Last night, my husband and I accompanied my sister-in-law and her husband to dinner at a friend’s place. It was the same friends whose 25th wedding anniversary celebration I attended earlier this year.
The friends always invite me to functions, and I’m always usually honoured to go along. However, last night was a bit of an ordeal for me. I wanted to go to the dinner, but I didn’t want to leave our apartment. I haven’t been feeling so good since the shock explosion (that is, cracker) right near my ear during Diwali, which made me half deaf for a day. I feel anxious and unsettled, and don’t want to be around any loud street noise. (Which means that I don’t want to go outside).
I made the effort to attend the dinner because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. However, to be honest, half way through the night I wanted to run away, and jump on the first plane home to familiarity. I felt so lonely and out of place.
My experience with India is very changeable. When I’m in good health and spirits, I feel capable of dealing with whatever situation I’m in. When my health isn’t that good, I feel tense, overwhelmed and claustrophobic. It’s made worse during the times that I can’t relax and be myself, such as last night.
Socialising in India is quite the opposite of socialising at home. At home, we would go to a friends house, and everyone would sit down together for a chat over a glass of wine or beer. Soon after, we’d move to the dining table where dinner would be served. Everyone would sit down there together and start eating, including the women. In India, it’s traditionally quite different. (Although socialising with my husband and his friends is quite like in the west).
As soon as we arrived last night, I was called into the kitchen with the other women, while the men remained in the living room. Dinner was yet to be cooked, so the women set about preparing it. I chatted briefly to the auntie in Hindi (because neither her nor the uncle speak English), and tried to learn as much as possible from the cooking.
Soon the kitchen was so hot and smokey, I couldn’t bare to be in it any more. My face was covered in a blanket of sweat. Uncle started serving beer and asked me if I wanted any. Of course I felt compelled to say no, although I was thinking the very opposite.
Soon, I had to leave the kitchen because it was too uncomfortable for me in there. It would’ve been inappropriate for me to go and join the men, so I was shown into another living room. There, I spent half an hour entertaining myself alone while the women tended to dinner and the men. Most of the time, I spent gazing out the window and into other people’s apartments. I appreciated that it was a rare opportunity for me to observe people and not be observed in return.
After a while though, I began to feel quite sorry for myself. I’m usually content in my own company, but I longed to be able to relax and join in the socialising. I missed the freedom and ease of my social life at home. I missed free flowing conversation, where I wasn’t limited to understanding only 25% of what was being said and giving one sentence responses, due to my lack of Hindi. Uncle kept offering me beer. Even my sister-in-law gave in and told me I could have some (she obviously started feeling sorry for me too). But I declined. Where’s the fun in sitting alone and drinking?
I didn’t have a bad night last night. Some parts of it were fun. I even laughed from time to time. For most of it though, I just felt very very lost. This caused me to confront my husband when we got home. I wanted to know why he hadn’t been of more help and support to me. Why couldn’t he have come to check on me and be with me?
His response was that he thought I was fine in the kitchen with the women. He also said it would’ve been rude for him to get up and leave the room once the serving of food had started (and food, starting with snacks, had been served very early on).
But I wasn’t feeling well! And I can’t hold a conversation in Hindi (let alone Marathi, which they were also speaking)! How could I be okay. Sometimes I just want to throw aside good Indian manners! And, sometimes I don’t think my husband realises all the sacrifices I make here for the sake of trying to display good manners (or even just for daily life in India).
I’m going back to Australia for a holiday next month, and I think it’s going to be very timely. I obviously really need to recharge myself and get my groove back!
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Sharell,
I love to read you. I find your blog inspiring and lets me see an outsider point of view to India. I was reading your post last night and truly felt what you might have been going through. I live in Scotland but just married a Bangalorean. My in-laws organised a reception for us in India. My FIL drinks whiskey but I didn’t know they would not serve alcohol in any function, well not even Coca Cola, just room-temp water. Shock! The day before our Indian reception, my hubby and his cousins disappeared for a while saying they would pick something up. Later I learned they had a drink somewhere else and some of the cousins were pretty wasted with only 2 pegs of whiskey. They arrived late and I was fuming. My hubby was apologetic but said it’s the first time the older cousins talk to him man-to-man. Anyway, I felt weird and out of place, just like you did but I didn’t even know what was going on. I was also lucky that almost everyone speaks English.
What I feel is that here in Scotland my hubby and I are a unity, 2 outsiders against the world but in India I think he might be too comfy and I will be the only odd one out. Still.. who knows..
