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There’s an interesting article in a special promotional section of the Hindustan Times today. It takes a look back over 85 years of matrimonial ads in India. As can be expected, quite a bit has changed over time. It’s fascinating to see how India has evolved.
From fixations about caste and virginity in the 1930s, the focus shifted to education, then to world travel and exploration, then to parity between partners.
In the 1930s and 1940s, a typical matrimonial ad consisted of a desire to find a “handsome, healthy, virgin” girl. “Western fashioned, highly educated need not approach”.
In the 1960s a “family with connections” was a popular request, along with grooms in government service. The 1970s and 1980s saw many ads for “fair, tall, homely, and convent educated” girls (ie. ones that could speak English). Many females started becoming well educated, and these girls were in high demand from educated men, such as engineers and doctors.
By 1990, social status became determined not by caste but by education, and where the family owned a house. Well-to-do families started becoming very fussy about prospective grooms, and started making demands of their own! Non Resident Indian grooms were highly sought after. Ads such as the following were very common: “Delhi based reputed Gupta Medico family seeks alliance for their beautiful, fair, smart, slim daughter 23/5′5 MBA (U.S.), pursuing CPA from US, and working in respected bank in US. Looking for tall, handsome, below 28, well placed professional. Preferably qualified Medico. Match from Status family only“.
Interestingly, nowadays, the attraction of NRI grooms has waned. Many families want to keep their daughters closer to home, and with India’s booming economy, it’s possible for them to find affluent matches right here in India.
One of the most remarkable changes from 85 years ago, is the age at which women are married. In the 1920s, matches were often sought for girls who had just entered their teenage years. “Wanted matches for two Agarwal Vaish girls, one aged 13 Hindi knowing and the other aged 14″ says one add from 1929.
Indeed, my husband’s parents had a child marriage. They’re approaching sixty years old and have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary! Coming from two villages in Orissa, it was quite a common thing to do. Of course, they didn’t live together as husband and wife until they were mature enough. But they were married, nevertheless. My husband tells me stories about how the other village children used to giggle with his mother, “Oooh, your husband is coming to visit”.
My husband’s eldest sister got married when she was 16, to a man five years older than her from Orissa but living in Mumbai. She told me she spent the first year crying. But now, she’s so happy. It’s obvious that her and her husband have a very affectionate relationship. They run a successful business together too.
Even the way families go about arranged marriages is changing. My husband’s youngest brother had an arranged marriage over a year ago. It came as quite a relief for my husband’s parents (whose other two sons had love marriages, one inter-caste and one intercultural — me!) and the bride’s parents (whose other children all had inter-caste love marriages).
In contrast to the days of old, the couple had plenty of opportunity to get to know each other before the wedding. They went on a holiday together, and she stayed with my husband’s family so as to become comfortable living in their home. She’s a modern girl and was surprised to learn that she’d still be allowed to wear jeans after marriage, and keep working as a fashion designer. A baby came along and put a stop to that though! However, she’s adjusted to it all really well. And, she’s slowly educating my husband’s brother about fashion. My husband’s brother is an interior designer, and maybe they’ll open a boutique one day. It’s been a successful match.
My husband is completely shocked about how much his parents have progressed in their views, from village to city, and what they’ve been prepared to accept. It is difficult for my mother-in-law though, who still has the burden of looking after the house and feeding the sizable number of family members who are always there (and love her food). No doubt, having traditional bahus would’ve eased this burden somewhat.
I’m really looking forward to seeing how arranged marriages evolve in the next few decades. I feel that when arranged marriages are carried out well, they do provide a stable base for married life. It would be a shame for them to disappear, or to become the exception instead of the norm. What’s the Indian perspective on this I wonder?
Related Posts:
- The Worst Kind of Arranged Marriage
- The Difficulty of Dating an Indian Part 2
- How to Legally Marry an Indian in India
- The Difficulty of Dating an Indian Part 3
- Indian Boys Dressed Up As Girls
- Challenges With Indian-Foreigner Marriages
- Attending My First Indian Wedding
- Answers to Questions About My Life in India #2
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Interesting topic….
) and has what I want. If I work at it the marriage MIGHT succeed.”
