One Indian reader recently posted an interesting comment about her love marriage into a conservative family from a village in Bihar. She said she had to adjust to their customs, such as covering her face with a ghoonghat in front of men so that her eyes wouldn’t be seen. It was difficult and frustrating for her at first, because it wasn’t part of her tradition. She was a cosmopolitan girl who had worn jeans and a t-shirt before marriage.
It’s no secret that I’ve also made an effort to adapt to Indian customs. Although I haven’t had to go as far as wear saris on a daily basis and cover my face, I’ve still had to make many changes. Some of them I find difficult — such as not referring to my husband by his name, and the different behaviour at social functions. Other customs, I enjoy — such as touching the feet of my parents-in-law on special occasions.
I’ve been happy to make the effort to embrace these customs to earn the respect and acceptance of people.
However, others wonder why bother. Should Indian traditions such as wearing a ghoonghat, which promote inequality, be retained? And should an outsider adapt to them?
Related Posts:
- Challenges With Indian-Foreigner Marriages
- Four Hours in the Customs Office
- The Difficulty of Dating an Indian Part 2
- The Difficulty of Dating an Indian Part 3
- My Bad Indian Habits
- Our Indian Wedding Ceremony
- Racist Attacks on Indian Students in Australia
- 4 Hours at the Mumbai Registrar of Marriage
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And I think the difference between the men I know and the animals I know is that the men can control themselves and have will and choice.
Awwww, thats’ so sweet! See the wonders of a loving relationship are endless. If only people realize that love truly stems out of sacrifice.
Oh, sorry Hypocrite ji. I meant other lowly people like Suhani and myself. Does not include high up Americans like your good self.
To motoakijane ,
If humans can control themsleves and have will and choice , why not dress up decently. Why give others a chance to misbehave and put yourself in an embarassing situation . Cases of eve teasing , molesation , groping etc . can be minimized if women dress themselves decently ( No skin show please ! )
Ramit,I’d giv u 10 on 10 for dat comment!
I loved dat line:Love truly stems out of sacrifice.Dat is just so true…
Hi Sharell,
I think we kind of got on this topic on “another” page a few days back, nah?
I’ve been meaning to come over and comment on this subject and then never got an opportunity before today.
Everyday, I wear the sindoor, the bindi, my manglasutra, my wedding band and my toe rings. Occasionally I will wear bangles, but after a while they get on my nerves and I take them off.
So why do I do it? For no other reason that it makes “mera ahoo” unbelievably happy to see me wearing so many representations of “him”. And I love my husband’s being happy and I adore to see him smile. So, I do these things for him. And for no one else. And because I also enjoy it. That’s it.
I do wear Indian attire when visiting with his family as it’s a sign of respect in their homes and presence. It is no different than me dressing up in a dress or a skirt, blouse and patent leather shoes for my Grandparents in US. They’ve never told me they expect this, I just know it would please them so I do it.
But I also do not think it’s right to force someone to wear something that they are uncomfortable with just because of your own personal belief. I have a friend in the US who is Muslim. She never, EVER wore a burqa. Her father had once told his soon to be wife, if you want to wear it then that is fine….but never let my family MAKE you. So she didn’t and he stood up for her right not to and therefore my friend also did not have to once she came of age. Now, no one in the entire family wears it, even my friends father’s mother. And the father no longer worries over it.
I’m wondering if whether more people gave OTHER people permission to be themselves and then fought beside them for that right, if things wouldn’t become better….
Protecting Hinduism is a noble thought. Kudos to you. But just don’t start to harass the youth on Valentine’s day or run after half dressed teens in a pub at night with a lathi. That’s no good.
Dear Shaunak,
Ok, you were the one to cast the first stone…
I admire the Chinese people, I don’t idolize them. I love their manners who remain intact even in the toughest conditions. Do you have any idea how (some) women here dress? Incredibly sexy! I’ve seen groups of Chinese men passing by them, and not even one turned his head, let alone eve teasing or groping. Sorry, but in India (as I heard) a woman won’t even have to show any skin to be eve teased or cat called. The simple fact that she’s young, ok looking and white will do there.