I am Mexican so I’m happy to hear some aunties enjoy their Margaritas!
Eileen, I relate to you since I am the latinamerican half of my relationship. But nowhere I’ve been has pouring your own wine been considered too forward.
In all the parties that I throw, I insist that the ladies eat first(even if some of them initially used to politely refuse). This is practical from many points of view- Women usually eat fast and eat less, they don’t take much time. By the time the ladies are done,the men are still sipping their drinks and having their appetizers. The husbands will also do the babysitting at that time if the kids are very young. After the women are done, the men take their own sweet time with the main courses and desserts and the women take care of the kids during that time. This way neither party has to stay too hungry or too bored nor wait a long time for the other to get finished.
When my in-laws came for a visit, sometimes I used to have dinner before my husband when he was caught up in work or busy with something else. I explained to my in-laws that this is because I have gastric problem (and can not stay on empty stomach for long). They eventually accepted this.
In my side of our Bengali family, the women and men have food at the same time. But in more traditional settings like my husband’s side of a North Indian family, I have seen that the women always have food later. When I went to visit my husband’s relatives the first time after marriage, I too starved till late at night (as late as 11 pm and this was no special party day, just a regular dinner day!) and took food only with or after my husband. But this time when we go for a visit,I am going to tell them of the same gastric problem and either have food on time or arm myself with my own stock of biscuits/snacks.
Social norms are what we make of them. And as I said earlier, even traditions differ from one region to another, from one family to another. It is best to maintain a balance between the traditional and the modern in a way that keeps your sanity (and health) intact.
Anilu, that’s an interesting story too. I would’ve been bothered too about the guys going off and drinking like that. It is common though. My husband has two different sets of friends — the ones I’m allowed to join him for drinks with, and the ones I aren’t! The ones I can join in with are the cosmopolitan, western type ones who behave just like any western guy. We socialise together just like in the west. He met most of them during his time in the music industry. The ones I aren’t allowed to join in with are the ones who go off and drink in a park, in a group, away from their wives. Most of them, he’s known since childhood. Fortunately, he doesn’t have a lot to do with them anymore these days. He doesn’t see much point to their behaviour.
Anyway, some good has come from all the time I spent in the kitchen at the dinner gathering. I learned to cook a new prawn dish, which I made for my husband last night. He was rapt!
It was such an easy recipe too. When I make it again, I’ll take some photos and write about it here.
Handy tip: The next time there is a Diwali, use a noise cancelling headphone and play any music you like to block out the noise. This works for me in Delhi, where the Diwali crowd gets really animalistic. I am sure you husband, who is a DJ, would have a good set.
Also when there is a Holi, avoid going out of the house unaccompanied by family members. Finish all your shopping requirements a day or two before. It is another festival where women, especially pretty women are quite vulnerable to the bhang-stoned melee of sexually deprived Indian youngsters.
I find your blogs hugely interesting. Your interesting perspective of India and its inhabitants makes good reading. I will try to read all your blogs when I get time.
Best wishes and do keep posting.
Anjeneyan
Anilu- would love to hear from you as I am also Mexican married to a Bangalorian. Do you know any other Latino-Indian couples?
Abdullah K, do you have a website or blog?
I have one but I haven’t updated it for a very long time. Haven’t had much time for a blog anyway. I had a photolog but I closed it in favour of my Youtube channel where all I do is promote my pub.
I have been reading your blog and wonder how you do it. I am an american woman married to an Indian man for almost 8 years. While we currently reside in the US, we have spent a significant amount of time in India. My husband would someday like to live in India again, but the story you just described is my biggest reason for not wanting to live there. Very few of my husbands friends or family speak english reasonably well, and while I have learned his language, I feel the same in that I only ever understand about 25% of what is going on. This situation occurs on almost a daily basis when we are in India and every time i get so upset I don’t even recognize myself. Have you met friends there that you are totally at ease with and enjoy like I’m sure you had in Australia?
Hi Lou, my gosh, I don’t think I could handle it on a daily basis either. I really need my “normal” days, which fortunately I do have plenty of. These interactions don’t occur that often for me. If they did, I think I’d be going crazy! I’m fortunate I do have friends that I’m at ease with. It really makes a difference.
The first year is the hardest, but after that I’ve found that I’m much more comfortable being here. It’s kind of like moving to a new city, but harder!
