A reader recently wrote to me saying that while she enjoyed my blog and found it factual, she felt that my perspective of India is predominantly shaped on my experiences with a few similar kinds of people and their practices. Practices that are only part of Indian culture. She suggested that I explore the other part as well. For example, people living in Pali Hill in Mumbai (meaning India’s elite).
Of course, she’s right. A friend stayed with a family in Pali Hill on a recent visit to Mumbai, and he wrote of a whole different world compared to the one most people in India get to see and experience.
I have experienced it too, albeit in a different city. My first experience living in India was amongst the elite of Kolkata. They partied hard. My husband was a DJ at a luxury hotel. It was only natural that our paths would cross. They dressed western and acted western. They discouraged me from learning Hindi because they spoke perfect English. Women mingled with men, dated them, and drank alcohol. They were immaculately groomed. They also wore dresses shorter than I ever have in my life. Most of India’s taboos were absent. Yet, even I was shocked by the opulence of their lifestyle. All the trappings of western materialism and indulgence were there. High quality cocaine was in abundant supply. Every different body part was emblazoned with a different designer label. With plenty of resources at their disposal, they went out of their way to ensure that I was safe, content, and didn’t need anything. They also gave me a false sense of security about the normality of my relationship.
My husband and I weren’t married at the time, but the fact that we were seeing each other was openly known and accepted. There were no judgements and no questions. We were both treated equally. It felt like what it would be if I was dating someone back home.
Understandably, after living in such a bubble, I got a nasty shock when we left Kolkata on an Indian Railways train bound for Kerala. There was curiosity. And questions. Plenty of them. And lies from my husband. “She’s a family friend. I’m escorting her around India.” I was stunned because his family didn’t even know of my existence. Being ignorant about Indian culture, I wondered why he didn’t tell them the truth that I was his girlfriend. I even felt insulted by his answers. Yet, now I understand the situation all too well. And I would’ve answered the questions the same way had I been in his place.
I’ve also been entertained by the Maharana of Udaipur in his palace at a table scattered with rose petals, stayed in some magnificent homes across India during my work with Mahindra Homestays, and met a Bollywood actress who didn’t know how to use a washing machine and refused to learn.
But what did I find that all these people had in common, apart from their stately homes? They possessed a grace, poise, and sophistication that I’ll never have. Their life experience was so much broader than mine. They were well traveled, knowledgeable, and diverse in their interests. And oh gosh, they appreciated fine wine! I listened intently to what they had to say, in order to learn from them. I looked up to them, and admired many of them. And I also felt cushioned against “the rest of India” in their company.
India is definitely not all about staring men, and demanding, nosy neighbours. But for me, the most fascinating part of India is that which is so unfamiliar to me. Not the wealth and western mannerisms. The part that makes me feel uncomfortable and challenges me. I don’t always like it or agree with it, but it gives me something to think and write about.
Photo: Me, taken at Meenachil Enclave homestay in Kerala.
© 2011, Diary of a White Indian Housewife. All rights reserved. Do not copy and reproduce text or images without permission.
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{ 60 comments… read them below or add one }
“But what did I find that all these people had in common, apart from their stately homes? ”
How sad to hear that some of those people are on drugs and cocaine….
Instead of living those “bubble” lives, then can help fellow indians who are struggling…
I Totally Agree
Honestly, the extent of the cocaine consumption shocked me, and I’m not someone who’s lived a sheltered life. For some, it was a daily habit. In a way, the struggling Indians are better off than the rich with their addictions, insecurities, and need to “show off”.
“How sad to hear that some of those people are on drugs and cocaine….
Instead of living those “bubble” lives, then can help fellow indians who are struggling…”
Makes little sense. They need help themselves, how do you expect them to help someone else or even think that way?
