Another topic that’s been attracting quite a few comments lately is that of issues which arise in desi-firangi and other multicultural relationships. Issues such as religion, in-laws, family dynamics, parenting, and education — which can easily break a relationship if they’re not agreed upon.
I’ve moved everyone’s comments to this post to bring the discussion together.
Fortunately, the big considerations haven’t really posed much of a hurdle for my husband and I. We are both spiritual more than religious. He’s a Hindu who went to a Catholic school (and probably knows more about the Bible than me!). I went to an Anglican school but am more interested in Hinduism than Christianity. We both love our parents very much but are also very independent from them. We often get frustrated by their views, because our outlook is much more worldly than theirs. We don’t want more than one child. We’ve agreed it will sleep in our bed until it’s mature enough to want to sleep separately. He’s willing to move to Australia with me in the future if I feel I need to be closer to my parents (I’m an only child and don’t want them to be alone in their old age). Likewise, I’d be happy to care for his parents if necessary.
I remember asking my husband, before we were married, if there was anything in particular and additional that he’d expect from me. His response was for me to cook lunch for him. Fair enough! That’s perfectly reasonable, after all my mother cooks lunch for my father as well.
As as result, it’s more our day-to-day behaviour that poses a problem for us.
I wanted to get my husband’s perspective on this, so I asked him last night what he’d found difficult about being in a relationship with me. Unfortunately, it was late and he was tired, so we didn’t have a lot of time to talk. However, he pretty much summed the situation up with one comment. My lack of “sab chalta hai” attitude. Uh oh!
It’s true though. Although I’m a lot more mellower now, I still often act in a manner that’s irritating for him. I don’t take it easy. I’m not so accommodating. I get annoyed by the everyday challenges in India. I’m always asking for more details about things. I often nag at him to be more punctual, more organized, cleaner, tidier. The list goes on. I even irritate myself with my behaviour sometimes, when I listen to how I must be sounding!
We seem to be meeting somewhere in the middle as far as adapting our behaviour goes, but it is still an issue at times.
Anyway, on to everyone’s discussion….
Related Posts:
- Should I Move To India?
- Cross Cultural Attractions and Challenges
- Indian Men Being Hand Fed By Mummy
- For Anyone Who Can Read Marathi
- The Difficulty of Dating an Indian Part 2
- Adapting to and Retaining Indian Customs
- The Changing Face of Arranged Marriages in India
- Should I Add a Forum to the Blog?
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“…and your views are perfectly valid and understandable…”
How about my views, Sharell !!!
Please refresh me, and give me the condensed version of what they are!
Thank you for your ‘condensed’ feedback on my views.
Now, I am aware that I must condense my comments or frequency of my comments (unless you want to keep yourself busy or to wait until I become ‘Shaunak Goswami’). 
To refresh you and give you the condensed version of my views (seriously), I can condense my views in one line: “More often than not, see the things the way they are, not the way they were told or interpreted.”
Sounds wise to me!
People do these things when they are in love, even if there is no obligation.
Amit Desai, there was a time when I thought I was turning into Shaunak Goswami.
Abdullah, “…People do these things when they are in love, even if there is no obligation…”
Though, marriage is not all about love. Marriage does come with responsibilities (read obligations) in any society, not just Indian. Confusing marriage with love and love only in the modern societies will only result in the ‘waste of resources’ in all possible ways (divorce – emotional breakdown-social breakdown – more cost for the society – unnecessary use of government resources when such resources could be put to a useful purpose).
There is a better way, especially for a person like Claire (and me). Go out, fall in love, sleep around, and have fun. This way you save all the trouble I mentioned above.
Marriage without love is like a business contract. Two people come to an agreement to live together, share resources and procreate. Mechanical and boring.
What Sharell did here was out of love. If she did it out of an obligation, she’d have started to feel constrained and hated it. A lot of Indian women, especially in arranged marriages hate the position which Sharell is in (having to adjust and accomodate to their husband’s way of life). They do it only out of a sense of duty.
IA, “…there was a time when I thought I was turning into Shaunak Goswami…”
Then, do you also have obsession with any particular group of women (or men)?
Abdullah, “…Marriage without love is like a business contract…Mechanical and boring…”
Of course, it will be boring. This is why two need a nice combination of love, understanding (of each other and each others responsibilities-obligations), and other resources.
Abdullah, “…What Sharell did here was out of love…”
…and understanding…
‘Love with out understanding’ is like ‘sex with out condom’ – UNSAFE!
