An Indian reader living abroad recently contacted me and suggested that I write a post about the mistakes Indians make, especially when trying to behave in a western manner. One particular story comes to mind — that of a young Indian guy from Kerala, who had never been out of his state before coming to Melbourne to study. It’s the tale of his shock, and mine, during his first week in Australia.
The story starts around three years ago, when I was managing a guesthouse in the tourist beach town of Varkala, Kerala. An Australian friend had been leasing the guesthouse for a number of years, but couldn’t make her mind up if she wanted to continue doing so. Her priorities had changed, so she asked me to run the guesthouse for the eight months of the tourist season.
Towards the end of the season, the owner approached me. His son was coming to study in Melbourne, he told me. Could his son ask me for help? I reluctantly agreed, if I was in Melbourne at the time. My reluctance came from the fact that the owner had not been particularly hospitable to me, and had constantly asked me for money for every possible thing. I was not in the mood to provide free orientation services to his son.
The time for the son’s move to Melbourne arrived, and it just so happened that I had recently returned to the city myself. The son repetitively contacted me, begging me to let him stay with me. I had a spare room, and was yet to start working. So, I agreed to rent the room to him for some much needed money.
The night that I picked him up from the airport was the beginning of one of the most challenging weeks of my life. Yes, his stay with me only lasted a week. It ended very abruptly one night, after it became clear that we could not adapt to each other.
I had met the son once in Kerala, but I could barely recognise him at the airport. He was dressed formally, in pants and a shirt. As soon as I loaded him and his luggage into the car, the questions started. Each sentence that he spoke was preceded with “Sister…” or “In Kerala…”
Some of his questions, I couldn’t answer. So, I had to refer him to my housemate. It became apparent very quickly that neither of them could understand each other, despite both speaking in English.
He began to unpack and brought out a statue of his god. “Sister… you have small chair for god?”, he asked me. I managed to determine that he wanted a small gold throne that Hindu gods sometimes sit on in India — which of course I didn’t have. “Sister…. you have oranges? For feeding to god.”, he then asked hopefully.
His morning puja (worship) soon had my housemate and I running to our rooms. He appeared daily in the kitchen, fresh from showering and naked except for a small towel, to collect the oranges. Following his puja, he hunted us down to apply red powder not only on our foreheads but on our throats.
Mealtimes brought more anxiety. I made him toast for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch, but he refused to eat it. “Sister… I want rice. You make rice now”, became a familiar request. My parents came to visit, so I made Indian curry. We all sat at the table to dine, but he had to eat with his hands because he couldn’t manage to use the cutlery. My housemate and I got pizza for dinner one night. “Please help yourself”, we told him. “Sister…you serve my meal”, he replied.
I started sneaking vodka into my juice by midday to try and remain calm.
He realised that he needed a plug adapter for his appliances, so I took him shopping at a three level mall. He’d never seen an escalator in his life, and was too scared to get on it. We found a plug adapter but he was horrified over the price — $20 (700 rupees). “Sister…this is too much money. In Kerala, this is costing only….”
I inquired about his college studies, particularly when did he start. “Sister… I am not knowing”. Sigh. He handed me a letter from his college, and I quickly realised that he’d already missed the first day of his orientation. I rang the college and arranged for him to attend a later orientation. “Sister….you are coming with me, okay.” Another sigh from me. I really needed time to find a job!
On the morning of his orientation, we set off together on the train towards the central business district of Melbourne. “Sister…”, he soon commenced as we were walking along the street. “That phone booth, how much calling to India?” I looked around. Which phone booth? “Sister… here phone booth”. I was astonished to see him pointing, not to a phone booth, but to an automated parking ticket vending machine.
I safely delivered him to his English test, and then to his orientation, and waited all day in the city for him to finish. I was tired and looking forward to some time alone, relaxing at home. “Sister… tomorrow you also coming”. Sigh. “Sister…I need job, you help me find job”. Bigger sigh. When would I ever get a chance to find myself a job! “Sister… me hungry…tonight I want rice. You make rice”.
I became exasperated. “Look”, I told him. “You haven’t even paid me rent and food money yet”. “Sister…I am not having enough money”, he responded. “Well, then you can’t eat!” I replied, fed up. He found it hard to comprehend that although I was living in a house owned by my parents, it was an investment property with a mortgage. I paid them rent money and was not staying for free, and neither could he. “In Kerala……”.
When we arrived home, I shut myself in my bedroom, hoping for some peace and quiet. I didn’t get it though. There was a repetitious knocking on my door. “Sister….” “Please, I’m tired, don’t bother me tonight”, I insisted.
Except for while he was asleep, I’d barely had five minutes uninterrupted since he’d stepped off the plane. It was well and truly taking its toll on me.
His room was next to mine, and I heard a flurry of animated phone calls in Malayalam. Not long after, there was another knock on my door. “Sister… I am leaving”. “Really, when?”. “Now”, he told me. “Okay”, I replied. He had interrupted me trying to meditate, so I wasn’t keen to continue the conversation.
