The topic of intercultural relationships seems to be a popular one at the moment, particularly relationships between Indians and foreigners. Therefore, I thought I’d talk a bit more about my relationship, and how I find being married to an Indian guy.
We’ve been married for almost year now, so his family have gotten used to and accepted me. I get along great with his friends, and they in turn treat me really well. They appreciate me for appreciating their culture, and trying to fit in. They even find me and my bad Hindi amusing at times.
The biggest problem I have is with strangers’ reactions to our relationship.
The fact that I am married to an Indian is greeted with shock by many Indians. I can read the expressions on their faces. Usually, it’s something along the lines of “why would she choose to marry him?”, as if my husband isn’t good enough for me.
The situation isn’t helped by the fact that I’m taller than my husband. I’m quite tall by Western standards (175 centimetres/5 feet 9 inches), but I’m very tall by Indian standards. I’m way taller than a lot of Indian men. Normally, I would prefer to be with someone taller than myself, but love is blind!
The point that I’m getting to though, is that I unfortunately and frustratingly tend to get treated with more respect than my husband.
The way a person is treated in India is very much based on their position in society. In fact, upon meeting someone, the first thing that an Indian will usually do is determine that position, then act accordingly. That is one of the reasons why Indians ask so many intrusive questions, such as “what do your parents do?”, “have you been to college?”, “how much do you earn?” (yes, they really ask that!), “are you married?”, and “do you have children?”.
There is a general rule though, and it’s based on skin colour and gender. White men have top position in the pecking order, followed by white women, then Indian men, and lastly Indian women. In my experience, if I go out somewhere with a gora (white man), he will be the one that gets the attention from waiters, shop assistants, and Indians in general. If I go out with my husband, Indians will usually defer to me.
There have been so many times that I’ve had success complaining about something where my husband hasn’t. There have also been many times where a place has willingly opened its doors to me and my white skin, but has resisted letting him in. I’ve even managed to make an unreasonable traffic policeman behave properly by reprimanding him.
Although I try not let it bother me, it does upset me occasionally. I see my husband as my equal, and I wish that other people would as well. It’s not fair that he should be treated as second class in his own country.
For me, this is probably the hardest thing about being married to an Indian and living in India. Unlike adapting to my new surroundings, it’s not something that’s likely to get easier either. My husband says that it might improve once we have children and look like more of a family. Hopefully, it will. Let’s wait and see!
Related Posts:
- The Difficulty of Dating an Indian Part 2
- Indians and Racism
- Goa is Not a Good Place for Indian-Foreigner Couples
- Indian Men Being Hand Fed By Mummy
- The Indian Inferiority Complex
- The Difficulty of Dating an Indian Part 1
- Why Do Indian Women Like White Men?
- Indians Ruining It for Other Indians
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Hi Sharell,
thank you for ur reply..ya Iam very pleased with whatever australia has given me, i came here as a student and after completing my studies iam working here with RBA. I could not has asked for anything better…. i have question in my mind i dont know wether to ask or not but i will ask it anyway…iam still wondering as i hvent read anywhere in your blog about why u dont like to come back to australia with ur hubby and lead a peaceful life, iam pretty sure you can get a good job back again and you guys can still stay in touch wid ur hubby’s family back in india. I dont know if iam trying to be too personal here but i would really like to know..the reason behind my question is iam very happy here i know if i stay here longer i can have very pleasant life but still i think somewhere something iam missing u know what i mean…
Oh, don’t worry, it’s fine to ask any kind of questions. And in fact, your question has been already asked a few times! I don’t mind answering it again though.
You are right when you say we could come to Australia and live a peaceful life (it is tempting sometimes. 
), but it wouldn’t be an inspiring life for either of us at the moment. Getting a good job isn’t something that interests me anymore — having a job that I’m passionate about is. I’m passionate about my job writing about India travel, my husband is passionate about his work in the music industry. That makes us feel really fulfilled. If we were in Australia, we wouldn’t get that kind of fulfillment at the moment. Plus, life in Australia can be mundane and sterile. Spirituality is missing. Joy in things such as festivals is missing. In India, I’m constantly learning new things, and my mind is being challenged and broadened. There’s a feeling that anything is possible. In Australia, I’m not really inspired to do anything different, or try anything different. We may relocate here in the future, if the right opportunities come up. But for now, we both want to be in India.
