An American friend of mine, who’s working in Mumbai, has met an Indian girl that he really likes. She’s in her early 20s and goes to college. They’ve been spending a lot of time together, and he wants to seriously date her.
Him being an attractive and well mannered guy just assumed the relationship would progress naturally, because it was obvious that they liked each other.
Not necessary so, I advised him. It’s not the done thing here. Having a foreigner as a friend is looked upon quite favorably, but crossing the line into dating defies the social norms which matter so much in India.
We all got together one afternoon. He picked her up on the way, but she met him in a hotel and not at her house. She also had a very early curfew. They had to leave by 7.30 p.m., so that she’d be home in time.
Coupled with my comments, this got him wondering.
He asked her what her position was in relation to dating foreigners. It turns out that it’s a big issue for her. Her brother and friends also advised her that it wouldn’t be a good idea. So based on that, she turned my friend away. Yet, she’s still eager to have long conversations with him on the phone each night. This has really confounded him.
I tried to explain to him the restrictive and gossipy nature of Indian society, and how foreigners are portrayed as lacking in the appropriate values. Thanks to TV and the movies, we’re viewed as people who like to sleep around, drink lots, and have little care for the importance of marriage and family. As well as that, foreigners in India are viewed as being here for a good time, not a long time.
Then, there’s Indian society, which loves to judge what everyone else is doing. Do something that goes against the grain, and it will bring disrespect to the whole family.
My friend made the interesting comment that in America, people who lead and pave the way are the ones that are admired. Yet in India, it’s the opposite — to be looked upon favorably, it’s necessary to do the same thing as everyone else and comply with society’s expectations.
Related Posts:
- The Difficulty of Dating an Indian Part 3
- The Difficulty of Dating an Indian Part 2
- The Difficulty of Renting an Apartment in India
- The Difficulty of Being Married to an Indian
- Why Do Indian Women Like White Men?
- Indian Men Being Hand Fed By Mummy
- Cooking Indian Food for My Family in Australia
- Indian Boys Dressed Up As Girls
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“Even if your theory were ever proved a scientific fact (and I’m not talking about soft science here like “sociology”)… most Indians who follow Vedic Hinduism are DARK! From West Bengal to Punjab, from Himachal Pradesh to Maharastra…. dark.”
NRI define dark. Does dark mean brown skin or does dark mean black color? The darkest ones I’ve seen are from South India. Some of them are as dark as Africans/Australoids.
“The number of “fair” Indians anywhere in India are low in the aggregate.”
Even if there are a few of them left, Indians still admire those fair skinned ones.
I see no such trends. The most popular South Indian actors and actresses are dark or olive complexioned. (Sameera Reddy, Chranjeevi, etc.).
In Ramayana, Ram was said to have a brown skin. In Mahabharata, Draupadi was described as a ‘dusky beauty’. Tell me that both these books were authored by someone with no idea of what ancient Indians liked.
Indian American,
You must not be well versed in genetics. Genetically, Indians are more related to each other than any other group. The genetic relationship between Indians, North or South, is not particularly close as Iranians have a lot of Arab, middle-East admixture. If you go by Spencer Wells, the people with the highest frequency of Aryan gene (R1a) are West Bengal Brahmins who by your standards are probably dark.
Having lived in the US all my life, I can only speak anecdotally and that is I don’t find Punjabis particularly lighter skinned than the rest. The South Indians definitely seem darker but among North Indians it’s not so clear cut. I also find Brahmins to be phenotypically unique.
hi please help,i met my indian boyfriend in scotland where im from and he was working. i was pregnant with my baby and we started dating and fell in love,ge overstayed his visa and was asked to leave uk so he went to spain where he has paid for me n my baby to visit (babys my previous partners) he has asked to marry me and we will stay where me and my children im scared to pack up my house and go to spain to live. i just need advice to seee if you think its a risky move. we have been dating for two years and he phones every day and loves my three kids and his mother has also sent me a lovely ring over from india as a gift
Tammy,
Just make sure whether he is planning to come back to U.K any time in near future. Try to test him, indirectly. Tell him that you would want to live in India or Spain after marriage, but of course, you would consider his wish first. (and then you see what he has to say). If he doesn’t have any such plans to live in U.K, then any move of yours will not be too risky. (as a side note, marriage is always a ‘risky move’, no matter where and for whom).
