Last night, my husband and I accompanied my sister-in-law and her husband to dinner at a friend’s place. It was the same friends whose 25th wedding anniversary celebration I attended earlier this year.
The friends always invite me to functions, and I’m always usually honoured to go along. However, last night was a bit of an ordeal for me. I wanted to go to the dinner, but I didn’t want to leave our apartment. I haven’t been feeling so good since the shock explosion (that is, cracker) right near my ear during Diwali, which made me half deaf for a day. I feel anxious and unsettled, and don’t want to be around any loud street noise. (Which means that I don’t want to go outside).
I made the effort to attend the dinner because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. However, to be honest, half way through the night I wanted to run away, and jump on the first plane home to familiarity. I felt so lonely and out of place.
My experience with India is very changeable. When I’m in good health and spirits, I feel capable of dealing with whatever situation I’m in. When my health isn’t that good, I feel tense, overwhelmed and claustrophobic. It’s made worse during the times that I can’t relax and be myself, such as last night.
Socialising in India is quite the opposite of socialising at home. At home, we would go to a friends house, and everyone would sit down together for a chat over a glass of wine or beer. Soon after, we’d move to the dining table where dinner would be served. Everyone would sit down there together and start eating, including the women. In India, it’s traditionally quite different. (Although socialising with my husband and his friends is quite like in the west).
As soon as we arrived last night, I was called into the kitchen with the other women, while the men remained in the living room. Dinner was yet to be cooked, so the women set about preparing it. I chatted briefly to the auntie in Hindi (because neither her nor the uncle speak English), and tried to learn as much as possible from the cooking.
Soon the kitchen was so hot and smokey, I couldn’t bare to be in it any more. My face was covered in a blanket of sweat. Uncle started serving beer and asked me if I wanted any. Of course I felt compelled to say no, although I was thinking the very opposite.
Soon, I had to leave the kitchen because it was too uncomfortable for me in there. It would’ve been inappropriate for me to go and join the men, so I was shown into another living room. There, I spent half an hour entertaining myself alone while the women tended to dinner and the men. Most of the time, I spent gazing out the window and into other people’s apartments. I appreciated that it was a rare opportunity for me to observe people and not be observed in return.
After a while though, I began to feel quite sorry for myself. I’m usually content in my own company, but I longed to be able to relax and join in the socialising. I missed the freedom and ease of my social life at home. I missed free flowing conversation, where I wasn’t limited to understanding only 25% of what was being said and giving one sentence responses, due to my lack of Hindi. Uncle kept offering me beer. Even my sister-in-law gave in and told me I could have some (she obviously started feeling sorry for me too). But I declined. Where’s the fun in sitting alone and drinking?
I didn’t have a bad night last night. Some parts of it were fun. I even laughed from time to time. For most of it though, I just felt very very lost. This caused me to confront my husband when we got home. I wanted to know why he hadn’t been of more help and support to me. Why couldn’t he have come to check on me and be with me?
His response was that he thought I was fine in the kitchen with the women. He also said it would’ve been rude for him to get up and leave the room once the serving of food had started (and food, starting with snacks, had been served very early on).
But I wasn’t feeling well! And I can’t hold a conversation in Hindi (let alone Marathi, which they were also speaking)! How could I be okay. Sometimes I just want to throw aside good Indian manners! And, sometimes I don’t think my husband realises all the sacrifices I make here for the sake of trying to display good manners (or even just for daily life in India).
I’m going back to Australia for a holiday next month, and I think it’s going to be very timely. I obviously really need to recharge myself and get my groove back!
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Thats interesting. I didn’t know a mind like yours could get any narrower or more judgemental.
“Thats interesting. I didn’t know a mind like yours could get any narrower or more judgemental.”
You should’ve met me before India. I was a free-spirited, new age, woo woo, politically correct hippie type who thought “everybody is the same and we should all just live in peace and love and hold hands while singing ‘Kumbaya’”.
India matured me, to say the least.
I think you’ve married a person from North India like UP or Bihar because in Maharashtra or in S. India the situation is different. May be not in villages …women are liberated and do join the company of their friends….You should talk with Marathi people or south Indians ….India changes on every few miles….customs changes…N. India is backward and still sticks to the very old fashion customs and beliefs …
Hi Shilpa, actually my husband’s family is from Orissa. But the family friends are true Maharastran. Both still follow the tradition of serving the men etc. Women cook while men socialise, that’s just how it is. Neither are backwards. They’re just traditional.