Dat was kind of a problem for me & my hubby in da early stages of r marriage,since I’m fairer dan him.Plus,he belongs 2 rural India while my parents r from metropolitan Delhi.Even I usd 2 get hurt wen sm of r college friends or sm acquaintances in Delhi usd 2 pass remarks abt r skin tone or da urban-rural difference.Sm even went 2 da extent of pitying me since I was goin 2 liv wid my hubby in Bihar!(wich dey consider as a “downmarket” state)I usd 2 gt really upset wenevr sm1 commented abt us.But gradually,ppl stop making remarks wen dey c dat u r happy living da lyf u chose & dey eventually realize I guess dat der remarks r baseless n r nt goin 2 affect r relationship.Also,wot ur hubby says is ryt,once children r born,ppl start acceptin u as a family.My kids hav inherited my skin tone,bt nw,no1 remarks bout us being fair n him being dark.
You’re amazing Suhani.
I really am so glad you stopped by my blog. Hearing all about your life has helped me a lot. Even though you’re Indian, I still feel like we have so much in common with our situations! You give me a great deal of hope for the future. I feel positive anyway, but you inspire me more with your happy outcome. 
White people are given importance NOT because you are top in pecking order but you are guests, educated middle class Indians try to be extra polite so that you carry a good impression of our country knowing how touts in tourist places take advantage of foreigners and charge you more money etc. Waiters and hotel employes are specificcally instructed for that.
If that’s true, it’s very kind and considerate.
But still, people with white skin are given a lot more opportunities in India. Doors WILL open for them, while remaining closed for Indians. Take this for example: The launch of Haagen Dazs in Delhi. The preview event was initially to be restricted to International Travellers with International Passports only! While it may be a good thing for foreigners, it only serves to create a divide between foreigners and Indians, as foreigners being superior.
http://blogs.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/randomaccess/entry/sorry_indians_not_allowed1
Hi Sharell,i was browsing through and just stumbled on your website and i came to know u r an australian..i came to australia for my higher studies and iam doing it…i really wanted to ask this question that i stay in a shared accomodation and we have ausiie girls there too…they never talk to indian guys and even in uni i have seen a lot of girls like that i really wanted top know what do aussie girls think abt indian guys….since i have decided to spend rest of my life here and even my parents are like open minded in me geting in relationship with any cultured girl so i have no limitations or as such which normally indian guys would be having all my parents want is what ever i decide to be the family they want us to live happily….so even i wanted to get along with them and find a girl who would be joining me as my better half in the further journey of my life since iam standing at the brink if it….so it would be fantastic if you could give a piece of advice or anything….i even dont know whether iam right or wrong….so it would be really good if u guide me thro this….but this this iam a little bit reserved person….maybe it would be of helpful to u at some case…thanks in advance…ope to see ur reply soon…..
Kiran, stick with Indian girls.
Hi Kiran, I hope that Australia has been treating you well and that you like it there. I remember when I was at university, I never really spoke to foreign students because they were so different to me. I couldn’t relate to them (having never travelled overseas then) or understand their accents! It wasn’t that I didn’t like them. I just didn’t feel like I had much in common with them. From what I’ve seen of many Indian guys in Australia, they tend to hang out in groups of other Indian guys and can be a bit loud — or they keep to themselves. Hence, Aussie girls not being inclined to speak to them. Perhaps if you get yourself involved in some college activities or clubs, that would help you meet like minded people. It’s all about finding yourself in the right social setting, then hopefully the rest will come naturally. Please feel free to send me a message through the contact form if you’d like more advice. I’m happy to try and help.