Please note that I am not generalizing. Not all Indians do that, of course. But I think Sharell made it very clear in her posts that it happens – and I don’t think she was running naked in that Mumbai garden or something!
And one more thing – a woman’s body is one of the most beautiful things nature has created. We have a word here: “What is beautiful even God admires”. Indeed, we are not animals to expose our bodies shamelessly on the streets or to copulate as you said. But we are emotional beings, who like to be appreciated, admired and love.
Admired: it’s written into a woman’s genetical code to try to remain attractive and gain the attention and admiration of the opposite sex. Some men are upset nowadays to see women in short skirts, but I didn’t see the cave men in prehistorical times getting too upset on their women when they put stone and metal necklaces around their neck to distunguish themselves from the other female competition. Isn’t it the same situation of trying to get male admiration?
Appreciated: Everyone likes to hear they look good. People have the tendency of expressing their personality and make a difference. How can we make a difference if we all dress the same? Why can men show their hairy legs (sorry Ramit, hope you’re not eating now) and (hanging) bellies and a young girl with beautiful legs and toned belly can’t? Aren’t we living in a free of sexism world? Oh, we don’t? They call us shameless and they tease us? So should I, as a woman, be responsable for their lack of education and for missing the (good) point of me dressing that way?
Loved: PDA banning – who the hell invented this crap? “So… sorry my darling, I can’t hold your hand or kiss your cheek cause we are in public, but if you feel like pipi or shu shu just go round the corner. There might be some kids playing or women passing, but since it’s not PDA everyone should be fine with it!”.
Shaunak, you are young. Young people now are the future of India. If a young person like you disapproves of displays of affection (and I don’t mean copulating, I mean tenderness), what can anyone expect from the old generation now? Sure, love, which is the most precious and beautiful gift, is a sin, but guns, riots, dirt on the streets, gangs and hatrid towards other nations (like the West) are not…
Auroracoda, all topics seem to be leading to dress standards and appearance at the moment!
I think you’ve got the right attitude, and even better that the way you dress brings so much happiness to your husband.
Okay, I’ve moved some comments over to here from another post because they’ve also turned into a discussion about appropriate dress and behaviour!
Dear Claudia ,
I live and study in Pune . Several Afghan , Iranian and Lebanese student girls also study in Pune . Afghans , Iranians and Lebanese are white and if Indian men are so bad why aren’t these young , white Afghan , Iranian and Lebanese women eve teased or molested . Why are only European women molested ? The answer is very simple – if you dress yourself modestly the chances of your sexual harassment are greatly reduced .
I agree that every woman wants her beauty to be appreciated , but this doesn’t give you the license to dress cheaply like a slut . A woman can seduce her husband after marriage and not any unknown strangers .
Claudia , my thinking is modern but family values traditional . Why can’t the youth display their “sense of modernity” through accmplishments in academics , sports and social work . Why do young girls have to dress cheaply to show that they are modern . In India women who wear revealing clothes are mistaken to be prostiutes . Entire Eastern Europe has become morally corrupted just to earn some dollars . Eastern Europe has no economy and industry of it’s own . The very existence of eastern europe is dependent on foreign aid and support . In conrast the asian countries are far better better than the countries of eastern europe . India and China are the two rising super powers of the world . We ( Asians ) work hard to earn our bread .
Claudia , there are some issues such as cleanliness , peeing in public etc. in India which require immediate address . In India we have laws against littering , peeing in public etc . but there is no proper law enforcement due to overpopulation . Also in India many people are uneducated and lack civic sense . Once the education reaches the masses problems like cleanliness , dirt on the streets , peeing in public wll also lessen .
Claudia , never ever commit the blunder of comparing “Romania” with “India” . Your puny , little country ( Romania ) is nothing in front of India . India is now a super power and the world’s fourth largest economy in terms of purchasing power parity ( PPP ). India has the world’s second largest army and a wide Industrial base . Unlike Romania ,India does not rely on external aid for development .
