The saga continues for my worldly friend from America, who wants to date a Indian girl who’s family comes from a village in Uttar Pradesh, but are now settled in Mumbai.
Despite her rebuffing his request for a relationship, they have continued to see each other. He’s teaching her ballroom dancing in his apartment. He also took her out to dinner at Souk, on the rooftop of the Taj Palace & Tower hotel. The catch? She brought a male chaperone with her on all occasions.
My friend didn’t mind the chaperone being there during the dancing lessons. However, he was a bit miffed when the chaperone accepted his (reluctantly extended) invitation to dinner as well. Souk is a wonderfully ambient fine dining restaurant, and he wanted the atmosphere and his time with the girl to be suitably intimate. Not possible with the chaperone there.
Nevertheless, my friend has been pleased with his ongoing time spent with her. He was even more pleased when she admitted that she found him attractive.
However, the result has been that he’s started seeing her as a challenge. He wants to broaden her mind and liberate her from the constraints in her life. He wants her to be free to think for herself, and act for herself.
My husband and I had dinner with him last night, and he narrated this whole story to us. Apparently, she also wanted to come, but her parents didn’t let her go out. The reason? She arrived home a little late for her 9 p.m. curfew the other night.
The girl is 23 years old, a college graduate, and is still expected to be home early every night. I can understand my friend’s frustrations, and his desire for her to learn a different way of life. However, despite his good intentions, I wonder is it appropriate?
My concerns are for her and her future if she does become independent and broad minded. It’s not likely that her family will welcome or understand the changes in her, or change along with her. They have so much control over her, they’re not likely to relinquish it easily. Even if they eventually do, where does that leave her? Most likely without the approval and support of her family.
In the West, it’s much easier for children to do as they please. Even if their parents don’t approve, the children are often not bothered about it. They don’t feel bound by duty to their parents. In addition, these days, Western society is liberal enough not to disapprove of many things. This is not the case in India. Living together unmarried is still a major “no-no”. Even love marriages to someone from a different caste are a problem for many families.
My friend will most likely go back to America this year. Marriage isn’t on his agenda at the moment, or in the short term. What will happen to the girl then? Her family certainly won’t be happy with her, she’ll no longer relate to them, and will be forced to find herself a set of broad minded Indian people to spend time with. I don’t even know if she’s emotionally strong enough to do that, or even wants to.
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Yeah, exactly why does he want to “change” her?
Maybe she is happy with her life the way it is. How would he like it if she tried to “change” him? Advice to women is always, “you can’t change a man so don’t even try”. Well men: you can’t change us women either!
That is just so darn true!
It appears to me that the girl is being cleaver by not give her all in the one go. Maybe she knows that he’s not going to be around in the long run and doesn’t feel it necessary to jeopardise her position in her family at this point of time, after all this is a city where movie stars still live with parents until they are married (and even after).
It seems a little unfair of your friend to expect her to compromise her values as well. The point is they are both in India, Her parents didn’t move from UP to USA they moved to Mumbai, and as liberal as the city is, its still apart of India.
I found this post most intriguing. Because it was something that I also took into consideration when I first met my fiance Bear.
I felt that he had so much more to offer the world if he would only allow himself more freedom. But I found that so much of his life and decisions were tied up with what he felt his family and society expected from him. I remember once I asked him “…but Bear, what do you expect from yourself?” He had an answer to that and it was a good and rightly formed one, but still I felt that there were things missing in it.
For instance, he mentioned life after marriage and his duties to his wife and family to support them and give them as good a life as possible. This is lovely and wonderful. However something in what he said and how he said it made me feel like he was going to sacrifice much of who he was as an individual to obtain that goal. I asked him about his Badminton and he said that once he was married he felt that this should only be done occasionally if at all. Now, I know my Bear…even back then I knew my Bear…and I know how much he loves playing Badminton (and cricket and soccer and chess and so many other things) so I had asked him if giving up who he was would ultimately make his family happy.