Western approach: “I will search for a person who likes me (or puts up with me
Indian approach: “Chalo beta/beti, let us find you a boy/girl of appropriate age, education, economic background … the marriage has to succeed anyways, so lets maximize the happiness by choosing the girl from good family with matching kundali of course”
Which one of them truly succeeds …. neither IMHO …
Western approach fails to take into account that desires, aspirations and character (a little may be), economic situation changes over time, kids get born etc etc … so all that time during “dating” phase when people are in their best behaviour amounts to nothing
Indian approach fails to take into account “resume reading” gives little insight into character and temperament.
Both have their share of uncertainty.
…. of course I have highlighted only the negative aspects of both 
.
And what will happen to you when the time comes PGB?
Ah … I am truly blessed with “flexible” parents.
My husband started telling his parents when he was still a kid that he didn’t want an arranged marriage. He’s very much the kind of person who forges his own path.
My in-laws looked for grooms for my didis who were in good jobs, but not business owners, because they were worried it was not stable enough and that they wouldn’t have time for family. But now the one jijaji who has become a business owner (he owns a printing company) is the most prosperous of the three, and that marriage seems the happiest and most stable. It really seems like a crapshoot.
These days , “dating” has become a part and parcel of arranged marriage preparations.”Date” fixed by parents. Its like parents saying:
“”this is the guy/girl we have chosen for you, date him or her and marry ONLY if you guys like each other”"
Nowadays also a FAR GREATER acceptance of boyfriends/girlfriends can be seen among Indian parents and families.
My cousin sister, a doctor, had a boy friend for about 3 years before marriage. She introduced him to our family and we were cool about it. Her boyfriend gradually became almost a family member. Two sets of Parents gradually met and decided everything and they finally got married about a year ago. My brother-in-law was a regular at our family gatherings for about 2 years before marriage. He even stayed with us before marriage(separate beds, of course) to my sister.
Even i plan to bring my girlfriend( if i ever have one ) to my home and meet my mother in the very first year.
Too bad Western culture does not support arranged marriage. Maybe that would lower the divorce rate.
What do you think http://www.match.com and http://www.eharmony.com do??
My impression of arranged marriage is that it assumes the individuals to be married don’t have a personality or character of their own, but rather, are part of a greater whole (ie the family) and are virtually extensions of their parents.
I’ve seen it work very well for some, and less successfully for others.
PGB – don’t forget about OkCupid!
I find this topic very interesting. Before I met my husband I was agnostic on the whole arranged marriage thing – didn’t know much about it or anyone who had one. Since talking about it with him, I’ve moved to a generally positive view of them, as long as both individuals have veto rights. Like PGB points out, it’s not that much different from internet relationship matching sites.
In Aditya’s family, his siblings and him (obviously) don’t have arranged marriages, altho a fair number of cousins do. Aditya has told me that if he hadn’t met me or anyone else by his late twenties, he would have likely asked his parents to set him up an arranged marriage – which seems like a comfortable fall-back option to have! With his siblings, his older brother had an inter-ethnicity marriage to a Punjabi girl, while his sister married a fellow Bengali, altho both were love matches.
Aditya’s parents, of course, have an arranged marriage. I recently had a chance to sit down & talk with them about relationships and marriage – part of the interview is up at my blog, but the part where they talk about their “semi-arranged” (Baba’s words, not Maa’s
) marriage is due to run on Tuesday (US time), I think. It was very enlightening.
PGB, eharmony and match.coms are more like dating sites. The people meet, date, enter into “relationships” and then decide if they want to live together (shack up) or get married.
I’m talking about arranged marriages where the families are involved. Since in the West (completely) in-tact families seem to be a relic of the past, there cannot be anything such as a real arranged marriage, not even close. For the arranged marriage system to work, the culture would have to support it.
I know several people on match.com and marriage is not neccessarily what they are looking for. They are looking for LTRs (long term relationships) with an option for living together. Many of the people I know on match.com have already been married and divorced, some twice or thrice, and are not looking to marry again. But they are open for LTRs.
I’m not knocking it. Just pointing out the big differences.
Interesting post. I always read the matrimonials when I’m in India–just for fun. My husband’s parents had a love marriage, however they wanted their sons to have arranged marriages. Unfortunatly the two that have happened I cannot say have had positive results. The one is in a loveless marriage and the other is in a marriage to a girl who is questionable (at best). My husband chose not to have an arranged marriage and had to fight for that right. Our marriage is inter-cultural but we share the same religion, which is often one of many reasons family are against it. I’ve been disappointed that my brother-in-laws have chosen to go this route, they are educated (one a doctor who did his schooling in Europe), come from a good family and social yet when it came to marriage they fell on their parents expetations. They did have the “right” to deny the girl, but I think it was easier to go with the one their dad thought we be a good alliance. It’s too bad my view isn’t that positive on the whole arranged marriage route…but my husband supports me in my thoughts and also has been trying to let his dad be more open to the younger brothers having more choice.