Hi, Sharell,
When sharing the life of the India’s Elite, you are indeed in another world, in fact on a satellite ( an exo planet ) of ” Planet India ”
Everything is in abundance and life is just about spending money, talking and messaging friends on your Blackberry, going to a succession of parties and amusement of all sort, going on a shopping spree to Dubbai, Singapore, Hong Kong, London, Paris, Milan … and get the latest fashion designer’s items, adorning yourself with the most expensive and flashy jewels. Go and buy Vogue India or Hello Magazine and you’ll have an idea of what I’m talking about ! The purpose of life of these people is showing off … They are trapped in an illusion (maya ) keeping them totally disconnected from their own soul. However, among these rich and beautiful people, there are some rare but genuine ones who, having been blessed with wealth and high births, DO SHARE their money and skills as well as invest themselves secretely in not publicized good works to help their follow indian citizens. I know personnaly a few of them.
your description of the rich in india will also fit the rich in anywhere else in the world. same story over and over again. one thing that history teaches us that no one ever learns anything from it
This is what the rich and famous do and basically their sole reason to be alive on this planet. But then everywhere its the same
Yes Annie, the “new rich” are particularly like you describe. It’s the “old rich” who tend to be less distasteful with their wealth. It sounds like you’ve definitely been blessed with the company you keep in India.
@Annie
Why do you think it is “showing off”. It is normal for Indians to always treat rich as enemies. No offense meant, but it is his money , why do you expect every indiviual who breaks the barriers and nosy ambience and every obstacle and comes up in life to share the wealth. He has spent his sweat and blood and he has all rights to spend the money he earnt. That is the point.
If every1 is expected to work hard and then share the fruit to the less priviledged what exactly is the moral of the story? This is one other reason no one wants to work hard and earn lot. The vultures torture him and never allow him to exceed but after he had managed , they expect him to feed them including the family,neighbours etc.,:(
What is wrong in spending? You never get rich by saving money , unless people spend how do you expect the economy to boost? What happens to be small business owners f no body buys anything.
This is 1 major issue in India, if people invent canopeners, consumers should be ready to buy, that is why they are more inventions in other countries and little to no inventions in India.
I think we should refrain from judging people for their lifestyle. I am not against charity or helping the poor but give the rich freedom to enjoy the fruit of their labor. I prefer poor to work hard rather blaming the rich and expecting the government and rich to feed them when they absolutely bring no contribution to the society from their side
It was an Indian man who once disdainfuly told me “Morals are for the middle classes”.
For some reason, that made me giggle. I can just imagine it.
Didn’t the Brits coin the term “Middle Class Morality”?
In almost all societies, it is observed that its usually the middle class that upholds morality. The very poor just can’t afford it, and the very rich simply don’t care.
That’s a country that is usually healthy has a good chunk of middle class. Many in the US laments about the loss of middle class in recent economic times that erodes the moral fiber of a society.
Nothing unusual in that… I would think.
Lots of truths in this one. The ‘family friend’ lie, yeah, so common, but you’re the first I’ve ever seen admit that if you had that time again, knowing what you know now, you’d go along with it.
Also, I totally agree about a lot of elite Indians being extremely impressive socially – in their diverse interests, their treatment of others, their ability to converse – and I look up to and learn from them in the some way. There are flip sides to every coin, of course, but what I find with wealthier Indians is that the ‘us and them’ mentality is less prevalent, and they are more likely to approach you as an individual than someone from middle-to-lower strata of society. Like most things in India, however, it’s impossible to write about in absolute terms.
And hey, thanks for linking to my piece about my walks through Pali Hill (which also demonstrate the endless dichotomies of India)! Your support is so appreciated.
I’ve developed a state of fear and anxiety about the “Indian interrogation” and the judgement that comes with it. Sometimes, it’s easier just to lie (my how my standards have dropped). Why tell them the truth when it will just result in more questions and even disapproval…. especially when you’re stuck on the train with them for two days!!
I’d rather tell them something acceptable and get rid of them as soon as possible. If they don’t have the right mentality to handle the truth, then I’m not going to give it to them. 
When I mention to people about being married to an Indian these days, the upper and lower class ones usually just laugh in amused delight. I was on a course with upper class Indians today, and they weren’t even interested in whether my husband was a doctor or an engineer, or not! Only one person asked what he did, and none asked what his last name was… it was a pleasant change. They were creative types themselves though. A tarot reader, an artist, an aromatherapist, and foot spa owner!