@ Kiran
“even my parents are like open minded in me getting in relationship with any cultured girl…”
I agree with NRI. Try to stick with Indian girls as they are more likely the ones your parents will like and connect with. About Aussie girls or any white girls for that matter, you are less likely to connect unless you were Aussie born Indian.
Let me tell you what Sharell couldn’t because she may not want to sound rude or to hurt your feelings.
I have dated an Aussie girl for 7 months outside Australia. She was an exchange student at my University. At that time, she was completely new which helped us come closer. Nevertheless, she ignored me completely due to her arrogance/prejudice against Indian men in the first meeting. That’s what made me talk to her again as I was furious and wanted to find out the reason behind her behavior. She admitted that most girls in Australia think that Indian men are very sleazy, woe girls (harassment), and are not cool (Aussie born Indian men may be well received). She had experienced that many Indian men tend to check out girls in an inappropriate manner and even make comments such as “nice legs”. Our second meeting was more like confrontation, yet I managed to be humorous and sarcastic (may be, the same sleaziness helped me). Luckily, she used to enjoy sarcasm as much as I do. We didn’t realize when we started going out or liking each other. Similarly, we didn’t realize when we broke up (at least I didn’t for sure).
However, I am not sure how many Aussie women are like her, but I am sure of many Aussie (or white) girls being reserved, shy or arrogant towards other races/cultures other than western. If you have affection with white-skin only, you are going to fail. Don’t fall for their smile either as white girls often fake it (something different from Indian girls, and then your best bet may be eastern European girls). But again, people are different and laws of attraction are rather unknown (another way of saying “love is blind”).
So, Stay cool and respectful , know your self and be your self, be confident and make eye-contacts (but DON’T STARE). Mix with other Indian guys, but not too much. Mixing with other Indians men make you look like them and you will loose your individuality which is very important to retain in a new land. Plus, if your friends are morons, you will be considered a moron as well.
Good luck with you endeavor.
Amit, interesting experience you’ve had. And I’d say it quite accurately sums up the situation.
@ Kiran
From your writing style, I presume you are a traditional Indian guy with traditional Indian values. So I think it is a better idea that you to go by what NRI and Amit have advised – stick to an Indian girl. It’d be safer and a lot less of a heartache for you.
Sharell,
You’re right. It was quite a surprise to me and those 7 months passed like 7 days ( I can even say 7 minutes, but I guess that would be too less). There is a lot more to it which makes the situation even more interesting. I have shared this story to many people I know up to this point. Since you are an Aussie women, let me tell you the things she admitted when we were going out. I was not so shocked to hear “the sleazy Indian man” story as Indian women often cry about it. But I was very shocked to hear many other things she admitted.
1. She ignored me in the first place because she found me quite attractive. So she had to come up with a quick answer when I confronted her and the first thing that came in her mind was this ” Indian men are sleazy…”. And she said it thinking that this insult would be enough to scare me away or challenge my self-pride.
2. Had she insulated an Aussie/white guy like these, he would have considered staying away from her. But she guessed that I was more likely to come back to her as she had seen a few irritating Indian men coming onto girls. And I did go to her one more time.
3. She had mentioned once (before we started dating) that she has a boyfriend in Australia. I thought that many girls prefer to use this trick as a good excuse instead of saying “NO”. I had never even seen her talking to anyone over the phone or internet with anyone other than her parents.
4. Few days before her departure, she made another confession about the guy she had just started going out with in Australia before she met me. All this time, she didn’t think about him and now she is going back. What to do???
5. And then, she changed her flight-booking to an earlier date and left with out my knowledge or may be, she never told me the right date.
She did teach me a lesson though…
Oh no, it sounds like you had an encounter with a girl who likes to play games.
@@Amit
“”She did teach me a lesson though”"
Sorry to hear that.
What lesson did u learn??
Girls like these put people like Sharell into trouble!!!!
The lesson he must’ve learnt is, “Never trust a girl like that with eyes closed”
May be yes, may be no.
