A week ago, I did something that I didn’t really want to do. I gave in and got a maid. Having home help was something that I’d been considering for a while. However, I previously couldn’t justify it living in a small one bedroom flat. I was also concerned about the intrusion on my privacy.
In my new living environment, I felt a much more pervasive pressure to get home help. Three levels of home to keep clean. A more active social life. And neighbours who have staff.
When my neighbour negotiated with his maid to come and clean my floors for 500 rupees a month, I said okay. She’s been working in his house for around six years, and apparently is trustworthy.
Anyone who’s Indian will likely find getting a maid no big deal. Many people have home help in India. However, it’s rare in the west. Only the rich can afford to employ a cleaner, a cook, or a driver. As a result, I’m not sure how to manage my maid.
I’ve discovered that the maid’s presence in the house is quite enjoyable. However, she’s already started talking to me about upsetting things. Money. Her husband who can’t work. Her tiredness and fever. She only speaks to me in Hindi, so I don’t always understand the detail of what she says. And indeed sometimes, I pretend that I don’t understand what she says.
I’m already feeling guilty. Guilty that her life is so difficult. Guilty that she works so hard and earns so little. Guilty that she has few pleasures, while I have so many. I could take a spiritual view, and think “this is exactly how it has to be in the world”. However, I want to tell my maid to go home and rest instead of cleaning my house. “You can’t do that though”, I’m warned. “She’ll start taking advantage of you”.
So, I offer her chocolate, juice, and water. She’s so friendly and hugs me. I wonder what sort of behaviour I could be encouraging from her though. Will she start asking me for money? Or favours? Or not turn up to work? I’m aware that I need to set boundaries with her, but I don’t want to be like many people that I’ve seen ungratefully barking orders at their staff.
Any suggestions?
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I wasn’t talking about Indians divorcing. I was talking about Americans getting divorced for every little reasons. Guess who suffers when that happens? Their children.
We were discussing Indian maids and the often unfortunate situation they face with drunk husbands. You then wrote:
“NRI, if all Indian women were to become or think like you, there would be a lot of divorces in India”…..
and then;
“I wasn’t talking about Indians divorcing. I was talking about Americans getting divorced for every little reasons.”
So first you say “a lot of divorces in India”, and then you say, “I wasn’t talking about Indians divorcing”
?!?!?
Indian American:” Drinking alcohol would bring down the spirits of a person who is already frustrated. Getting hooked on drugs would lead to drug addiction, and isn’t that negative? ”
This is what made me understand the very ideas behind religions- least freedom, more devotion, virginity-self-control, least involvement in any abusive behavior etc. But then, we have a relatively close societies.
There is something very import about our lives we can’t comprehend. The conflicts are inevitable in every form.
“So first you say “a lot of divorces in India”, and then you say, “I wasn’t talking about Indians divorcing””
NRI, dont you compare two different cultures when you talk about things? Just like that I compared it. So whats with the confusion?
Amit Desai, true people who follow their principles refuse to abuse themselves or others in any manner possible. Whatever that is, sex, alcohol or drugs. I’ve seen people make fun of those types. People who make fun of people who follow their own principles are the people who are of weak mind and character.
What you say is quite reasonable and makes sense. But when you look at the ground reality, these ideals do not quite work out. The situation would end up like the lower economic strata in Russia.
It doesn’t quite work that way. Playing sports raises fitness level, which then gives a libido boost. The fitter you are, the higher your sex drive is. The only way to curb libido would be by distraction – religion, work, study, etc. In any case, distraction works only so long, you can’t fight nature.
It actually works. Anything that reduces fitness, decreases libido. Starvation is another alternative, used by some young Arabs.
Those naked swamis that you see in the Himalayas fought with nature to become what they are. Just cause somebody is naked doesnt mean that person is sexually out of control. Everything is up in the mind. Mind over matter.
They left everything behind, family, friends, relationships, women, etc and chose to live that life of penance which they found satisfactory. They dont eat as much as we do. We complain if we cant get to eat 3 meals a day but its still possible to become like them. Then it depends on people’s choices. They chose to be whatever they want to be.
They don’t fight nature. They simply follow its laws. These swamis starve themselves and put themselves in harsh environmental conditions, that causes their body to go on a ’survival mode’.
By the way, sex is not self abuse. It is a healthy biological instinct and hence, can’t be classified with drugs and alcohol.