Nice. I totally know what you mean, and should clarify that I was impressed to see you make that admission – i.e. that you’d understood the situation over time and made a concession to the culture you’re now part of.
That I admitted I’ve turned into a liar!!
No you arent not.
When people cant handle the truth, give them what they want to hear.
It is easy for you to lead a honest and respectable life in western countries rather than in India. You need to respect honesty.
In India, everyone prefers you to lie that you are sick rather than giving a valid reason for your leave. It starts rite from your schooldays.
When you admit that something is wrong, they dont appreciate that instead it gives them leverage to pin tht single incident for every blooper of yours as well as theirs and hold your responsible so even the honest ones are forced to follow the herd without choice for survival.
Sometimes lying is okay, as long as they are white lies..People do this, in all countries/cultures..just that it is done differently, in a different place…I’m not supporting people to lie, but sometimes it is too hard for some folks, to deal with things, in a conservative setup. In Sharell’s case, his bf said so, because sex/virginity is still a big deal in India (before marriage)…and when a couple (who are not married) are traveling/living together, people imagine/assume all kinda things..So, if it is like this for an Indian couple, just imagine how that’s gonna be for someone who’s with a white person (or any other one, from liberal culture)…Nosiness is related to culture, education and is directly proportional to the density of population. So, India being a tightly packed society with heavy conservative shit, can be hard for all kinda folks (although conservatism is good, in some aspects).
Italian Proverb: I never lie, no never! But the truth is not for everyone.
A good movie about lying in our daily lives.
The Invention of Lying(2009) PG-13
In a world where no one fibs, fiction doesn’t exist and people take each other at their literal word, unsuccessful screenwriter Mark (Ricky Gervais) gains fame and fortune — and maybe the girl of his dreams (Jennifer Garner) — by saying things that aren’t true. Gervais co-writes and co-directs this original comedy that co-stars Rob Lowe. Look for cameos by Tina Fey, Jonah Hill, Louis C.K. and Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Well, we all know when we are acting out of integrity or not.. so what others think is secondary to how we feel inside.. if it feels right at that moment–roll with it!
Oh dear. No, sorry, it is TACKY to mix up labels like that! It’s like wearing an Adidas hoodie with Nike trainers.
[rapturous applause] Elites are lovely and all, but there’s not much there that you cannot find amongst elites in any country. The essence of any country is in it’s “commoners”.
My husband (who is Indian) has always said to me, “always say yes, and do the opposite, or do what you want.” So in essence lie, or agree just so avoid further interrogation.
At first, I was quite annoyed by this, and wanted to put in my 2 cents. Now I realize how right he is, and how my life has gotten so much easier in India (especially with in-laws and family) by doing so.
Oh, and I have had the opportunity to meet and hang out with some rich Indian folks here in Hyderabad, and it was an eye opener just HOW rich some of these people are. It’s a side you don’t see a lot, unless you look for it.
It’s definitely a case of “if you can’t beat em, join em!”. Or some people call it a necessary survival tactic in India.
@Shelley
You are pretty rite. Non-indian workers find it challenging to work with Indian workers because of this.
Non-indians : If they can do it, they say they can do it and give timeframe and give assertive answers and easily get labelled as being “lazy”, “rude”, “pompous”, “arrogant”. And keep you updated about progress and no followup or micromanaging is needed. And during work hours they work , not just when boss is around or latenites followed up latenite attendance mail and dont give up personal life unless it is truly essential.
Indians: They know they cant do it but still say yes and give timeframe which cant be met and get labelled as “respectful”, “hardworking”,”flexible”,”talented”.
And once they are out of the meeting they forget about the promise and spend work hours in gossipying,[most of the times they wnt even be their in their seats] and pretend to work in latenites , weekends and stuff.
They never meet the deadline and the finishing product is never complete and always the product is of compromised in quality and you need to micromanage them.