Soon, I heard a car and Indian voices outside. Doors banged. And then there was silence. I got up and found my housemate. Had he really gone? We looked at each other in disbelief and relief. Just like that, he’d managed to find alternative accommodation, while previously pleading with us that he had nowhere to stay. We searched the house for signs of his belongings. However, all we could find were the mouldy remains of the fruit he’d fed his god, lying under the bed and in drawers.
I felt terrible about what the situation had come to, but there was nothing I could do about it. Despite my familiarity with India, the cultural divide was just too huge. I couldn’t cope with him and his requests. I debated in my mind, was he taking advantage of me as my friends suggested or, more likely, was he simply behaving according to his culture?
Epilogue: The son is still in Melbourne and doing well. I saw him in the street a few months later. He had shaved off his moustache and acquired a fashionable western look. He has even managed to cook rice for himself.
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I just wanted to expand on what Sharell’s Celebrity...
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I was scared for my sanity!!
Glad you love the blog.
I would guess that he really needed you then. He probably found an alternative arrangement because he was left with no choice.
Yes, I would be very annoyed too. But I would probably find the way to explain to him. Too bad you had to go through the ordeal!
Abdulla: Gujaratis generally have this problem with understanding societies. Since religion is often the focus of their life, they have a difficulty seperating religion from ethnicity.
@ Amit Desai – “How many people in India can even understand the concept of ‘ethnicity’?”
Almost every person in India understands the concept of ethnicity. A Bihari for instance, knows that he is a Bihari and understands that being a Bihari is different from being a Bengali, a Punjabi or a Marathi. India is a country where ethnic divisons are very precise, as cross cultural marriages have been rather uncommon.
………………..
But Abdullah, here you a making a similar mistake you accuse Gujaratis of.
There is a big difference between ethnic background and culture.
Biharis and Bengalis are the same ethnicity. How would you say they are not? However, culturally, they are different.
Ethnicity is genetic. Culture, like religion, is not.
Before everyone starts wondering, I should mention that “Sharell’s Celebrity Doppleganger” is….. NRI reincarnated.
Sharrell! You outed me!
Bad girl!
I take back my modeling comment, you’re fat. LOL
“…India is a country where ethnic divisons are very precise…”
But in India, the concept of ethnicity is much different and has been ‘institutionalized by caste-system’ which is not found in most other cultures, except some countries like ‘Japan’ who had somewhat similar, but less institutionalized caste-system. caste-divisions are often more precise or strong than ethnic divisions in India. For instance, as a Gujju brahmin, my brother would have least problems in marrying a ‘Bengali brahmin girl’ than marrying a Gujarati girl from a ‘tribal or backward class’.
“…as cross cultural marriages have been rather uncommon…”
Inter-caste marriages have been far more uncommon, especially when it involves one higher caste and one other too lower.
“…Gujaratis generally have this problem with understanding societies…”
Gujjus have many other problems as well, like understanding the fact that alcohol consumption can be a lot of fun!!! Besides, societies in India are far more complex to understand for any one, be it Bengali or English!!!
What is the difference in ethnicity between a Guji and a Bengali?
It seems to me you people are confusing “regionalism” or “state citizenship” with ethnicity.
As I said, everything is confused in India, not just religion or ethnicity. This is because everything in India is related, yet separated if you know what I mean!!!
Biharis and Bengalis are of separate ethnicities. They have seperate cultures, history, territories, languages and physical appearances. Genetics is race, not ethnicity. For example, the English are of the same genetic stock as the Germans, but are of different ethnicities. Confusing race for ethnicity is a common mistake that Americans make.
The concept of “regionalism” in India is a politically correct term for what is actually “nationalism”. There is no ’state citizenship’ in India by the way.
Ethnicity has to do with genes and DNA. Where is the science that proves Biharis and Bengalis are ethnically different?
(race is a controversial social construct so I’m not gonna “go there” by using the term)
Again, any (hard) science to back up the claim that Biharis and Bengalies are “ethnically different”?
“…Where is the science that proves Biharis and Bengalis are ethnically different?…”
Observation, often gives you a good idea. For example, Gujaratis, Marvaris, Jains, Rajasthanis are likely from the same ‘racial stock’, but may be considered different ethnicities based on other characteristics. On the other hand, Bengalis may have much more ‘Mongoloid blood’ compared to their Gujju-Rajasthani counterparts. I agree, race is more social characteristic, not too biological.
Nice Try Amit, but no cigar (or beedi, LOL)
Do Biharis and Bengalis have significantly differenty hair color, hair texture, eye color or skin color? What are the differering GENETIC markers between Bengalis and Biharis?
“…Do Biharis and Bengalis have significantly differenty hair color, hair texture, eye color or skin color?…”
You don’t have too much difference in hair color in India because India is not west or Europe. And yes, hair texture and quality of Indians does differ from province to province. If you analyze closely enough, you can certainly differentiate Biharis from Bengalis. The only difference is that your differentiation will be blurry because of caste-system which is a distinct subject to study. It’s the ‘blurry’ Indian caste-system which was at the root of the ‘world war-2′.
“…but no cigar (or beedi, LOL)…”
Did you mean ‘Indian men’ and ‘cigar’ or just ‘Biharis’ and ‘cigar’?
