazilian Girls have got worst reputation here in India , I dont know why….
I guess because of VENGABOYS
I really hope and pray that you next visit to mumbai is full of respect and kindness and cortesy towards you and whoever treat you like a (RENDI) just SLAP him hard on the FACE. ..
Incredible India..!!!
Mohit:
Yeah, I agree. For some reason, Brazilians/South Americans seem to have the worst stereotypes, even worse than the stereotypes of Americans. Absolutely no idea why that’s so.
Hi everyone!
I am a European married to an Indian guy, so I guess I am also “in the club”
We just moved to Mumbai from Europe and I am trying to adjust. This may not be the right place to post this question but I would really appreciate some advice on the following:
- Where to get a good maid
- Where to shop for Western groceries like Balsamic Vinegar, Rice Milk etc.
@Sharell – Love your blog!
Tx All
PS – We live in Juhu.
Any Expat/Indian couples around here?
xxx
Hi Bombay Girl, you might want to check out this blog for advice: http://www.van-der-list.com/
They are a Dutch expat family living in Juhu. I also know of a French family living in Juhu. And I have a German friend who’s married to an Indian guy and living in Juhu area too. I think you’ll be able to find plenty of expats there. Where in Europe are you from?
Hi Sharell,
Hubby and I spent some time in Hyderabad a couple of years ago, so I had some time to adapt to the Indian ways [especially traffic, noise and pollution!!!]. However Mumbai is soo much better – I love it!
Thanks so much for the prompt reply! That’s really great of you.
I am from Austria – so I share the Germanic roots with your friend
If you could put me in touch with some people that would be great.
Will send you separate email with more details!
xxx
Bomaby Girl
Hi , How are you.?
Welcome to India.I am surprised if your husband is Indian then he should know about the place.
Anyway , I try to answer your question.
1.Where to get a good maid
Best option will be to strike a coversation with your neighbour.They know about it best and also the reputation of maids.If you live in an appartment then you should ask from the Security Guard because maid keep coming to them asking for employment in the society flats.
Another option will be to go for MAID AGENTS and SERVICES.Following is the link.
2. Where to shop for Western groceries like Balsamic Vinegar, Rice Milk etc.
Hypercity will be good but you can also try the store listed in the following link.
Thank you Mohit!
Unfortunately I can’t see any of the links you posted.
We already tried the security guard and have found our cleaning maid that way. Now I am trying to find another trustworthy maid who will cook, shop and run errands. Ideally it would be great if she also spoke some English. My husband tells me that those are very hard to come by!
I was thinking of Maid agencies but the net is full of horror stories about most of them being frauds, so if you do know a trustworthy one that would be great.
Tx
Bomaby girl
“Unfortunately I can’t see any of the links you posted.”
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You can blame it on Sharell.She is not letting me post a link. Some technical snag..
Regarding the fraud.There is advice of police here in Delhi that get checked and registred with Police before you hire any domestic help.
Dont think too much about it.Becasue Net is like a whole world.If yoi search for “Good Maid” , google shows link with Good Maid and If you search for “Fraud MAID” you get it same.Because everywhere , every kind of people are in plenty.
So dont think too much about it. Life is short and most bad thing happen in the society to spoil other’s plan.So dont plan and just do it in casual way…
If you meet Brazilian or Venezuelan women and understand how they’d fit into the Indian culture, then you’d know why.
Sharrell, your observation of indian society and mindset is absolutely right. What you are looking at (indian society) right now is a by-product of being ruled for 200 years by the white people (British!). Prior to the british rule, Indian society was much more civilized, elegant and beautiful. Under the rule people were made to believe that white are more sophisticated and civilized….. As the time passed by people had a misconception planted in their brains that white people, in general, are more educated, sophisticated than themselves. As a result people are fascinated by the white skin for the above mentioned reasons. Even in the Indian arranged marriages the parents, men/women look for fairer skin partners. This cannot really be translated in to racism based on skin color. Wanting a fairer skin partner is just a preference. Now, the Indians, even though who are getting highly educated, cannot come to terms that they are better than white people.
The current Indian is society f***ed up!!! Its like cat sitting on a wall. We are neither traditional nor modern society. This is where I hate the Democracy with liberty.
Hi Rahul, when I first came to Mumbai I thought it was a city having a huge identity crisis…. the young generation are surging ahead and adopting western standards of behaviour at an alarmingly rapid pace, while the older generation are still opposing sex education in Maharastran schools because it’s against “Indian values”. I wonder where both will meet? The future of Indian society really does worry me.
Absolutely, Sharell. That’s what worries me too. The rapid change in the “standards of behaviour” you are talking about, is nothing but the side effect of the sudden globalization. The “gear shift” is so fast that my generation (I am 25) is in fourth gear where as a generation before us (our parents with “Indian Values”) are still in the first gear. Evolution is something that is supposed to be gradual which in this case is not. And this is making things complicated for both of us that is why we are finding it difficult to come to terms with each other and the society. The current situation analogous to the ripples in water. There nothing we can do other than wait for the ripples to settle down. Indian Values, there is more to it than that meets the eye. It has much deeper meaning than what it sounds. It is a belief, which is Dharma and Karma. It is not meant to be followed blindly.
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