Indians craze for foreign items is another reason, the simple reason being “finish”. It is frustating to handle both of these kind.
I was given choice to pick from “rude” and “liar”. So, sometimes when people ask me something for which the answer isnt acceptable to them or if it is prone to judgement , I reply “Why do you want to know?” “Shouldnt be of your concern” – so I picked rude
I can walk in your shoes, you may feel that you had to loose your identity and you are forced to do something which you dont like, but you are not to be blamed.
You seem to know yourself pretty good! Now, we all know what kind of person you are ….you being an Indian an all.
But you can change for the better you know,., if you really try.
Many Indians have improved themselves.So give it a shot.
“A tarot reader,…, an aromatherapist, and foot spa owner!”
Gee, Sharrell, you call these people creative? As an artist (not a very creative one mind you, i am offended to be classed in the same group as the above, all of which i’d called charletans at worst, misguided at best.
Coolblogger you poor sad person. Most rich people do not work hard for their money. The people in sharrell’s blog are probably mostly the offspring of the rich. In india, what enables people to get rich in so many cases is position and deceit and standover tactics is it not? Of course some people work hard to get where they are. Most poorer people work hard or harder.
Anyway sharell an interesting post, now can we go back to what is much more interesting, the ordinary indian. And I hope the person who told you off about who you blog about, will be satisfied.
@Andrea
I dunno what you inferred from my comment.
Becoming rich isnt exactly translation of hours of work or quantity of sweat. it is also being creative and thinking out of the box. And if their kids are throwing off their money what is your problem, how does it affect you?
It is very common of lazy and poor people to always expect help from government and rich. How much ever you pay them give them they are never satisfied. They always blame everyone for their status and never want to come out of it, instead want to sit in same place and get all the help.
If you had acquaintance with them you would learn that they want rich to share their wealth with them and always feel that rich dont deserve what they have and it is their right to share that.
No, inspire them to think out of box, work hard, be creative and make all attempts. We have so many rag to riches stories. Stop asking the rich to share the wealth to poor only because they are poor.
So, you are jealous of the rich? hmmm..Whatz ur plan, the rich should work hard and their kids arent to inherit the wealth and instead you want to inherit those without shedding single drop of sweat? Wow, pretty good ambition
A middleclass teacher working in a school works more hard and earns less than an uneducated street worker in India. The working people pay half of their earnings as tax to build roads and provide safe ambience instead those are given as free commodities to the lazy class of people.
Streetworkers get everything free clothes, shelter, allowance, food, and now even TV from government to be inspired
You can check my blog at below link to understand what I am talking about before calling names,
“Magic with my tax money”
http://meandmythinkingcap.blogspot.com/2010/12/magic-with-my-tax-money.html
Hi Andrea, I know you don’t believe in anything “new age” but I definitely do, so our opinions must differ!
Sharell,
You’re right. There is usually no point arguing. People have their views and prejudices and they stick to them no matter what you say. So you might just nod your head and move on.
The cocaine bit was something new but not surprising. My own experience with “high society” is fairly limited – I had some friends who came from wealthy families in college and marijuana was fairly common in that group apart from liquor. Even in upscale hospitals, I never really saw any cocaine induced heart arrythmias, heart attacks, strokes or seizures (or perhaps, doctors didn’t really bother to think of cocaine toxicity as a probable cause but that is unlikely because you would expect to see these problems in a younger age group). This was ten years ago; consumption has probably increased now with all the economic growth and ensuing affluence.
Great post. I like when you desmystify India, showing the others sides of it. After all we are the same humans beings all around the world. Seeking for love in its own ways.
Sharell, first of all…you look absolutly stunning in this photo and I totally love the swing your sitting on!!!!!!
I someday plan on visiting India to experience all that you write about. You are such a detailed writer and keep me interested in all your posts. I find your writing to be authentic and from the heart! CHEERS! Michele
She is so dressed up like a traditional South Indian woman. Silk Saree, Jasmin Flower and that Swing.
Is that some South Indian home Sharell?
Yes, see the caption at the bottom of the post. I was staying at a posh homestay in Kerala.