The two sides of arranged marriage are very interesting. It’s quite surprising that your husband’s parents were forceful about arranged marriage, especially when they were liberated enough to have a love marriage themselves. They must regard it as having made a mistake?
It is really sad when love doesn’t grow in an arranged marriage.
My husbands other sister (he has two sisters and two brothers) who had an arranged marriage hasn’t been as fortunate. She had to leave Mumbai to go and live with her husband and his parents in Orissa. It was very tough on her, especially as she was well educated and taught in a school in Mumbai. Her inlaws were extremely demanding and made her work very hard in the home. She got sick on a number of occasions (disturbed and exhausted during pregnancy) and had to come back to Mumbai. Things aren’t too good at the moment either.
This chronicle of history through ad placements is interesting. My husband and I have a gori-desi love marriage, and although we come from different countries and cultures, the similarity in our family history is striking. My MIL’s mother wanted her daughters to be married to doctors or lawyers. My FIL is a doctor, but from a more orthodox family than my MIL and although they were from the same caste they were from different cities and had very different upbringings. My MIL had been raise very privileged in a relatively small family and my FIL came from a huge family and had to work very hard to pay for his schooling to become a doctor. These differences showed their way into their lives at various junctures, dividing them on issues such as parenting, finances, and how they interact within their community. They have been torn apart at times, and if it weren’t for unfavorable divorce laws and societal stigma, they’d probably be divorced. My parents, a modern western love-match, also came from different social-economic backgrounds. They divorced after 20+ years together. My inlaws have had to work through their problems because divorce is not an option in their mind, and they will probably always have a love-hate relationship. My parents may have come to that conclusion as well, but because of divorce and all the legal battle that ensues, their love-hate relationship has turned into a bitter hate relationship and no one wins. So, I guess in my experience, the love-match and the arranged marriage, both have their many flaws, but upbringing and values play a vital role in the success of a marriage.
Hmmm, my parents had a love marriage too of course, but they came from similar social-economic backgrounds (country, working/middle class Australia). They’re still together but haven’t had such a happy marriage. They didn’t get to know each other well enough before getting married, and it turns out their personality types aren’t suited at all. They don’t want to go through the hell of a divorce though. I’m not sure what will happen to them.
My husband’s parents seem to be more friends with each other than anything. They don’t sleep in the same room, and haven’t done so for a long time apparently. They don’t fight or anything like that. I just think there seems to be less expectation of romance/love in some longstanding Indian arranged marriages.
“I just think there seems to be less expectation of romance/love in some longstanding Indian arranged marriages.”
It used to be that way in the West too. This idea of a marriage requiring constant romance/love is a relatively new cultural phenomenon. C. S. Lewis wrote an interesting book (if you’re an English lit nerd like me, anyway) called “The Allegory of Love” in which he traced the beginnings of romantic love as an ideal in Western culture.
I do think that the fantasy of a constant “in love” feeling does a disservice to married couples today. Yes, you should feel love for your spouse, but sometimes that love is WORK, and a conscious choice you have to make. It’s not always easy, but because of the fantasy that we’re fed in our culture, some people think that the moment they don’t feel it any more, it means the marriage is ending.
Sharell, Good point. Getting to know each other before marriage is another important piece of it. My parents rushed their marriage, and of course being from different cities and having an arranged marriage my inlaws didn’t have much a courtship either. My husbands brother had an arranged marriage, and I have more hope for him because they “dated” for a year after the engagement and both had a sense of veto rights up until the last day. My BIL pushed for this long engagement at the protest of his parents. I think it worked for them because they tested each other and their family. They set boundaries and forged agreements that can only be done when you know that you intend to be married, but that it is not a foregone conclusion.
I however cannot say the same for my husband and I. We rushed into marriage. We eloped straight out of college (‘02) because we were in love and his visa was expiring. The thought of him returning to India with no hope of return was too much to bear. We both have mixed feelings about that decision because there was a lot we didn’t know about each other. Just like an arranged marriage though we’ve learned to love each other and that love has grown over time. I think we still wish that we would have known more about each other – not because we wouldn’t have married but we would have made fewer mistakes in the beginning of the marriage.