I suggest (once again) that you read up on the definition of ethnicity. It is defined by the culture, language, appearance, heritage and identity of a person, not genes or DNA. Genes and DNA come under race.
The study of ethnicity comes under cultural anthropology, which is a study of humanities, not science. Can you find a hard scientific evidence that Milton and Pushkin have different writing style?
Race is very real concept, one of the most visible characteristics of a person (like height or gender). Get real. Pretending that race is a social construct is like saying that the concept of ‘males’ and ‘females’ is a social construct. Look at it this way – if race was a social construct, your boyfriend wouldn’t have faced any discrimination in India.
I don’t even need to analyse closely. I can spot within seconds, the difference between a Bihari and a Bengali (give or take a few ‘misses’). And I have been in India less than 4 years.
Abdullah, “…Pretending that race is a social construct is like saying that the concept of ‘males’ and ‘females’ is a social construct…”
Race is social construct only to the extent of race-mixing or cultural-mixing which was prevalent everywhere since ages!! However, for the most part, race is a distinct phenomena which influences the society and its people – their looks, behavior and intellect!! The Africans never invented zero or concept of ’shunyata’ , and the Indians never invented satellites , due to their racial advantages (and disadvantages)!! This is the reason I criticize the ‘dumbest’ idea of ‘multiculturalism’ which is surely gonna create a unique ‘caste system’ or an internal conflict within the West!! However, I do like the confidence of the ‘whites’ – the same old ‘whites’ who think that they know everything because they are the Gods!!
“And I have been in India less than 4 years.”
Where were you before that and why did you move to India?
Thats a personal question, and pretty irrelevant at that.
It’s not that personal. Everyone else here talks about the different places they’ve lived and where they live now, and even about why they moved.
I lived in Russia before I moved to India. There are many motivations for moving to India, most of them not something I could talk about in an online fora.
@ Abdullah, “…There are many motivations for moving to India,…”
It’s very interesting for me to know that some people still have ‘many motivations’ to move to India! For me, I had many motivations to move out of India!!!
Hi,
Came through your blog and this one is an interesting story.
Well, anyone at your place might feel same as you did.
I am Indian, and i wouldn’t be able to tolerate it too, i feel that whole sister thing annoying. But then you cannot help it !
But i think that was typical of a guy who has never lived outside his home and doesn’t have much exposure to the outside world.
But i won’t say that is typical Indian behavior, may be he depended to much on you which he shouldn’t.
Now as you live in India, you might would have seen a lot many variety of people, both in behavior and mindset, that’s India full of diversity
lol
Abdullah, what’s the scene in Goa these days? I hear it’s being overrun with Russian Mafia drug lords and the crime rate is terrible.
(yes, I posted this same question in another thread by mistake)
If I really were a mafia drug lord, I’d have simply cooked up a story and fed your question, instead of avoiding it. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t have been here either.
In the Goa drug scene, it is the Israeli and Goan mafia that is the most active, rather than the Russians. A lot of Israelis speak Russian languages and hence, get mistaken for being Russians. Also, very few Indians can actually distinguish Yiddish or Hebrew from Russian.
“…very few Indians can actually distinguish Yiddish or Hebrew from Russian…”
Of course, if they know at least one!!!
Wonderful blog, first thing I must say. Well written and genuine.
Secondly, this is what I’d like to say: — If the guy would have been North Indian, then definitely you would have had a wonderful experience. The South and West Indians are so intrinsically linked to their culture and India, that they forget everything else; in this case the guy forgot you. I am a North Indian, and I am sure that the first Thing what an educated, urbanized, and Americanized Indian would have said to you would be this: “Sharrell, I don’t wanna make a sh*t out of your comforts; please bear with me, and correct me whenever I am wrong”. The urban Indians are usually “homeostatic”, i.e. they know well how to adjust. It just pisses me off to see (as from your writing), that the guy, like a typical Indian didn’t know how to speak proper English. The few Indian guys, whom I am talking about Americanize themselves to such an extent that you would not even able to distinguish themselves from the Westerns. He would speak in an American Accent, wear a black shirt and a tie, and be well groomed and mannered. And many Indian guys just take time to be like that, as you opinted out in the epilogue. This isn’t the case with the Internet-Exposed Indians.
For the guy which you talked about, I’d say that he was just behaving in the Indian fashion. Harmless. Yet irritating and petulant. Obviously, not taking an advantage out of you.
One thing more which you would noticed, that he was calling you “Sister” all the time. In India, we don’t call anybody by their first names. They consider it offensive to call your boss John Adams as “Mr John”. They prefer calling it “Mr Adams”. Thats just one thing. Same for the rest.
And it was quite tolerant and patient on your part that you even tolerated him for a few days. Other foreigners wouldn’t have done that even for a single second.
Thanks !
@@@ Indian Guy, “…If the guy would have been North Indian, then definitely you would have had a wonderful experience…”
True, true all the way. I am always used to hearing some north Indian women saying, “aw, we always have so ‘wonderful’ experience with our ‘wander-full’ north Indian men, especially when we are out at night alone and wondering if these ‘wander-full’ north Indian men would ever become ‘wonderful’…” !!!!
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