Thats naivette, not open-mindedness. And really, hippies are not some kind of open-minded, new age spiritualists. Rather they are societial parasites and a good example of why parentage should be licensed.
I have just discovered this web and I can soo relate to this piece because I too am a white Australian from Melbourne who is dating a N.Indian NRI (Punjabi) boy and was trying to learn more about the culture and beliefs etc. (actually truth be told I was trying to find pictures of Caucasian women wearing a traditional N.Indian dress to see what colour would suit me as later in the year I have to go to Indian with him to attend a wedding and meet the family which I am extremely nervous, scared, worried and excited over. I’m guessing it will be a big deal considering they’re from an area that is like a small town, not rural but not exactly a major city (or so I’m guessing.) Ha!!
My boyfriend lives with other NRI Punjabs and I too know a small amount of the language, and it’s so true. You really feel as though you are only getting about 25% of the conversation. In my case I would be lucky if I got 10% haha. Sometimes when I have spent a whole day with him and his friends I too feel so isolated and alone and I haven’t even left Australia!!!
I am also taller the my boyfriend and older so this is going to be very interesting when I go over there esp if his family are traditional, but I have to admit that I would never have it any other way. It is so hard in when you are from two VERY different cultures and there has to be some give and take. But I enjoy the ride and the fact that through him I have found myself. The fact that Indian regardless of whether they are Northern or Southern have such strong family values and that everything revolves around the family unit is both frustrating but refreshing. It is so true what you said earlier about how on general note western society is losing that respect for our elders, are starting not to have family values and is losing that commitment to the family unit.
I just really wanted to say thank you for this web page. I have many Indian female friends who are either wives FOB or NRI here for study purposes and although I pick their brains constantly for cultural insight (the do’s and the don’ts and the UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES EVER DO’s) it so refreshing to have someone like yourself who is a NRA (Hehe) explain through your eyes what’s it’s like to be a Caucasian woman married to an Indian man. The amount that I have learnt in just a small time is priceless. Thank you and good luck with it!!
Lo
Kkvic, what do you mean by this:
“But I enjoy the ride and the fact that through him I have found myself.”
How did you find *yourself* through *another* person?
Firstly let me apologise, when I write sometime what I am trying to portray and what I have actually written are way of the mark!!! Haha
What I mean by I have found myself with him is that by being with him is that he has made me a better person. Or what I really meant to say was that I am a better person by being with him. He and I were good friends before we starting dating. His generosity, openness, integrity, family values and the fact that he was just a happy little camper (nothing upset him too much. He never held a grudge or never lost face towards situations or people) were some of the many qualities that he has that attracted me to him. Myself, I am the complete opposite. I get angry to quickly, and extremely impatient and if someone has done wrong I hold onto that for a long time.
He has the strongest work ethic I know our circle of friends and his willingness to help others are just some of the traits that made me fall in love with him, apart from being quite handsome of cause!!!
He inspired me to change my ways, to take a deep breath, to relax, to value what’s truly important.
He is also the one person who I can truly be myself with (and I get to eat with my hands yay!!!) He is my best friend and each day I continually find something new about him, fall in love that little bit more or learn something new that helps me in my life. Even if that is learning how to roll a paranta properly!!! Haha
With him he accepted me straight away for who I was. There was no mask or wall that had to be broken through. I didn’t have to change myself to fit in or be accepted. He just loved me for me. Oh and I didn’t have to marry him for him to get PR or a green card, hahahaha!!!
Yes I there are times where the cultural difference can be a bit hard, sometimes when I am out with him and his friends and they all speak in their language. Sure they address me in English, but when they are all laughing or having a serious conversation I get curious and wish I knew what it was about. I’m female after all. I can’t help myself I love gossip and scandal!!!
I do worry that when we marry how will it all work, how will I learn how to cook beautifully like his mother and what do I cook? How much of each cultures food do I cook on a daily basis or I’m a cooking with all that ghee and onions for the rest of my life and need to ensure I have a life time gym membership?
How many hours of my life will I lose watching all the family’s or friends of the family 4 day wedding dvds? Or will I ever get used to Indian standard time, how are you supposed to organise a dinner when it’s polite to be at least 15minutes late??? Haha!!!
But I have found that I enjoy learning these differences, I enjoy the fact that there are these differences and sometimes that these difference can be quite testing. But then I see the beauty in both and take the good parts and leave behind the not so good parts. I think that by being with him has made me be both more feministic but also stronger as a person and I think that if I was in a relationship that did not have these differences then I would most certainly not enjoy it half as much!!! Besides I would have never ever discovered some great bhangra music, or kaju burfi, nor would I have met and established such interesting and rewarding relationships with people
Kkvic, does he expect you to live with his parents after marriage?