I used to think the same way for a while after she left. I think she was more of a confused person. Or it could be even me as similar thing has happened to me twice before. She did mention the guy beforehand. And I didn’t bother to ask anything in detail. “It was just a beginning, nothing too serious”, she said. And she maintained a similar statement again with not much contradiction before she left.
As my mom has said to me once, that though I am not too shy or introvert, I can not express my feelings easily. I often take things lightly even when the situation demands seriousness. And may be in doing that, I might give an impression of “insincerity”. Of course, I may have big ego as well.
my life is often entangled, not matter what I do…
@@Amit
“As my mom has said to me once, that though I am not too shy or introvert, I can not express my feelings easily.”
Sounds like me.
“my life is often entangled, not matter what I do”
Hahahaha….thats cool…..ur life is never boring i guess……
The lesson I learned is that I may have some sort of not-learning-ability!!;-)
Aren’t most women like that?
Not inexperience?
“”Not inexperience?”"
You can say “inexperience”, but then you learn from experiences, and if you don’t learn, you can also blame it on “your ability to learn”.
“”Aren’t most women like that?”"
As far as women and their characteristics are concerned, I would rather not comment or be judgmental due to the fear of generalization. Besides, men have already done enough research after women.
Well, you learnt from that experience, didn’t you? So you couldn’t have a learning disability.
Okay well, I’ll take it upon myself to make that fearsome generalisation. Almost all women play mind games with men, even without being conscious of it. The actual game and the intensity of it varies by culture and the dating experience of the woman.
Men did? And what are the conclusions?
Ofcourse women play mind games. They love playing mind games one way or the other. Its usually done to get attention since they love getting attention. Women even get jealous of other women. But then I’ve seen men that get jealous. Jealousy is a feminine trait and when men get jealous, they look like weaklings.
Abdullah K: “Well, you learnt from that experience, didn’t you? So you couldn’t have a learning disability.”
May be I did, may be I did not. Some times, “may be” becomes “yes” and sometimes “may be” becomes “no”. If you get 49 % in a course, you still learned something, but you still fail the course in North America, (not in India though). Didn’t you learn something? if yes, then why do you have to repeat the course? If no, then 49% can be considered nil. It is all about context or standard or relativity (remember that Jew). Plus, I may have learned something, is it adequate to be called “learned”?. People with learning disability do learn something, but it is not always adequate or clear to them to for us.
Abdullah K: “I’ll take it upon myself to make that fearsome generalization.”
Are you trying to provoke me or force me to “be a man” or are you indicating that I fear women ( or feminists).
I think you are a married man, aren’t you?
“Almost all women play mind games with men, even without being conscious of it. The actual game and the intensity of it varies by culture and the dating experience of the woman.”
Yes, they do, more often than not. Do you think men don’t play games?? Of course, their games are different. Have you told your woman that she is the most beautiful person or something like that. If you have, then you know that she is not. But you still say it. Sometimes, she is really beautiful to you and you are truthful about it. But then, she is not beautiful to me and many other man. And you know this too.
Abdullah K: “Men did? And what are the conclusions?”
The same stereo-types, or half truths etc , a few of which we have discussed.
A bit of both.
Married to what?
I do, but I don’t speak for all men.
I did when I was 14 and I thought my then girlfriend was the most beautiful thing on earth.
She could be. How would you know?
hello! ey i loved ur article! very nice im from mexico and i moved to India with my bf, hes from Delhi so i kinda know what u r talkin bout!
Abdullah K: “She could be. How would you know?”
She may not be beautiful to other men who have seen or known her!!
“Married to what?”
Married to a person or human being as we perceive and pronounce it.
“May not be” is quite different from “is not”.
In that case, no.
All women of India dont look the same. You can notice the difference as you go from state to state. Or from North to South or West to East.
@@Indian American
“”Or from North to South or West to East.”"
Dont forget the NORTH EAST!!!!
I forgot to mention the Northeast. The beautiful women there look totally different.