Ultimately, I don’t want to change him to Western views, I don’t want to change him at all. He’s perfect to me as he is… and I don’ t want him giving things up unless it’s for HIS own good. I want him to continue to cherish his views as they were formed by his family, society and culture, but to also try to not forget who he was as an individual.
Once we were an established couple and marriage was decided…I told him that he was to continue to play all his favorite games and that I fully expected him to either play with me occasionally or take me with him so I could enjoy seeing him play at something he loved so much. Even with children, I’ll want to do this…so I can point at their father and say “See? Look at your father! Isn’t he so very good! How proud I am of him!” I don’t want him to loose who he is, I want him to become all that he ever could be. I only hope I can be of some help during the process!
Plus…there’s nothing better in the world then watching my Bear kick some serious butt!
At the same time, as a woman, I like to hear when men are willing to sacrifice some of their own personal pleasure for the pleasure and security of their wife. My god, women have sacrificed so much for me through the centuries, and their are so many things we give up when we get pregnant and have babies……………. let the men also start giving up some stuff, damnit.
CORRECTION: “…not to disapprove of many things…” should be changed “…not to disapprove of ANY thing…” Haha They perhaps know that once their children are gron up they won’t listen to more or less anything they say, good or bad. Lol
I meant grown up…
I dont think your friend is particularly clever or smart about his own world view. I am not so sure his stay in India quite broadened his own experiences and ability to appreciate that the world does not have to be run according to the rules that he is most familiar with.
For myself personally, I have a dread of being controlled and I must admit the whole issue of women being controlled in Indian society is something that needs change. I also realise that change must happen from within.
Ballroom dancing and dinners at the Taj notwithstanding, the change towards greater emancipation must come from within society itself. While he may think he has only altruistic motives of broadening her mind, his efforts are largely for himself. They do not benefit her in any meaningful sense. Her emancipation, if she even desires that is a more complex issue than dancing lessons, talk of how the west lives and a casual relationship that will go nowhere.
I agree with your views of … where does that leave this woman when your friend leaves for home again.
I think he needs to retake these courses again… Indian Culture 101, and Things Travel should teach me.
Hi Kiran, thanks so much for your views on this complex topic. I agree that my friend hasn’t learned enough about Indian culture yet. He’s been in a somewhat isolated environment — he works at the Taj Hotel, and was even living there for some time. Now, he’s at the point where he’s started to realise some things about Indian society, but doesn’t have the bigger picture yet and doesn’t understand how everything is intertwined.
There’s no doubt that Indian society is changing. It’s really obvious with the current young generation. So many of them appear to be going to extremes though. The teenage girls drink, smoke, wear really short dresses, stay out til all hours etc. — so much against traditional Indian values. I really hope that a positive balance can be achieved. It would be a shame for India to become too westernised.
hi i met my indian boyfriend while pregnant with my baby we have been dating long distance he is in spain im in uk,he wants to marry in spain then go to india 4 2 weeks till i meet his parents,in so happy his parents have accepted me oh he also sent them a pic of me and his mother sent me over a lovely ring as a gift.im just wondering if there is anything i should beware of as it seems they are just a bit to happy.im just so happy and afraid he just wants a visa and scared that my bubble will burst!!! can someone please tell me what they think.(indian people plz)
@ tammy,
You suspicion may not be so wrong. From a little description, it’s hard to say about your boyfriend unless you provide little more background about your boy friend and his family. First, you said, ‘dating long distance’, so you have only met him online, right? and how long ago and what’s your boyfriend legal status in Spain? Does he seem to be in rush to get married? Is he able to come to U.K on his own?
Tammy, to be honest, I would be quite concerned. Indian people may correct me if I’m wrong, but there aren’t too many decent Indian families who would readily accept a foreign girl, who they haven’t met before, who’s pregnant with someone else’s child. It goes against everything that “good Indian values” are about. I would definitely suspect a deeper motive to their joy. I really don’t want to be so negative, but I just want you to be aware.
I have to agree with both Desai and Sharell, it does look suspect. His parents seem only too happy to have you, which is quite unusual for Indians in this situation.