Di, can’t believe it! Another latin-indian couple. So excited. Please do email me to share experiences
I have a grossly out of date blog so you can find my details there. It’s http://www.mexicoinuk.blogspot.com
Where do you guys live?
I only know of a Costa Rican married to an Indian and living in Germany. Will find her blog and tell you.
Que emocion!
“I was called into the kitchen with the other women, while the men remained in the living room. Dinner was yet to be cooked, so the women set about preparing it.”
oh my god. 20 years ago I lived outside Dallas, Texas and we went to a football party on a Sunday and that’s exactly what happened! Uh, not me…not this smart ass liberal woman from the North — I sat with the men.
So it doesn’t only happen in India!
Come to think of it, we have a bit of that culture in Australia when it comes to having barbecues. The women go into the kitchen to prepare the salad, while the men fiercely guard the BBQ and cook the meat like cave men.
well………………….i really found ur blogs vv interesting. So a question that hovers my mind is that whether you would have been more happier had not u married an Indian ? and whether other foreign girls should feel encouraged in entering into such marriages and staying in India..
Hi Ravsy, excellent question. I had a very long term relationship with someone from Australia and it ended really badly (he had had a very unstable upbringing with divorced parents, and it reflected in his personality — he was very unsettled and decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore), which I guess is part of the reason why a different kind of relationship appeals to me so much. I really appreciate India’s family values, stability, and commitment that is becoming very lacking in the west. I didn’t know that I would end up in India married to an Indian guy, and sometimes I do miss the ease of being with someone from my own culture. However, I do know for sure, from experience, that being with someone from my culture is no guarantee of my happiness. I can’t really say whether other foreign girls should feel encouraged to enter into marriage with an Indian guy and stay in India. It really depends on personal circumstances and goals in life. I was ready to try something different, I really needed a change of environment, and new experiences in order to grow. After my relationship ended, I realised I wasn’t feeling fulfilled with what I was doing with my life — particularly work. So I was at a point in my life where change needed to come. Perhaps I wouldn’t recommend what I’ve done for younger women. I was just over 30 years old when I came here to India, so I’d already experienced much of life, and had a more mature outlook. I’d already travelled widely, and lived my life well. I do feel that younger women may not be so mentally equipped to be able to readily deal with living in India. It can be quite challenging — a person really does need to be willing to adapt a lot, and be open minded and accepting. I struggle with missing my friends and family, and old lifestyle at times. However, I think maybe it’s easier to deal with because I’m older. I’ve done everything I wanted to back home. I don’t feel like I’m missing out. Now when I visit home, I see everyone doing the same old thing, and I’m glad that I’m not one of them! I’m living my life with passion and heart, and love each day. Life doesn’t bore me one bit, and I have the freedom to explore so many new things! I think one other important factor with my situation is that I had already spent considerable time in India before getting married and moving here. I’d known my husband for two years before we got married. I didn’t just meet a guy, get married, and then shift to India to be with him without having much knowledge of India and the living environment. I fully knew what I was getting myself into, and already had developed a love of India. That made it much easier for me to fit into life here. I hope this answer helps.
Hi Sharell,
I am an Indian woman living in Illinois. I moved to the US when I was around 20, 8 yrs ago … I was raised in small-town India – mostly in the north. I am married to an Indian guy from Bihar (from a relatively conservative family). I’ve been reading your blogs and I do feel you’re putting up with a lot. You don’t seem to mind, but the fact that you feel claustrophobic on some difficult days, makes me wonder if you shouldn’t just be a 100% true to yourself and your most comfortable self rather than trying to fit in. I am a new daughter-in-law, and I have struggled coming to terms with the fact that my parents in law will never be as easy-going and non-interefering as my parents. But I decided that I’m going to stay exactly the same person I was before marriage. I am not going to wear sarees, salwar kameezes. I am going to drink. I am not going to do anything that my husband wouldn’t be asked to do by my parents or his parents. I don’t want anyone to have double standards with me. Just relax, be yourself, discover India in deeper, more meaningful ways, stay safe (so dress accordingly), make friends with like-minded, progressive women(that shouldn’t be difficult), work somewhere(anywhere) and make a life for yourself in India. Have fun .. Dont be bothered too much about what your in-laws or other Indians will think. I lie to my in-laws and spend extra time with my parents when I visit India. I hide the fact that my husband and I travel by ourselves in and outside India. I have to do all this because my in-laws won’t feel happy for our sakes. Instead they’d be jealous or possessive or just negative. But this works for my husband and me. We go on living with honesty towards each other and our dreams and a bit of dishonesty spares my in-laws and us from a lot of rsentment and ill-will.