I smell a scam. No offense, but no mother is sending rings to a woman who has 3 kids from a previous relationship. Not. Going. To. Happen.
oops that posted before I was done. I don’t mean any offense, and that is not a judgment against you, Tammy. What I mean is that Indian mothers are generally a very traditional lot, and they almost always want their sons to marry women who come unattached. Even if their son is divorced, they will generally not pick a divorcee for their sons. And they generally would not approve of a woman who has 3 kids by another man. I think you should meet his family alone (put the kids with your parents for a couple weeks) and see what the reality is before you move anywhere with anyone.
@ tammy
From what you have said, the situation does smell fishy. Most mothers (regardless of nationality) wouldn’t want their son to marry a single mother with three kids. Sending you a ring from India sounds only too eager.
Im an indian girl ,living in India ,27 yrs old,never married and have no kids,i like caucasian white men as compared to indian men who are stuck in their heads,besides im a christian and belong to a liberal family,and my parents wouldnt really mind.So is there any white guy looking for a long lasting serious relationship with an indian girl???
@Heather
sharell has started a dating service now?
“sharell has started a dating service now?”
Sign me up! I’ve already got crushes on both Amit & Abdullah!
haha…
Sorry but I’m not at all into beastiality. I date within the human species.
@ Sharrell’s Celebrity Doppleganger, “…Sign me up! I’ve already got crushes on both Amit & Abdullah!…”
Your crush on me would get crushed immediately when you recall that I am just a narrow-minded mama’s boy!
i have met some of his family and having kids and being a single mother doesnt stop people from falling in love. in uk i know of many men who have settled with single mothers and are very happy and my bf family said its his life and upto him who he marrys its 2210 and things change.he doesnt care whether its spain or uk we live as long as he is with me. take it i just have to trust him eh and go 4 it. his fam also planning a party when we go to india after wedding and i cant wait x
@Tammy,
Your indian boyfriend wants to marry you to make good his plans of getting into UK or Scotland.No Indian mother will quicky accept a single mother having other partners’s children.She is also a partner in Crime.
@Heather,
You are foolish to want to date a white man.There is a whole lot of family support system coming with you if you marry an Indian man,his extended family etc.
hi all,if you have read my comments and understand my story why would my indian bf marry me have me give up my life introduce me to his fam and friends and flee to india and leave me stranded in spain with my kids?do you think someone could destroy a girl and her kids like that! surely if he wanted to go to india he wouldnt want to marry me eh???unless he needs to marry for papers to get back to india!! or do you have to take your english wife over to india to get your documents for uk?? feel free to comment as i need advice xx
Vikas said: Heather, you are foolish to want to date a white man.There is a whole lot of family support system coming with you if you marry an Indian man,his extended family etc…..
Vikas, some people don’t want the involvement of a big family. The involvement of my (ex) Indian partner’s family was exactly what tore us apart.
This article is currently in the Huffinton Post
HOW TO DATE AN INDIAN (Advise for Non-Indians)
A Jewish friend of mine remarked once, only half joking, that he believed Indians are the true Chosen People. With no offense to Moses, I had to agree. I lived in India for about three years and my husband (currently known as my husPad, thanks to his appropriating the iPad he “gave me,” — but that is another column) is from New Delhi, which, in addition to providing me with lots of Indian friends and in-laws, have given me a pretty good perspective on the desirability of the people from the world’s largest democracy — and how to woo them.
Before getting to “how,” let’s start with “why.” There are obvious reasons one would want to date an Indian, such as how successful and professionally desirable they are. Indians dominate as engineers, doctors, lawyers, venture capitalists and entrepreneurs. They make up a large proportion of our graduate students — just walk around the campuses of Harvard, Columbia or Stanford or and you will see these incredibly attractive brown people all over the place. Which leads to point number two. Indian people tend to be really good looking. According to Wikipedia*, “India holds the highest number of Miss World winners, only to be tied with Venezuela.” (*That feels a little like citing The National Enquirer but I am going to go with it.)
Most Indians are innately gracious, social creatures; they highly value friends and family and have a calendar filled with various holidays and occasions to celebrate, which they typically do with gusto. Those endless jubilant dance numbers in Bollywood movies pretty much channel the Indian soul. Moreover, Indian men love to dance. If for no other reason other than you want someone to dance with you (or without you for that matter), date an Indian.