“Then, do you also have obsession with any particular group of women (or men)? ”
I used to have a small obsession with Russian women but that changed as time passed by. Maybe its due to the fact that some of them were attracted to me. I’ve seen enough of them trying to hit on me. I cant fall for any other female other than my own girlfriend who is Indian by blood herself. I do appreciate the beauty of other females. Other than that, no other kind of attraction. When it comes to men, I dont swing that way. How about you Amit Desai? Are you obsessed with any women from any particular group?
Love without understanding is like sex without condoms. Save that quote Amit Desai. You said it first
Here’s another line.
Never have harsh sex with condoms cause it can break anytime and then love would turn into a misunderstanding.
Here’s another one. Never try to force your woman to have sex with you. If she doesnt care, forget about it and start reading a newspaper instead.
IA, “…I used to have a small obsession with Russian women but that changed as time passed by…”
Obsession with Russian women while living in U.S? How is that possible?
IA, “…I’ve seen enough of them trying to hit on me…”
Are there lots of Russian women in U.S?
IA, “…Are you obsessed with any women from any particular group?…”
Not really, I may like any attractive woman, as long as she is more perceptive than I am, and of course, laughs at my jokes.
“Obsession with Russian women while living in U.S? How is that possible? ”
Ofcourse, there are Russians here both born here, and from Russia.
“Not really, I may like any attractive woman, as long as she is more perceptive than I am, and of course, laughs at my jokes.”
Women who laughs at our jokes are fun to be with. Thats what I love about my woman. She laughs at me, and my jokes. I dont say a joke on purpose. It just happens to be random.
IA, “…Women who laughs at our jokes are fun to be with…”
There is another side to it. As the English saying goes, “If your wife laughs at your joke, it means you either have a good joke or a good wife”.
“There is another side to it. As the English saying goes, “If your wife laughs at your joke, it means you either have a good joke or a good wife”.”
Lucky is the man who has a woman who is open minded and transparent.
Unlucky is the man who has a woman who has a short attention span, a woman who is bossy, a woman who has a bad temper, and a woman who has a short fuse.
That depends on how smart you are. You can have a lot of sex without condoms and still be as safe.
It’d probably be Russian women who migrated to the United States.
@ Abdullah, “…That depends on how smart you are…”
Safe sex depends on smartness? Absolutely! This is the reason why the morons are always virgins!
@ Abdullah, “…You can have a lot of sex without condoms and still be as safe…”
Using the same analogy, you can have lots of love (with out understanding) and have a safe marriage full of love. Absolutely! This is the reason why lovemaking always requires a lot of love!
Morons get laid, at some point or the other. It is the very smartest intellectuals who have problems in this department.
@ Abdullah, “…It is the very smartest intellectuals who have problems in this department…”
That was what I was alluding at (a bit sarcastically)!
I figured that out, hence my reply. In any case, I was alluding to street smartness, not intellectualism.
I love your blog and your openness and honesty. It has broadened my own perspective about interracial stuff. Like, u nag him and still both of u are together whereas in my case i cannot take any nagging. i asked her not to unnecessary nag me at all and she said she will so that was the end of it. Its good to see how both of you are flexible enough and accomodating to make it work.
Lol, you know a female’s perspective on nagging. If a guy just did what he was asked, there would be no need for nagging at all!
A guy doesn’t have to do whatever he is asked to do. In any case, if nagging bothers you, use earplugs.
Earplugs are for white men who are polite and well mannered. ‘Jungli’ Indian men can go for something opposite, for example, stuff a piece of cloth in her mouth!
“Morons get laid, at some point or the other. It is the very smartest intellectuals who have problems in this department.”
The demographic with the lowest median IQ in the US is the one with the most STDs and welfare babies. Yep, they are gettin’ laid fo’ sure!
Do they do that, really?
thanks for gifting all readers with such passionate, well-written
articles on life and times in India. It is indeed the best, most exiting
country to live in & her heart still within the vast countryside. Overcrowded and teeming in life, quite the converse
of the apparently bare and scarcely populated Aussie cityscape. I am not a big fan of inter-racial nuptials; mine went all wrong. These
blogs hold testimony that no matter how stressful, determination always wins. Hope the cultural assimilation happens quickly and evenly for you both. And keep writing ….
We heard one side of the story – so what is that YOU don’t like on your husband’s behavior?