No, his parents still are in Punjab, I don’t think that at their age they would want to relocate in general let alone to another country!!! But without a doubt they will visit for months at a time!!! I just want them to be at piece with their son’s choice in marriage. I know the taboo surrounding love marriages, let alone with a western girl!!!
The only thing that I would expect to happen is that when we do marry and live together that his father’s best friends son will continue living wiht him in our house and to be honest with you that is fine by me!! He to is a nice person who is very clean and is resp with paying bills etc. I would rather him live with us then in a two bedroom house with 8 other guys!!!
To be honest with you it would be my parents who would live with us in the end as I refuse to put them in a home for the old. Why should I toss them into one of those homes after they have done so much for me. It was them who put food on my plate, who paid for my education and who nursed me when I was sick. I would like them to enjoy their final days surrounded by happy times and family not in some home for the old and being sad and lonely. This is one thing that I made clear for word get go, and he has supported this which is great.
As I said earlier I have to meet his whole family towards the end of the year. So I am hoping that when I go over there they will be happy with his son’s choice and that it is all smooth sailing, and I hope that whilst I’m over there I can learn from his aunty and his mother how to cook properly and also improve my Punjabi.
Kkvic, you better make sure before you marry that he doesn’t expect you to move to Punjab at some point. And make sure that you let him know that you expect YOUR parents to live with you, in whatever country YOU are currently living (not India). These are the major issues with Desi guys as in Desi culture the son is expected to live with parents his whole life and bring his wife to live with and SERVE them. If it’s not happening now, he will expect it at some point, believe me.
Hello,
I’m so glad I found your blog. This is the first posting I am reading. I too am in a relationship with an Indian man. I am south american but grew up in the U.S., so I have both latin american and american traditions. It is very difficult to learn about indian culture especially because it’s so rich and vast. I am currently trying to impress my boyfriend’s parents enough that they will allow us to marry and I hope that reading your blog may help me.
wow you sound just like me..
i do love india and i wish i could always call it my home..but when i am sick i get also sick of india sometimes-exspecially if sickness involves seeing a doctor or even worse if my daughter gets sick ..
i have been to many indian functions..and thank god my husband usually stays with me -even in the kitchen cooking- since my telugu doesnt even help me to understand 25% of what is said..
eventhough my inlaws do understand that i like to drink sometimes…but others shouldnt know..
drinking beer of course would never be an option if we visited relatives..
i am sure u know this policy
this summer we will go to india for 14 months since i am joining Goethe Zentrum in Hyderabad for a project..and we will live with my inlaws for that time..me my hubby and our 2 year old little one ..
i am so excited and scarred at the same time.. the longest i have been in inida was 4 months at a time..
i believe i need recharde time as u call it inbetween..and privacy will be a unknown term for me during this period and i am quite unsure how it will work and what it will do to me..
i will post about it surely when it happens..
“My experience with India is very changeable. When I’m in good health and spirits, I feel capable of dealing with whatever situation I’m in. When my health isn’t that good, I feel tense, overwhelmed and claustrophobic. It’s made worse during the times that I can’t relax and be myself, such as last night. ”
ME TOO!!!!
Reminds me that how cosy and comfortable all of us are with our own folks around
So glad I found your site…its great I can relate to so much ..im irish living with my indian boyfriend in australia..it really annoys me when he has friends over for dinner and they dont speak english even though they are all fluent in it ..sometimes feel so lonely and frusturated and wonder is it all worth it
Ugh, yes, I can imagine just how left out your would be feeling over that. It happened to me many times early in our relationship.
I have a possible explanation for this.
More often the b’friend would speak in their local language rather than in English to show their friends, just cause they have a gori g’friend doesn’t mean he has turned on their language and culture… to make their friends feel comfortable. The g’friend is an insider….he doesn’t have to be that formal with her…she is on his side now.. The g’friend really ought not feel bad about this..its not because they want to ignore her or keep her away from their jokes etc.. Although the g’friend feeling left out is totally understandable.
The mind of Indians are very strange! LOL
Such a good forum..
Im living with an indian guy in australia im irish get homesick and miss my social life so much when he has indian friends over im ignored they are all fluent in english bt speak in punjabi which I dont know…I feel they look down on me..really feel im not strong enough for this life its lonely
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