Doh! Oh yeah..
Thanks so much Michele.
When you do come to India, let me know and I’ll give you some tips about where to go.
Hi Sharrel -
I absolutely love receiving your posts! I think the India your reader wrote you have experienced alot of seems to me to be the middle class. I am a member of the Indian American diaspora who was raised by Indian immigrant parents with the values of 1950s and 1960s middle class India. I do know that with India’s economic rise that the social mores of the middle class has changed greatly.
You have not said anything about India’s elite that I did not all ready know. I think the elite of any society (in the West or East) are probably about the same since I believe human nature really doesnt change much.
What does annoy me, though, about India’s super rich and their offspring is that as sophisticated as they may seem, their money is “black money”.
It is a term my father often refers to about the wealth of India’s elite. I do not think it is something to be proud of. I am sure the wealthy elite everywhere try to evade taxes.
For as many flaws as America has, I think it’s wealthy elite has a few things India’s elite can learn from. America’s wealthy elite pay their taxes, and engage very heavily in civic duty and philanthrophy. I hate to say this, but the Ambanis and Tatas and Mittals of India cannot even compare to Melinda and Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and Warren Buffet as far as philanthrophy is concerned. I may not be fair in comparing India’s elite and America’s elite, but I feel these are noteworthy differences to be aware of.
Continue the great writing! Thanks for a job well done.
Hi Indian American from NJ, thanks for your thought provoking comments. This concept of black money is something I struggle to come to terms with in India.
” And lies from my husband. “She’s a family friend. I’m escorting her around India.” I was stunned because his family didn’t even know of my existence”
This took me a long time to accept and understand, and still it is hard to handle after 2 years ( long story). I am scared and worried for when my husband’s mother comes to visit in a few weeks she is going to get the surprise of a life time. 1. Were actually already married and 2. Were expecting a baby in AUG!
Wish us luck!
Wow, Sunshiner! That really will be a surprise!! I hope she doesn’t have a heart attack. Do let us know what happens!!
I am loving this blog! Just found it tonight. My husband is from Southern India and we had to lie that we weren’t living together in the U.S. when we actually had been for years before his parents came to the U.S. for our wedding. Actually they didn’t know I was in his life for three of the four years we lived together! I moved my clothes out of our closet into boxes left all over, to pretend I was just moving my things in, but they figured out the truth right away — I forgot about my things in the basement that had gathered dust on them over the years.
Our problem was the pre-wedding time. VERY difficult. But after the wedding, nearly everyone got over it. It took me years to recover from feeling unease about the lying though. But it is about survival of relationships.
Hi Deb, wow, that was a big secret! And I guess until you experience the situation for yourself it is hard to understand the necessity of lying. I’ve had to learn the hard way so many times in India.
I’m glad to hear everything’s going well post-wedding for you! 
Wow… Entertained by the Maharaja of Udaipur… That must have been quite am experience!!
My Yatra Diary…
Quite an experience. Cocktails one night, and dinner the next. He does this almost every night…. hosts guests important guests. I wasn’t that important though. I was there for work to write about his palace hotels etc.
As a writer I really love your style of writing . Though it is not bombastic it is quite awesome. I am trying to write a blog and I also hope to emaculate your style
padma
Thanks Padma. I try to keep it simple so everyone can read and enjoy it.
Good luck with your blog! Do share when it’s up and running.
Social lying is a time-honored custom for all kinds of reasons, and you’re right, it’s usually easier. And it’s not really a big issue, in my opinion. For example, neither my husband nor I can have anything with alcohol because we both had problems with it in our youth (happily, we don’t have any problems now as long as we avoid it). We just went on a cruise, and rather than get into long details about why we had to question our dinner waiter constantly about the contents of the food, we just explained that we’re “allergic.” Which produces an entirely different response from people than saying we’re recovering alcoholics!