Some of those naked Swamis may be living a sadhu like life, but some of them are also just lazy, don’t want to take responsibility, and like to spend their days getting really high on ganja and spacing out. Some of them may be celibate but some of them are having sex as well. One of my trekking mates had sex with one, in fact.
And oh yeah, they like to hang out with Israeli tourist hippies and ravers too. You know the ones who on Manali to Goa circuit. The main thing the two groups have in common is their love for drugs.
To each their own. But I’m not going to automatically respect some dude just because he roams about nude with dreads and claims to be a “sadhu”.
Leave alone respect, I will be concerned if these people are all right in the head. A lot of people endanger their personal safety because of the blind trust they place on religious oddballs.
“Some of those naked Swamis may be living a sadhu like life, but some of them are also just lazy, don’t want to take responsibility, and like to spend their days getting really high on ganja and spacing out. Some of them may be celibate but some of them are having sex as well. One of my trekking mates had sex with one, in fact.”
So the blame goes both on them as well as your trekking mate. Both are hypocrites. Your friend who was desperate for sex went to a fake sadhu who was tempted by your friends as well as his desperation. Those that are lazy will always be lazy, fake sadhu or not.
You dont have to respect some dude cause he looks like a sadhu. I never said all sadhus are perfect. I am talking about the ones who keep their practices. There are enough fake sadhus out there.
NRI, I am going to ask you a question. Were you tempted to have sex with anybody in India? Or did you have sex with a stranger there?
Abdullah, “By the way, sex is not self abuse. It is a healthy biological instinct.”
“healthy biological instinct” , you mean animal/mammal instincts like other sub-human/animal instincts such as hunger, survival, conquest-control. Biology doesn’t tell you “this is healthy(good)” and “that’s bad”. It gives you some facts, and a chance to derive conclusion by using the moral sense (good-bad, use-abuse, health-unhealthy). As we define it in computer science, that data is not information. one data can give you millions (may be infinite number) of different ways to interpret that data. which way is the healthy one?? And we don’t absolutely know that. We just make decision by using our common sense. What’s common sense then?
All we see here on screen are merely two numbers 0 and 1. But computer has billions of ways to interpret this 0 and 1 as distinct alphabets, numbers, languages and and give us different “illusion” (as if we are the biggest f-holes in the world). We are biggest f-holes in the world so far. Believe it or not. This is why computer is mystery for most f-holes (this includes computer scientists as well).
“All we see here on screen are merely two numbers 0 and 1. But computer has billions of ways to interpret this 0 and 1 as distinct alphabets, numbers, languages and and give us different “illusion” (as if we are the biggest f-holes in the world). We are biggest f-holes in the world so far. Believe it or not. This is why computer is mystery for most f-holes (this includes computer scientists as well).”
Computer has a fake mind free of hurt. Humans on the other hand have a mind that can get hurt.
@ Indian American: ” Computer has a fake mind free of hurt. Humans on the other hand have a mind that can get hurt.”
I would accept you reasoning as I can assume that you are not a computer savvy. First, sorry to disagree, but computers don’t have mind at all (not real, not fake). True that the idea of automation can be considered spiritual or so called Godly in order to understand it. Yet in simple words, we have discovered certain tendencies in real world that is much more like “programming”. Once we reach a certain level of programming, the machine or world can become automated and can give you an illusion of “brain” and “even feeling” or anything for that matter. Our world or universe is also an example of automation or programming and driven by a programming that we can, sometimes, comprehend (but not always). So the universe is not operated by Gods or nature, but an “automation-like tendency”. A large web of programs that are connected to each other in a weird way and automates everything in universe we see and feel. It is logically possible to automate many things in future, including… any thing…you can think of.
@ NRI, It’s Evolution, baby…
Sex is a biological instinct because it exists as a biological drive. It is healthy because there are many health benefits of having sex. The science of health is well within the realm of biology. So yes, biology DOES tell us what is healthy and what is not.
Taking a morally regressive attitude towards sex and sexuality is NOT common sense. It is folly.
“Taking a morally regressive attitude towards sex and sexuality is NOT common sense. It is folly.”
Taking an immoral attitude towards sex isn’t healthy either.
Abdullah K: “Sex is a biological instinct because it exists as a biological drive. It is healthy because there are many health benefits of having sex. The science of health is well within the realm of biology. So yes, biology DOES tell us what is healthy and what is not.”