It’s “NOT” easy for a non Indian to accept Indian culture , religion and way of living. This I can say from my experience. My husband drives me crazy with his “daily” questions of “why” that fellow is late? Why is he laughing? There are sometimes so many “whys” that it drives me mad. Sharell’s situation is “not” something to worry about because neither of them are too much tied up to their own religion, nor parents. So it is something which she will learn to accept with time. Europeans generally are more tied up to their own “traditions” and lifestyle and this on the long run will create problems in any marriage. People who are going in for marriage with foreigners should be ready to face lots more challenge and problems in future ( starting from childs name and religion). If one side is less religious and committed to his/her own culture then the marriage will last. But I sometimes see many Indians changing their ways of life and respect for parents just to keep their non indian wife/husband happy. This is sad because many Indians do not pride their own culture and religion.
Hmmmmmm…..
Hey, Sharell, have you heard of the Marathi movie “FOREIGN CHI PATLIN’?
Google search it.
Try going to this link (or search on YouTube) and watch the trailer….
http://wn.com/Where_is_the_lead_actress,_you_3_Idiots
Then click on ‘FOREIGN CHI PATLIN TRAILER’ on the right.
You might find this movie VERY INTERESTING….
I forgot to tell you what it means….
Before our Independance, and the post of Sarpanch (the Village Mayor or Chief, elected around every 5 years), the Head of the Village was usually, the prominent Kshatriya family.
Called variously as ‘Thakurs’ in North India, the famous ‘Patels’ of Gujrat and ‘Patils’ in Maharashtra (so many Patils in Maharashtra politics!)
They might not always head the village now (since every few times the post is reserved for a Woman, a person from SC/ST), they still are the prominent and influential family in the village.
Patlin is a, well, a female Patil or the wife of the Patil.
That suffix “-lin” is added to a noun to make it a female gender, usually in Marathi….
Hi Jayesh, wow, it looks REALLY interesting.
Although, I did get distracted a bit from the trailer by that Uncle’s very impressive moustache! I’d really like to watch the movie but am sad I won’t be able to understand any of it. I only know a couple of words of Marathi. I’ll have to get my husband to explain I guess….
HA! HA!
I have read about your facination for the handlebar and walrus moustaches of Indian men.
I don’t shave during Shraavan month myself and for the past three weeks and boy, has it been itchy!
Not to mention the fast on every Monday for a foodie like me!
Try to download it from (by RealPlayer):-
http://yogavideo247.com/viewyvideo.php?num=1&id=3365
Its in 8 parts.
Or you may try for a DVD. It might have sub-titles….
Your Sis-IL might be able to help, too.
If I am not mistaken, she comes from a Maharashtrian family, right?
The movie’s quite fun to simply watch it, too and its got a Happy Ending!
Now, waiting for Dahi Handi on Thursday and The Presiding Diety of Mumbai, Ganpati Bappa!
Yummy Yummy Modaks!
Haha Jayesh… yes, they’re the only type of moustaches that do it for me! My sister in law is Maharastran, but unfortunately she’s in New York indefinitely working at the moment, so I can’t rely on her. I can’t wait to see all the Ganpatis…. it’s so mesmerising walking into the pandals and seeing them. My favourite festival.
Oh No!
Well try for a DVD, then as nowadays, most come with English sub-titles.
Or can just watch it. Its enjoyable that way, too.
I have a habit of watching Bollywood movies, especially the dance sequences, on mute.
That cracks me up bigtime!
Two recent Marathi movies, widely available with English sub-titles, that you might find enjoy are ‘NATARANG’ and ‘HARISHCHANDRACHI FACTORY’ (this one was India’s entry to the Oscar’s last year – a nice relaxing comedy).
Before entering Medicine, for three years, my friends and I used to drive from Borivali to Churchegate and try to visit almost all the beautiful Sarvajanik Mandals!
Used to take nearly a week!
Will try again in 2013, after my Internship!
For now, only Gharguti Ganpatis!
Its the best time in India, months between August and January with Dahi Handi, Ganesh Chaturthi, Ramazan, Dasra, Diwali, Christmas and Holi, all lined up, that too in the most pleasant weather in Mumbai!
Bandra looks so feative at this time of the year!
Pity, my University Finals start from November last week and my Prelimanary Exams from Sept. 20!
Still, instead of study I feel like a cup of hot tea and pakodas and sleeping tight in a chaddar, in this weather:- Wet! Wet! Wet! and Cold! for the past 3 days!
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