Sharell , please don’t delete my comments . I was only clarifying Claudia’s queries regarding India , Indian men and pointing the fallacity of her statements .
@ Ramit – “Indian American, I’d give the best comedian award to Abdullah! He makes me ROFL!
”
Thank you, messrs and ma’am.
Most of the women who get harassed in India wear traditional Indian clothes, white women included. Now would you justify it saying thats the ‘price’ a woman has to pay for being pretty in India?
What is the difference between a man and an ape if they can’t exercise restraint and treat women as fellow human beings?
Of course! Being publicly affectionate is such a great sin that those who engage in it should be punished for their crime against humanity. After all, they should be making more constructive use of their time and effort by setting standards of public behaviour – like rioting, violent mobs and other such public displays of hatred(PDH).
Indeed motoakijane, clothing doesn’t invite rape or molestation. It is the pervert mentality created by years of sexual repression and misogny that does.
My two paise to Shaunak Goshwami:
Shaunak, read the Vedas, Mahabharata and the Bhagvad. When I say read, it means read, not recite. Perhaps then you will realise what Hinduism really stands for, as opposed to the perverted political Hinduism created by RSS and other terrorist goons.
Sharell when you get time, dont forget to visit Somnath temple in Gujarat and get Lord Shiv Jis blessings. When you are in Punjabi dont forget to go to the Golden Temple of Amritsar and get Wahe Guru Jis blessing and I am guessing you already went to the Sun temple in Konark, Orrisa and paid respect to Lord Surya. There are hundreds of other ancient and spiritual places to visit all over India and pay respect to the Gods and Goddesses. Do visit those places when you get time. It is customary for us to visit those sacred places when we are in India. Trust me its a different feeling to enter those sacred places.
Dear Abdullah ,
By dressing cheaply a woman is inviting trouble for herself by giving ” Wrong ” signals ” and adding ” fuel ” to the ” fire ” . A women’s immodest styleof dressing acts as a catalyst in the reaction .Sex and fore play is something private that happens in the bedroom and not in public !
By the way why aren’t White Afghan , Iranian and Lebanese women molested in India ?
“Cases of eve teasing , molesation , groping etc . can be minimized if women dress themselves decently ( No skin show please ! )”
Not true!!!!!!!!!!
In India I was harrassed all the time and I dressed ultra-conservatively (more than even conservative Indian women). Same goes for the other women in my area – all conservative dressers, even they don’t look good at all and they are being harrassed – young and old alike!
In the West I dress less conservative and nobody bothers me at all.
It’s because Indian men are sexually frustrated, even if they are married.
“Afghans , Iranians and Lebanese are white and if Indian men are so bad why aren’t these young , white Afghan , Iranian and Lebanese women eve teased or molested . Why are only European women molested ?”
………………………………………………….
How do you know that the Afghanis, Iranians and Lebanese women are not being harrassed on the buses, trains and in the bazaars? I can guarantee you that they are, just like MANY MANY Indian women are harrassed on a daily basis. It’s NOT JUST EUROPEAN WOMEN.
In fact, Indian women are now fighting back against “eve teasing”:
http://blog.blanknoise.org/
And people, Blank noise are hiring! Check them out! I support Blank Noise.
Millions of women in India dress conservatively and still get harassed in India. Even nuns get molested and raped in India, especially by RSS/VHP mobs.
Oh really? Pray, where do women in India actually have sex and foreplay in public? You are starting to sound ridiculous, Mr. Goshwami.
They are. But since the same happens in their countries as well, they accept it as a ‘crime’ of being a woman and move on.
Dear Shaunak,
Indian, Lebanese or European women – eve teasing might happen to all of them, no matter how they dress (except maybe if they wear a burka, but I don’t (want to) think you’re that much radical!). It’s not me who said it, but Sharell and all the friends here did – these are people who live there and know what they are talking about!