D – I really agree with you. It’s awful how in the western culture, people so readily get divorced when the “gleam” has worn off their relationship. They think there’s something wrong and that they can’t be in love any more. Then they go looking for that high elsewhere. So much for companionship, it doesn’t seem important to a lot of people. One thing that I’m really thankful for, being married to an Indian guy, is that I think he recognises the importance of companionship. We already acknowledge that we feel love for each other more on some days and much less on others. That’s the way it is though, marriage definitely ebbs and flows.
Amy — it seems like an arranged marriage with a substantial “getting to know you” period/ long engagement has the most chance of being happy and successful. That way, it kind of enables the best of both worlds ie. the compatibility of backgrounds/social position facilitated by arranged marriage, and time to find out if you can actually get along well with the person and enjoy their company, as in dating/a love marriage.
“We already acknowledge that we feel love for each other more on some days and much less on others. That’s the way it is though, marriage definitely ebbs and flows.”
That is so true, and so important to remember. We’re going through a really stressful time right now with my husband finishing his PhD and me unsuccessfully job hunting in the new city we’re moving to. It’s really hard, but the thing that will get us through is remembering that sometimes things are just hard and you push on through.
D.Jain is right that modern and post-modern West puts too much emphasis on love and romance feelings. And might I add, sex. I don’t think many westerners could relate to a relatively young married couple (like Sharrell’s in-laws, whom I assume to be in their 50s or maybe at most 60s) sleeping in separate rooms or beds. In the West people are buying up viagra like its going out of style just so they can have an active sex life well into their old age and beyond.
In fact, if you read some blogs by men bloggin about relationships or marriage, most of them put sex at a premium, no matter the age. I think in Western relationships there is a lot of pressure on women (and men too, to be fair) to keep the “spice” going and the hotness sizzling for years, for fear of losing their partner to someone else.
On the otherhand, I would imagine that the arranged marriage scenario, in cases where love does not develop over time, would be extremely dysfunctional and stressful as well.
I guess the only solution is not to get married and remain stress-free!
CBEJE – Stress-free until you need someone to look after you in old age
IMHO, I’ve seen too many men and women in the US go through a midlife crisis and start thinking the grass is greener. Its not just sex. There is a growing lack commitment to taking care of the other in their old age. Women try to be younger, more “fun”, and hotter. Men want to be more fun and date younger, and hotter. If you live in the states, just watch an episode of Bravo’s Housewives realty series to know what I mean.
The family structures in India are such that its expected that you and your spouse will look after each other until one dies and/or one of you gets to old/infirm to, and then your kids take over. This sense of duty the bedrock of what a family is. (BTW Family Matters is a good book for this subject)
Here’s a (interesting)theory I heard recently: Human life spans have expanded a lot in the last 50 to 100 years. Back when men and women lived to say 45 to 50 years, a 25 to 30 year marriage was very practical.. by the time you got done with child rearing, you were in the sunset of your life.Perhaps this is what humans were hardwired for, hence the human tendency to ‘look around’ , as we live longer and longer!
Now we expect people to live into their ’70’s and ’80’s.. and expect people to keep the spice going, even at their 40th, 50th wedding anniversary! Just imagine, by the time you are 60, you have probably seen your spouse through multiple illnesses, know their shortcomings,cleaned them up, been disappointed by them umpteen times,etc. etc..Sure, the good times balance these out, but to expect the same level of ’spice, or fireworks’ in a relationship, may be asking for too much.
Just a theory !!
Amy, forget having a spouse “take care of you” in old age. Marriages here do not last that long anymore. Stay single and retire to an ashram in India when you hit 65 or 70. Stress free!
We have seriously talked about retiring to an ashram when we’re in our 60s!
Sharrell, I don’t think it is so much that my inlaws think their marriage was unsuccessful but I think its more that they want to ensure that it is a good match and the couples will have few problems. My inlaws were from different backgrounds…FIL came from a doctor family and his mom passed away and was raised by an evil step mother. My FIL worked hard and put himself through school to become a doctor. My MIL came from a HUGE family and was taken care of since her parents had money. Although they are Christian they came from different backgrounds FIL Protestant, MIL Catholic and that caused a huge uproar in her family (they disowned her). They also historically came from different castes…FIL high caste, MIL low caste. My husband was born in his father’s village, (not normal) since women would normally go back to their family home. To me it means things were not good yet with her family and to be honest my husband has only met a handful of his mothers siblings (she was 1 of 14) so although they eventually accepted my FIL it was hard going. I think my inlaws wanted to make it as smooth as possible in marrying girls from their community (although they come from different areas in the state), same soco-economic background, eduction, religion, etc. But it has been a huge faliure as far as my husband and I are concerned.