Ok, now that the stock for single Indians is up, you need to be on your game if you want to date one. If you are Indian, you can skip the rest of this post and spend the next four minutes savoring your desirability. If you are not Indian, keep reading to learn seven things that should ingratiate you with them. The first five have to do with Bollywood. Indians take Bollywood and their celebrities very seriously.
1. SRK. Two things you need to know about these initials. One, SRK is short hand for Shahrukh Khan, one of India’s premiere Bollywood celebrities. Two, you must have an opinion about him. He is a polarizing figure. Indians either love him or hate him.
2. Favorite actor. If you are pinched for time, you can simply claim SRK is your favorite and move on. But, if you want to take some initiative, I highly recommend you familiarize yourself with some Bollywood actors and choose a favorite. Some safe, attractive possibilities: Salman Khan, Aamir Khan, Hrithik Roshan and Amitabh Bachchan. Kal Penn does not count.
3. Favorite actress. See above. You need to have a favorite. You could claim that it is Aishwarya Rai, who is familiar to most Americans, although you will then be suspect as Aishwarya, while extremely beautiful and successful, is a pain in the neck. She has a reputation for being a major diva. Better options: Rani Mukherjee or Kareena Kapoor.
4. Favorite Hindi movie. It should be obvious by now that you need to have a favorite Hindi movie. If you bust out something like, “Yea, I loved Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,” you are very likely to get a second date. If not something straight out of the Kama Sutra. One strong recommendation: “3 Idiots”. It’s a newish film with crossover appeal. Major bonus points if you suggest seeing a Hindi movie together. Most major cities have theaters that screen Bollywood films otherwise you can easily stream one through Netflix, etc.
5. Bhangra. Bhangra is the percussion-heavy music that is featured in most Bollywood films. It has an irresistible beat that will motivate even the most dance-phobic types to hit the floor. Showing an appreciation for Bhangra will score you points. Finding a place that plays Bhangra music and going there together is sure to get you something straight from the Kama Sutra, especially if you exhibit the right dance moves, i.e. patting an imaginary dog while screwing in an imaginary light bulb.
6. Food. Indians love their food. Probably more than they love dancing. Unless you are willing to take some serious initiative in the kitchen, plan to go out for an Indian meal. Although this can be tricky. Many Indians would agree that it is often tough to find a good Indian restaurant, even in major cities. If you want to be adventurous and score some points, I suggest you try cooking him/her a few Indian dishes. You can get the basic spices in most grocery stores. I’m happy to share a dal recipe that is unbelievably tasty. (Really, it is called “Mrs. B’s Magic Dal.”)
7. Language. Indians love when you speak their language. (Note: there are hundreds of languages spoken in India. Aside from English, Hindi is the most prevalent but not all Indians speak Hindi so you might have to determine his/her native tongue.) Before we got together, Sanjay was greatly amused by my reciting various things in Hindi to him. I got a tourist book and told him among other things, that I was missing my green socks. Now there are several iPhone apps that will give you translations. I suggest you pick up a few and break them out at an appropriate time, probably somewhere well into the second date. You don’t want your date to think that if things go south, you will resort to stalking.
Good luck and let me know how these suggestions work out. I hope Laxmi, Goddess of Prosperity, smiles on you as you endeavor to date one of her people.
Oh yea, I almost forgot to mention: one more big bonus when it comes to dating an Indian: communication with cabbies. Think I’m kidding? New Yorkers: Just imagine if you could stop a taxi during the 4pm transition time and your date could say, in Hindi, “Hey brother, will you please take us to Spring and 6th?” You’d find Laxmi did indeed smile upon you.
To Tammy –
Tammy, the truth maybe hard to accept -but an Indian guy -somehow who is dependent on his extended family and has ancestral land (means that the division of it is tied up between -he is trying to make a quick buck anyhow) is definitely not marriage material.
The fact that his mother did not have even the slightest hesitation in welcoming the idea of your marrying her son, shows that he is in on the fraud.
The most likely reason this guy wants to marry you is for getting citizenship of UK –then he would divorce you and get an Indian village girl as his bride.
Please understand that I am not saying this to make you feel bad –but as an Indian girl I can read the real story inside -it’s a cultural thing which you -not understanding this culture won’t understand.
An Indian guy willing to marry a white girl, a girl who already has 3 kids -is a very unheard of thing..definitely not what is called as ‘desirable’. It will be acceptable only in cases where the family is very modern –having grown up with lots of money and in cities like Mumbai or Bangalore. Any other case–it’s obvious the guy is trying to cheat the girl.