The point of “dressing like a slut”, as you put it, was not to seduce strangers. One thing is to be admired and complimented and another thing is to expect sexual favors or advances from strangers. And by dressing according to one’s personality, I didn’t mean dressing cheap. A woman can be extremely sexy in a trench coat or a tight knee-length dress that complement her curves. It’s about looking nice and making the man beside you proud to be with you, not about making people on the street horny. And dressing nice doesn’t necesarily mean modern. What is modern anyway? This summer long “modern” hippie-like dresses were in – a garment which any taliban would give his ok to, and many European girls were wearing it.
And one more thing – why do I always have to be made responsable for what the Eastern European countries do? You mentioned that in many of your posts now. To insult some small countries and implicitly call them beggers looking at a handful of dollars from richer countries and without value and economy just because yours has more power is not fair.
It didnt even occur to me to ever compare Romania with India. I didn’t even mentioned my country’s name or anything about my country in my previous comment. India and Ro are much too different to ever be compared – they bare little or no similarities in culture, population, size, geography, history, mentality or style of life.
And yes, my country is small and puny (now, it depends, it’s small compared to India!). And yes, my country is a nothing (at least for you). Would that define me as a person? Should I never forget that when I write my comments? For your own info, every country in this world, little, tiny, insignificant as it is, has its own role in the economy.
If any small country’s existence would depend on the bigger ones, we wouldn’t have existed by now. Because no one helps us, without returning them every cent we borrow. Big and small, every country should learn from each other something good to improve their social environment and political background. This is not a competition between India and the East of EU, we are not in kindergarten.
Hmm… something is wrong with my computer. Posted my comments 1000 times! Sorry, Sharell
Dear Claudia ,
I am very sorry for my rash statements . I have hurt you and I am extremely sorry for it. From now on I will not make any comparisons between India and Eastern Europe . I have realised that every country is different and it is foolish on my part to make comparisons .
Claudia you are a very nice person and a good human being . Your kindness and polite behaviour has put me to shame . Claudia , I beg for forgiveness . Please forgive me . I promise you that next time I shall not repeat the same mistake again . I also sincerely apologise to you for having referred to Romania in a derogatory way . Claudia , I take back my words and sincerely apologise for my mistake .
Dear Sharell ,
You have been very good to me . You have been very patient with all my ” crap ” . From next time I shall stick to the topic and not talk about Russia . I am quite a young and immature kid ( only 21 years of age ) who can still change his views on getting more exposure to the real world .
Dear Shaunak,
I have not taken any offense in anything you said. I understand you are a person who passionately fights to defend his views and this is not (always) a bad thing. I see you as my friend and I will never put some comments which have been made at heart. If you enlarge your perspectives on the world, it won’t be me, but you who will win.
“Hmm… something is wrong with my computer. Posted my comments 1000 times! Sorry, Sharell”
Do an online virus check with an updated virus scanner Claudia. Bitdefender online, one of the best.
Wow what a coincidence. I didn’t know it was Romanian made. Yes, bit defender for pc takes a lot of memory on my computer too but then the online scanner is nice and easy to use and even found some virus that other scanners couldn’t find but then not all scanners can find each and every viruses out there so its best to scan your pc with multiple virus scanners. You’re welcome.
I will for sure
I use Avast Anti Virus. It’s free and fast. But I’d like to try Bit defender too. How much does it take off the RAM? I have a 1 GB RAM only.
Shaunak good to see you apologise. It’s easy to criticise and hard to accept our own follies. There is still hope it seems.
Maybe. I won’t publish the four highly insulting messages he wrote to Abdullah though!
And you were also kind enough to delete the rude comments he made to Viksdes before he could see them. (hopefully)
Yes, hopefully before he saw them!
hahaha was it very rude guys? missed it, was away from pc…so the world is still good then!
Praise the Good Lord Viksdes!
Indeed, your eyes would’ve popped out and your ears would’ve curled right up and dropped off!