Its been a real long time that I went to any place where men and women are required to do different things in different rooms!! I do recollect that things were this way in India when my parents used to entertain, but have never encountered this behaviour in our generation (I am in my 30′s).
My way of dealing with all these quirks of India was to not bother much about the small things or customs, like I didnt mind wearing an India dress to my in-laws place or dress up in a saree for weddings and other functions.
But when people impose and feel they can make decisions such as whether I should work or not, whether I can visit my parents house or not, which country we should stay in or ‘settle down’ in, etc, that is where I drew a nice strong line and stuck up for myself. I didnt even bother explaining to my FIL when he said I should leave my job. The way he said it was, “I know that you have been doing an IT job for the past 10 years, but now I feel that this is too much and you should stay home for the family”.
Although I would have burst out laughing a few years ago at such a dialogue, but experience with people in Gujarat has taught me that they actually say such things and mean them. He was actually being serious when he thought he could make any kind of decision for me and I had no right to argue. Thankfully my hubby is the exact opposite of his father, and finds such statements as ridiculous as I do.
Unfortunately in India, no matter how educated and professional a woman is, people are quite narrow minded and do not understand the concept of a ‘career’ versus a ‘job’. Thankfully things are changing at least in places like Bombay. The rest of India has a long way to go IMHO.
“I do feel that younger women may not be so mentally equipped to be able to readily deal with living in India. It can be quite challenging — a person really does need to be willing to adapt a lot, and be open minded and accepting.”
Interesting. I found that I had to become more closed-minded and judgemental in order to live fit in in India.
Thats interesting. I didn’t know a mind like yours could get any narrower or more judgemental.
“Thats interesting. I didn’t know a mind like yours could get any narrower or more judgemental.”
You should’ve met me before India. I was a free-spirited, new age, woo woo, politically correct hippie type who thought “everybody is the same and we should all just live in peace and love and hold hands while singing ‘Kumbaya’”.
India matured me, to say the least.
I think you’ve married a person from North India like UP or Bihar because in Maharashtra or in S. India the situation is different. May be not in villages …women are liberated and do join the company of their friends….You should talk with Marathi people or south Indians ….India changes on every few miles….customs changes…N. India is backward and still sticks to the very old fashion customs and beliefs …
Thats naivette, not open-mindedness. And really, hippies are not some kind of open-minded, new age spiritualists. Rather they are societial parasites and a good example of why parentage should be licensed.
Hi Shilpa, actually my husband’s family is from Orissa. But the family friends are true Maharastran. Both still follow the tradition of serving the men etc. Women cook while men socialise, that’s just how it is. Neither are backwards. They’re just traditional.
I have just discovered this web and I can soo relate to this piece because I too am a white Australian from Melbourne who is dating a N.Indian NRI (Punjabi) boy and was trying to learn more about the culture and beliefs etc. (actually truth be told I was trying to find pictures of Caucasian women wearing a traditional N.Indian dress to see what colour would suit me as later in the year I have to go to Indian with him to attend a wedding and meet the family which I am extremely nervous, scared, worried and excited over. I’m guessing it will be a big deal considering they’re from an area that is like a small town, not rural but not exactly a major city (or so I’m guessing.) Ha!!
My boyfriend lives with other NRI Punjabs and I too know a small amount of the language, and it’s so true. You really feel as though you are only getting about 25% of the conversation. In my case I would be lucky if I got 10% haha. Sometimes when I have spent a whole day with him and his friends I too feel so isolated and alone and I haven’t even left Australia!!!
I am also taller the my boyfriend and older so this is going to be very interesting when I go over there esp if his family are traditional, but I have to admit that I would never have it any other way. It is so hard in when you are from two VERY different cultures and there has to be some give and take. But I enjoy the ride and the fact that through him I have found myself. The fact that Indian regardless of whether they are Northern or Southern have such strong family values and that everything revolves around the family unit is both frustrating but refreshing. It is so true what you said earlier about how on general note western society is losing that respect for our elders, are starting not to have family values and is losing that commitment to the family unit.
I just really wanted to say thank you for this web page. I have many Indian female friends who are either wives FOB or NRI here for study purposes and although I pick their brains constantly for cultural insight (the do’s and the don’ts and the UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES EVER DO’s) it so refreshing to have someone like yourself who is a NRA (Hehe) explain through your eyes what’s it’s like to be a Caucasian woman married to an Indian man. The amount that I have learnt in just a small time is priceless. Thank you and good luck with it!!