Ronny: ” Dont forget the NORTH EAST!!!! ”
The major distinction in India can be based on north and south only. west and east (or north west and north east) often overlap with in north and south. For instance, we either speak a Indo-Aryan (north) or Dravidian (south) as mother tongue. Similarly, we either it roti-chapati(north) or sambhar-dosa-vada(south) as staple food. Again, things overlap in India so much that such distinctions are never fully true. Such distinctions were mainly enforced by westerners in order to understand (and to divide Indians later on) the most complex cultures ever existed on the earth.
Middle eastern cultures may be considered more diverse than Indians. Nonetheless, India retains a distinct charm in her own sense and Indians can only appreciate such things more when they travel outside India.
Yes, there is certainly a third dimension of east/north-east as this region is somewhat influenced by mongoloids women (from south-east Asia).
It is a lot more complicated than that. People of East India and Goa are almost exclusive rice and fish eaters. Not dosa, vada, sambhar, roti or chapati. The North-Easterns and Goans also eat beef, which is forbidden food in North and South India. There are no overlaps here.
The North-Eastern India is South East Asia proper. Its being a part of India is a political misfortune.
Northeast India has enough mongoloid looking people cause their neighbors are mongoloid looking themselves, the Chinese.
Abdullah K: “It is a lot more complicated than that. People of East India and Goa are almost exclusive rice and fish eaters. Not dosa, vada, sambhar, roti or chapati. The North-Easterns and Goans also eat beef, which is forbidden food in North and South India. There are no overlaps here.”
Thanks for detailed clarification. Many Keralites also eat beef. FYI, in Gujarat, a few Muslims still eat beef (and a few Hindus from coastal area eat fish). So overlapping(more or less) is inevitable.
Abdullah k : ” Its being a part of India is a political misfortune.”
What about rest of India? Do you think the whole India is a political misfortune? why or why not?
A strict brahmin or a religious hindu would never touch any sort of meat. The same goes for sikhs, buddhists or jainists.
Most Buddhists reside outside of India and most of them are non-veg. Though of course there are some sects and pockets that are strict veg.
I think the concept of India as a single nation is a political myth. Indians don’t share a common language, a common culture or even a common identity (except the political identity of being an ‘Indian’). Yes, for some states being a part of India has been their misfortunes. Productive states like Maharashtra, Gujarat, Goa, Assam, Tamil Nadu, etc. could have done better if they were not bogged down by the unproductive BIMARU states.
What about Bengali and Goan brahmins?
I dont know about all Bengali or Goan Brahmins, but strict brahmins follow their religious ways. Strict brahmins are the same ones who use sanskrit during religious ceremonies. Never said all Brahmins are non-veg. Only the strict ones, they never touch meat.
There are very strict Bengali brahmins who chant sanskrit and the rest and yet still eat non-veg.
“There are very strict Bengali brahmins who chant sanskrit and the rest and yet still eat non-veg.”
Proof? Any statistics? Evidence?
NRI chanting vedas, puranas, and upanishads in sanskrit isn’t like singing a song. It takes a lot of determination to study it, and follow it. Just like how it takes a lot of determination to not eat meat.
NRI: “There are very strict Bengali brahmins who chant sanskrit and the rest and yet still eat non-veg.”
Such things are not easily categorized. Even if you are Bengali brahmins.
“There are very strict Bengali brahmins who chant sanskrit and the rest and yet still eat non-veg.”
Proof? Any statistics? Evidence?……
Yeah, go there and you can see for yourself. Just like I did.
She won’t be able to find them since no one needs to do an online survey on this. Bengali and Goan cultures are non-vegetarian cultures, regardless of religion, caste or creed.
Abdullah K: “I think the concept of India as a single nation is a political myth. ”
However, this political myth has yeilded a few benefits and a comparatively peaceful country (yet there are many problems). Imagine, if India were 30 separate countries along with Pakistan, Bangladesh constantly fighting with one another. Whatever is happening right now could have been happened on a larger scale. In fact, these have been predicted by many Britishs/Americans in 40′s and 50′s. Today, Pakistan is rushing towards partitions much more than India. (Even though Indian has all kinds of diversity compared to Pakistan).
I am sure you will present a different view about this.
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