I think Mr Vice President was taken over by the spirit of ex0834309343 who was kicked out of this blog for being rude himself.
They could be one and the same person too you know.
On the internet, you would never know who’s who. Even one single person could be commenting on the same blog with two different ways.
Anyways, I don’t think I would want to talk about him anymore now on this blog. He’s been very rude with Sharell & most other people too.
Who knows Ramit, could be the same person. Forget about him, he was attracting negative attention anyways.
Yeah, that’s true. I was surprised actually when I came home from work and logged in. Didn’t fathom so much would have happened.
This blog is haunted? Now I’m starting to get scared and shivery…. :/
I think he-Shaunak likes to be centre of attention. I am soo much wanting to know where he studies in Pune. Question is such young (and educated) minds of India having such right wing political views,they are talking about Hindutva and moral policing! Shaunak surprised me , it was not debatable too as it was his pure anger against some culture he did’t even understand really! But this blog is about India and Indians and it’s melange with the west and Sharell most of us are here exactly for that!
Haunted yeah! I’m scared too…
“This blog is haunted? Now I’m starting to get scared and shivery…. :/”
Abdullah, I have a strange feeling that extension2309834038’s spirit is still lurking around somewhere on this blog. Now since Mr Vice President has gotten booted out, even his restless spirit will be lurking around.
I’m pretty sure they’re different people. According to ext’s IP address, he’s in the US. Shaunak is in India.
So you think one cannot make their IP address look like it came from another place? Isn’t that possible? What does my IP look like? Geez I don’t even know if I have a IP!
Er… Sorry to ask this. What is IP?
Ramit, it’s your internet protocol address. Every internet connection has one. Look what it’s possible to find out about you:
Your IP Address: 122.162.247.177
IP Address Hostname: ABTS-North-Dynamic-177.247.162.122.airtelbroadband.in
IP Country: India
IP Country Code: IND
IP Continent: Asia
IP Region: Delhi
City: New Delhi
IP Latitude: 28.6
IP Longitude: 77.2
ISP Provider: Bharti Broadband
Sharell, that’s a lot of info! Wow! I don’t understand most if it, but I am in Delhi, India and I use Airtel internet which is a brand name of the company Bharti Telecom.
You already know this hehe.
I guess I live in a different India then your friend does. In my case after our marriage my wife retained her name and did not adopt my surname, she never wore ‘mangalsutra’ or any other sign of married women, she never wore sari after marriage (only indian dress she ever wears is Kurtha’s), she refers to me with my name or nickname, …
Btw, we both are indians, brought up and lived most of our life in india.
I guess in the end it’s the question of what values both the families bring into the relationship and how much do you want to adjust.
Hi Bhatti, that sounds very unusual and interesting — and liberating! It doesn’t bother you at all? I guess you’re very open minded. My husband wears a wedding ring and I’m very glad about that, to have at least one sign of marriage showing.
Hi Sharell, you said that you don’t call your husband by his name..? so what do you call him then? Do all indians not call thir husbands by their names? And why is that?
Hi European, I think this was discussed somewhere in the comments for this post, but there are so many comments (and plenty that are irrelevant) that it would probably take you a long time to find it! This tradition really highlights the difference between the east and west. In the west, it’s good manners to call people by their names, however in India it’s the opposite. It’s actually disrespectful to call people by their names! My husband personally doesn’t mind me saying his name because he’s not very traditional, but we usually call each other by pet names. If I’m around anyone else (such as my husband’s family) I should refer to my husband as “he” or “him” (the formal version in Hindi) or “my husband”. If I want to get his attention, I should say “please listen” (mind you, this is said in Hindi too, so I’m just giving the translation here). Many Indian women don’t call their husbands by their names, but some do. The tradition extends to other relationships as well, and it gets really complicated at times. For example, brother’s wife called “bhabi”. I address my older sisters in law as “didi”. Older men and women are always addressed as “uncle” and “auntie” even if they’re not related to you!
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