The rich everywhere also act so differently — the new rich or the spoiled children of certain rich especially. There are many old money families in the US, however (and probably in many other parts of the world as well), who are kind and generous to so many people; they very quietly go about doing all kinds of good for the world around them, and few people know about it. The ones who get all the attention are the ones like you described, wearing designer everything and partying with drugs and on and on. Frankly, I think your middle-class life is far more interesting than the Kolkata partiers you knew. They could be acting the same way in any major city in the world, and only the language would change, whereas you live a far more authentic life. Plus you’re able to share it with us so well!
Last but not least, you look just stunning in that photo. The sari is simply stunning, and the homestay looks wonderfully luxurious!
Yes, you’re right Laura. If I was living an upper class life, there’s no way I’d be inspired to write. I’d be busy getting my nails and hair done.
I loved the sari. It had been worn to a wedding. I wish I could’ve kept it.
Oh, here’s a bit more about my sari experience, with another photo. I look freaky tall though!
http://blog.mahindrahomestays.com/wrapping-a-sari-or-saree-whats-your-style/
I know your pain… I’m 5ft11″ and I never felt as tall as I did on my trip to India!
Why are these tall women rush to the country of the shortest men?
You look very beautiful & feminine–not freaky in any shape or form
The fabric is gorgeous! It is silk, right? Red & gold combo looks really festive and rich… red usually compliments any skin tone… (made me remember that in Russian, “red” = beautiful)
Curiously, I see a handful of tall Indian men every day on my way to work, like around 6 feet… but on average, they seem to be about 5’10″ Women–more like 5’4″
The Indian men you see usually are from the certain sections of India and hence relatively taller. Looking at Indians abroad or certain sections of urban India, you would never think that Indians are short.
But if you look at the overall average height of 1.3 billion Indians, the average is 5.4 inches for male and 5.0 for females. Even most Asians are taller than Indians.
I agree with coolblogger. People who made wealth by the sweat of their brows and the ingenuity of their minds earn the right to enjoy it (or to ‘show off’ as the self righteous have-nots would call it). ‘New wealth’ has a trickle down effect. The nouveau rich create opportunities for others to find ways to make them part with their wealth, spreading wealth around.
As for cocaine, it is less harmful and destructive as compared to a whole lot of other things that that middle class people consume or believe in.
@ Indian American from NJ:
That is a poor comparison. If you want to compare India’s rich to Bill Gates, pick Narayana Murthy or Azim Premji. Talking about black money and evading taxes; the economies of countries like Leichenstein and Luxemburg are driven primarily as ‘tax havens’ for wealthy Americans. It is American delusion that Americans are a standard of righteousness for the rest of the world to emulate.
@ Sharell: I don’t think class would have changed who you were as a person. Think Shobaa De.
The black money bit stems from the fact that India doesn’t really provide any incentive for patriotism. To quote Churchill; “India is a geographical term. It is no more a united nation than the equator.”
I totally approve of Black money and the under ground economy.
Here are my reasons.
Ideally, this is not good. Everyone needs to pay their share of taxes so the govt can function properly and be able to do what it is expected to do.
But here is the deal with India.
1. The India govt is a socialist far left govt that pay politics with religion and caste. A single family has ruled India 90% of the time. They are closest to a Feudal/Kingdom where their progenies would get to rule into perpetuity. They manage to do this by scaring and deceiving 600 million living in abject poverty.
2. The economic wealth creators are not represented in this govt. In fact, they are derided as evil people of society. So no taxation without representation.
3. Even if all the black money is turned white by paying taxes…what would this socialist govt do with the money? More wasteful spending and social programs where 80 paise to a rupee is spent in corruption.
So overall, This underground economy is the most efficient where the money moves from one capitalist to another capitalist without the socialist commies dipping into it.
THAT IS THE MOST PATRIOTIC THING AN INDIAN CAN DO IN INDIA TODAY!
“In a way, the struggling Indians are better off than the rich with their addictions, insecurities, and need to “show off”.
Even the middle class in India have this need to show off. And especially “moderns” in the metro areas.
Yeah, probably worse so actually.
“As for cocaine, it is less harmful and destructive as compared to a whole lot of other things that that middle class people consume or believe in.”
Such as….?