I am not trying to say, sex is not healthy or anything like that. My point is about the changing nature of world and our beliefs (that includes scientific beliefs as well). What’s true today was not true yesterday. Similarly what’s true today may not be true tomorrow. Don’t you think so?
“I am not trying to say, sex is not healthy or anything like that. My point is about the changing nature of world and our beliefs (that includes scientific beliefs as well). What’s true today was not true yesterday. Similarly what’s true today may not be true tomorrow. Don’t you think so?”
If yesterdays reality is different from todays reality, who in the world would know what tomorrows reality is?
Indian American: ” If yesterdays reality is different from todays reality, who in the world would know what tomorrows reality is? ”
Reality is not necessarily different of today’s or yesterday’s world. But as I mentioned that it’s possible that our interpretation of reality(or anything for that matter) may be different every time or may even change as we evolve. What makes us think that our perception are always true. What makes us think that we know our earth when the fact is that we have only explored a fraction of ocean life (life in ocean may disclose many new things in biology as we explore).
Amit Desai, if we knew mother earth, we wouldn’t be destroying her as well as the living things that depend on her at a faster rate.
Indian American: “So the blame goes both on them as well as your trekking mate. Both are hypocrites. Your friend who was desperate for sex went to a fake sadhu who was tempted by your friends as well as his desperation.”
How was the trekker who had sex with the ganja smoking “sadhu” a “hypocrite”?
That trekker made no pretension of spirituality or celibacy or “sadhu-hood”. Those trekkers were in India for tourism, trekking, fun, ganja and a good time. That trekker did not come to India to “seek enlightenment” at the holy feet of some “guru”. Some dude (the sadhu) showed sexual interest in him or her, and he or she reciprocated. Where’s the “hyprocrisy” in that?
(not telling if the trekker was male or female. let’s just say, some sadhus swing both ways;)
“Those trekkers were in India for tourism, trekking, fun, ganja and a good time. ”
Right and when these people get abused, or raped there by strangers, they come back to their respective countries and cry about it. They went there to have fun but their fun gets out of control and they end up in trouble.
Honestly, I would feel very bad for the person who was there to experience India end up getting abused or killed. But I would never feel bad for those that go there to abuse themselves with drugs, or sleep with strangers and hypocrites.
Don’t worry about it Indian American. Both the trekker and the “sadhu” were grown adults who chose to sleep with each other. Neither were “abused”. Both were quite happy actually. Sometimes it happens that you meet someone while travelling that you want to have a short-term relationship with. No biggie.
The point is, “sadhus” are not saints.
“The point is, “sadhus” are not saints.”
Nobody said sadhus are all saints. Just like there are hypocrites among non-sadhus, there are hypocrites among sadhus too.
Yes, some boundaries are needed, but I also think that when someone new enters your daily life, it’s hard to open your heart to them, and much easier to coexist and try not to engage with them. However, if you open your heart to her and develop a friendship and affection for her, ultimately it’ll be more fun to have her around!
Morality has nothing to do with health.
My thoughts exactly. How would the trekker be a hypocrite?
There is nothing wrong or immoral about sex. I thought we were living in the 21st century. We desperately need to shun such stupid notions about sex, which we call “morality”.
As for maids, I find the “taking advantage” argument utterly ridiculous. If you treat your maid with some amount of civility and with the respect she deserves as a human being, she’ll bear goodwill towards you. I can say this for our house, we have two maids.
My mom is especially generous, and she feeds them breakfast/lunch and buys gifts for them during festivals. She even asked me to give away my old laptop to her because she needed it for her studies. (She’s graduating in commerce, partly funded by my mom.).
However, there have never been any complaints about being taken advantage of. She even agreed to a salary cut as repayment for the money she owes to my mother. Most problems with maids are due to my grandmother, who ob is a bit brusque and often rude with them which is understandable given she comes from a much more rural culture, where servants are taken for granted. Yet they tolerate her shouting matches, and that I think is purely out of respect for my parents.
I really cringe at the way many of friends’ families treat their maids. It’s appalling. We in the cities claim to be forward, “progressive” and all that bullshit but in reality we’re still continuing the “discrimination” we all claim to be free of. Whether it’s making them sit on the floor or whatever. It’s hypocrisy and I really dislike it.