As for us we got married very quickly….less then 4 months but have been happily married for several years. We however have an “Indian” outlook in the fact we do not see divorce as an option (ever). This is due to our religious beliefs but also personal ones. So we tease our marriage was “arranged” but by ourselves, and we had to get to know each other a lot after we got married but it has turned out well.
There are more varied approaches to marriage in the West than I think people realize.
As a Mormon in the US, there is a tremendous amount of expectation to get married young– maybe around 18 to 23. Between those ages you are encouraged to look for yourself and find a love match, but once you get “too old” your family and congregation members start fixing you up, especially if you live in Utah. Singles are advised to seek other Mormons of a similar culture, upbringing, education, and values. There are special “Singles Wards” (ward = congregation) where the single adults in the area, ages 18 thru 29 and separately 30+ are expected to go to church and attend activities with the hope of finding a mate. Casually dating different people is encouraged to increase the chances that you’ll find a love match. It’s really past the age of 25 that people start worrying about you, though. In a few cases I’ve heard of, for those who reach their mid-30s or even their 40s w/o being married, a bishop (pastor) will pair two singles (assuming similarity in age and a desire to be married) and tell them that they should date a bit and, if they get along alright, make preparations for marriage. I guess that’s our version of “arranged.”
I’m a newlywed at age 21 and my husband is nearly 29. Before meeting me, he attended 2 different LDS (Latter-Day Saint) universities looking for a wife. After he completed a Masters degree at BYU his mother fasted monthly in hopes that he would somehow get married soon (she was seriously worried about his “old age”). He was counseled to move to an area with a higher concentration of single Mormons, so he did and met me three days later. He was always forward about his intentions, I liked him, and a year later we’re happily married.
Good article.I think it would be great if U spoke against the dowry deaths that kill about 9000 Indian brides every year.The posts would serve as defence fodder against the vast majority of Indian men who are greedy for instant wealth.By warning would-be brides in advance,we may save many of them from being burnt in kitchens by their greedy husbands and in-laws.Perhaps a good question to ask most Indian men is:
What would you do if anyone burnt your sister alive? Given that India is 85% Hindu,the custom and festival of Raksha Bandhan comes to mind.This brings another question:Why is it that so many brothers tie “raakhis” on their sisters’ wrists every year,yet when they are burned,they do nothing?” My aim is NOT to incite violence,but to educate Indian men and women,thus trying to prevent the terrible loss of so many Indian women to these barbaric and evil customs.
Yashin wrote:
“”This brings another question:Why is it that so many brothers tie “raakhis” on their sisters’ wrists every year,yet when they are burned,they do nothing?””"
“”many brothers tie “raakhis” on their sisters’ wrists every year,”"
Thats news to me.
Brothers tying raakhis in their sisters wrists…..lol
r u an Indian?????? i dont think so.
You are VERY RIGHT about this dowry deaths……we need to fight this social evil.
Hi, nice blog,how do you find oriya culture. Well, I am oriya. May be i should call you bhauja
. About this post on arranged marriage, i think nowadays arranged marriage is more of a back up for girls and guys belonging to upper middle class families. They are having the best of both world. Those who are unable to get someone on their own(find love? maybe) the can always bank on their parents and matrimonial sites to line up a bunch of grooms/brides. Most decent looking, well educated, working upper middles class girls are opting for love marriage , while others are settling for arranged marriage . Quality of boys/girls available on matrimonial sites (arranged marriage market to put it in a crude and real way) is abysmal . Summarizing , you can say , at present,Arranged marriage is a market full of loosers.
Incredible to see people staying together 50 years these day at all, let alone people who were married at such a young age. It goes to show the different attitudes in Eastern v. Western cultural when it comes to values in certain areas of life. Loving your blog and all the comments that expand on your entries!
I know, sometimes I think the comments are the best thing about this blog (when they’re constructive!). People have such interesting things to say and stories to share. And if I ever need advice or an opinion, there are so many people to offer one.
changes huh!!! it takes still another decade not all parents are so flexi