Hope better sense prevails and you understand him for what he is –a fraudulent cheat who is trying to leech off you.
@Indian girl
I know you’re acting in good faith but writing things like “a fraudulent cheat who is trying to leech off you” or judging her situation to be “definitely not what is called as ‘desirable’” is not on.
@ Indian girl, “…Tammy, the truth maybe hard to accept…”
There is no such thing as truth, it is only a probability with respect to mathematics and a point or value-judgment with respect to literature. Tammy’s boy is just an ordinary Punjabi who is less judgmental than YOU, in spite of being a villager.
@ Indian girl, “…It will be acceptable only in cases where the family is very modern –having grown up with lots of money and in cities like Mumbai or Bangalore…”
Not always. Rich and modern families can be equally or more judgmental on such issues. Similarly, just because a family is from village, it doesn’t mean it is too judgmental. For some villagers, foreigners are admirable exotic fruits.
@ Sharell’s Doppleganger
“Moreover, Indian men love to dance.”
Is this an Indian-specific quality really? Intoxicated teens smoking joints and doing ecstasy at one of those “hang-outs” in the west put a splendid show of equally jubilant dancing….So jubilant that they often end up knocked up.
“Indians love when you speak their language”
Indians love it even when they see people from different ethinc groups witihn their country being familiar to each other’s culture and traditions.
And what pray is Indian language? Hindi? Try some of that in south-Indian and North-Eastern states…..Good luck.
An American will be equally amused and thrilled to see an Andaman and Nicobar native tribesman speaking English and using cutlery for eating purposes. IN case you cant comprehend the cultural gap, maybe you should go and see one.
“Indians love their food”
So are we supposed to loathe it? Of all the kiddish posts that you have made so far, this one beats ‘em all. Arent Indians also considered as “unsocial” if they dont join their American counterparts for a hot-dog or a beer?
“Indians take Bollywood and their celebrities very seriously. ”
Dont Americans also love to watch the sleazy sextapes of their slutty celebs, who are actors by day and pornstars by night?
Abdullah K. treats you right, I must admit. You need to pop in some pills to enhance your intellectual growth process.
@ Doctor Death, “…An American will be equally amused and thrilled to see an Andaman and Nicobar native tribesman speaking English and using cutlery for eating purposes…”
Usage of cutlery is not a Western or American invention.
@ Doctor Death, “…Arent Indians also considered as “unsocial” if they dont join their American counterparts for a hot-dog or a beer?…”
I consider the invention of hot-dog much greater than the invention of computer technologies. The hot-dog reminds me of my dick everytime I eat my penis, the only difference is that the hot-dog is not as chewy as the typical male organ of copulation in higher vertebrates, homologous with the clitoris and urinary excretion.
God Bless America!
@ Amit Desai
I presume it wasnt a tribal invention either. Then again, if I am wrong, please do excuse my ignorance. I was only trying to compare the table manners of a member of a so-called civilised society and a cannibal.
And please dont mind me asking….why do you have to eat the hot-dog at all when it reminds you a sexually deviant fantasy/urge ?
@ Doctor Death, “…And please dont mind me asking….why do you have to eat the hot-dog at all when it reminds you a sexually deviant fantasy/urge ?…”
I think I must have been a cannibal who used to relish sexual organs in my past life. If I stop eating hot-dog and wieners now, I’ll die hungry in my next life when I’d be a dick-eating-cannibal again.
Americans are inversely Karmic I think.
@Amit Desai
“I think I must have been a cannibal who used to relish sexual organs in my past life. ”
Does it boost your manhood?
Or maybe help you grow an extra one?
@ Doctor Death, “…Does it boost your manhood?…”
It does in a sense. It makes you more of a dick or a dick-head. Anyway, the headmaster would be angry since we are moving away from the original topic of “Difficulty of Dating an Indian”.
On a second thought, we are not off-the-topic yet because a dick may also be one of the main difficulties of dating an Indian, especially for those who have had other men with a lot of manhood.
Let’s relax as we are not off topic and our comments won’t get deleted, hoorrayy!
@Amit Desai
“On a second thought, we are not off-the-topic yet because a dick may also be one of the main difficulties of dating an Indian,”
Yet another justification for calling “diversity” as “imbalance”.
Amit, can you cut that conversation? This is not relevant to the topic under discussion and would be rather gross to a lot of readers here. Comes off as cannibalistic.
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