Lo
Kkvic, what do you mean by this:
“But I enjoy the ride and the fact that through him I have found myself.”
How did you find *yourself* through *another* person?
Firstly let me apologise, when I write sometime what I am trying to portray and what I have actually written are way of the mark!!! Haha
What I mean by I have found myself with him is that by being with him is that he has made me a better person. Or what I really meant to say was that I am a better person by being with him. He and I were good friends before we starting dating. His generosity, openness, integrity, family values and the fact that he was just a happy little camper (nothing upset him too much. He never held a grudge or never lost face towards situations or people) were some of the many qualities that he has that attracted me to him. Myself, I am the complete opposite. I get angry to quickly, and extremely impatient and if someone has done wrong I hold onto that for a long time.
He has the strongest work ethic I know our circle of friends and his willingness to help others are just some of the traits that made me fall in love with him, apart from being quite handsome of cause!!!
He inspired me to change my ways, to take a deep breath, to relax, to value what’s truly important.
He is also the one person who I can truly be myself with (and I get to eat with my hands yay!!!) He is my best friend and each day I continually find something new about him, fall in love that little bit more or learn something new that helps me in my life. Even if that is learning how to roll a paranta properly!!! Haha
With him he accepted me straight away for who I was. There was no mask or wall that had to be broken through. I didn’t have to change myself to fit in or be accepted. He just loved me for me. Oh and I didn’t have to marry him for him to get PR or a green card, hahahaha!!!
Yes I there are times where the cultural difference can be a bit hard, sometimes when I am out with him and his friends and they all speak in their language. Sure they address me in English, but when they are all laughing or having a serious conversation I get curious and wish I knew what it was about. I’m female after all. I can’t help myself I love gossip and scandal!!!
I do worry that when we marry how will it all work, how will I learn how to cook beautifully like his mother and what do I cook? How much of each cultures food do I cook on a daily basis or I’m a cooking with all that ghee and onions for the rest of my life and need to ensure I have a life time gym membership?
How many hours of my life will I lose watching all the family’s or friends of the family 4 day wedding dvds? Or will I ever get used to Indian standard time, how are you supposed to organise a dinner when it’s polite to be at least 15minutes late??? Haha!!!
But I have found that I enjoy learning these differences, I enjoy the fact that there are these differences and sometimes that these difference can be quite testing. But then I see the beauty in both and take the good parts and leave behind the not so good parts. I think that by being with him has made me be both more feministic but also stronger as a person and I think that if I was in a relationship that did not have these differences then I would most certainly not enjoy it half as much!!! Besides I would have never ever discovered some great bhangra music, or kaju burfi, nor would I have met and established such interesting and rewarding relationships with people
Kkvic, does he expect you to live with his parents after marriage?
No, his parents still are in Punjab, I don’t think that at their age they would want to relocate in general let alone to another country!!! But without a doubt they will visit for months at a time!!! I just want them to be at piece with their son’s choice in marriage. I know the taboo surrounding love marriages, let alone with a western girl!!!
The only thing that I would expect to happen is that when we do marry and live together that his father’s best friends son will continue living wiht him in our house and to be honest with you that is fine by me!! He to is a nice person who is very clean and is resp with paying bills etc. I would rather him live with us then in a two bedroom house with 8 other guys!!!
To be honest with you it would be my parents who would live with us in the end as I refuse to put them in a home for the old. Why should I toss them into one of those homes after they have done so much for me. It was them who put food on my plate, who paid for my education and who nursed me when I was sick. I would like them to enjoy their final days surrounded by happy times and family not in some home for the old and being sad and lonely. This is one thing that I made clear for word get go, and he has supported this which is great.
As I said earlier I have to meet his whole family towards the end of the year. So I am hoping that when I go over there they will be happy with his son’s choice and that it is all smooth sailing, and I hope that whilst I’m over there I can learn from his aunty and his mother how to cook properly and also improve my Punjabi.
Kkvic, you better make sure before you marry that he doesn’t expect you to move to Punjab at some point. And make sure that you let him know that you expect YOUR parents to live with you, in whatever country YOU are currently living (not India). These are the major issues with Desi guys as in Desi culture the son is expected to live with parents his whole life and bring his wife to live with and SERVE them. If it’s not happening now, he will expect it at some point, believe me.
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