(The upper-middle-class types are really a disgusting lot. They are all over the place here. It must be a lot worse in Hiranandani)
Having said that, you shouldn’t discuss personal matters with them. And if she does ask for money or favours you’re not capable of(or not interested in) fulfilling, just refuse politely. If she doesn’t turn up for work regularly, just a stern(but civil) threat to fire her usually works.
I know all this probably sounds very naive and I’m really not fit to advise , but I don’t see why it should be any other way. They’re humans too after all, and all that is expected is a modicum of respect. I don’t see anything wrong in offering them food.
Hey,
This is so nice of you…Yes you’ll need to set some boundaries with your maid, but don’t cease to be a human…A very common thing – we feel its our right to take a day off when we are not well but if our maid takes a day off (without giving prior notice), we’ll treat her as if she did the worst possible thing…
I know what you did would definately “encourage” your maid to ask to ask for more favours, but i think its your call. I would allow a poor person to take little “advantage” (but i always have a boundry) and feel happy about bringing some joy in his/her life. Let me tell you a perticular incident – we hired a maid some time back. After first couple of days she sent one of her boy to work. Now this guy is pretty young and goes to school. So he used to get up really early in the morning, work in couple of houses, attend school, come back, again work in couple of houses and sit down to study later in the day. Damm hard i’ll say (This is what he told me), if i worked that hard in my childhood i would have owned a company by now!! I and my wife didn’t like this and asked our maid to stop sending her boy and instead come herself. Later i realized, i was not doing any good, the boy now started going to a new house (after he got a dressing from her mother). So i told her mother that he really worked well, and could send him. Now i give him a cup of tea and something eat every morning (You see its very easy to take a high moral ground and do nothing). So coming back to your question – after i allowed the boy, the mother has started taking more favors (The boy would not come once in a while), would ask me for change (5, 10 rs) at times to buy pencils etc…nothing i would consider worth compalaining…So coming back to your question – yes being considerate could invite some more favours but you could always draw a line and above all nothing should stop you from being human. And yes the binus part is the satisfaction you get when you see them smiling…
Thanks so much for all the feedback and comments. To give an update, my generosity has indeed encouraged the maid to ask for favours and take liberties. So, I’ve had to draw boundaries pretty quickly! She asked me for 100 rupees for medicine (which I gave) then the next week 500 rupees (as a loan, which I refused to give her. She also asked that I didn’t tell my neighbour that she’d asked me — she otherwise works solely at his house, and is provided for well by that family). She’s also not turned up to work on a number of occasions. I spoke to my neighbour about it this morning in front of the maid, and he reprimanded her on my behalf. At least if she’s not going to turn up, she should let me know since she’s working only a couple of houses away from me for most of the day. So, the experience has forced me to be less lenient — but I don’t regret my generosity. I’m just now very aware of the need for those boundaries!
hmmm….as the saying goes – “life is the greatest teacher”
And yes i forgot to mention it – I guess you being a foreigner would also encourage her. If nothing else, foreigners are perceived to be less tolerant towards human suffering…
Akshay, “As for maids, I find the “taking advantage” argument utterly ridiculous.”
I find your sentence rather ridiculous. Some maids do take advantage of the generosity of their homeowners. (I agree with your other arguments).
What Amit said. Moreover, being thought of as a ‘weak lamb’ is a very dangerous impression to have if you keep a maid or a manservant.
well my mom has employed 2 maids , who are quite close to us although i do find their presence annoying.
ive tried convincing my mom that she could do it on her own and i could lend a helping hand whenever i could but since she suffered from tumour 5 years back she cant do strenuous physical work like lifting heavy bags
maids can be nosey and intruding. whenever my family is out of town the maid cooks food which i obviously dont eat . i eat outside or cook on my own , even though what i cook can be terrible i enjoy it as its been prepared by me , i have very little spare time but i have told my mum that whenever i find it she’ll teach me how to cook , as i like cooking and cuisine and all that stuff plus she thinks that it’ll be useful when i go abroad
btw my mom has helped the maid alot by solving her cataract,invest money in svaings bank a/c etc , you have to be very tolerant and be generous too to get the maid of your choice thats what i feel
Hi,
I know what you wanna say but see sometimes I take it as her work and she gets paid..If you compare it to other expenses may be thats what its worth for..plus if you dont give her even that work what is she going to do and support her family?? YOu do meet good and bad ppl so make sure how much close you wanna bring her…
I miss maid in US and its really really expensive to get one..This is one big reason that we would come back to India…hee hee..i know how it sounds but still…
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