The problem of finding a decent Indian guy has been discussed quite a bit around here. But attracting a good Indian girl isn’t any easier — in fact, it’s probably more difficult.
This was confirmed by one reader who commented, “Attracting a good-cultured Indian girl is much more hard than attracting a good-cultured Western Girl. And no one knows it better than Indian guys”.
I dare say a white friend of mine from America knows it quite well too. His saga (and failure) is chronicled here, here, and here. He did actually attract a very good Indian girl. They spent quite a bit of time together, but all his attempts to have a relationship with her met with frustration.
Obviously, the issue is problematic not just for my friend, but for Indian guys as well. So much so, that a book has been written about it. It’s called, The Bad Boy’s Guide to the Good Indian Girl by Annie Zaidi and Smriti Ravindra. They “lift the veil (or sari pallu) on the lives and loves of girls who have been born or raised in the subcontinent”.
The authors were inspired to write the book because of all the Indian men who complain that they simply cannot understand women, particularly Indian women. They actually sympathise with the plight of the Indian man because they know there’s cause for confusion and resentment.
If you’re an Indian guy, have you ever approached an Indian girl but were treated like a pervert when you asked for her name? Or have you given a girl a fancy present but she was too nervous to accept it?
But why? What’s going on and what causes it?
In a recent interview in the Mumbai Mirror, the authors gave the example of how they were instructed not to talk to boys outside when they were undergraduates and living at a very strict girls college. Some girls obeyed. Some didn’t. However, those who talked to boys would give out fake names and fake addresses. As the authors say, “it must’ve been frustrating for boys when they discovered the lie, but on the other hand, what’s a good girl to do?”
Indeed, if the boys had real names and real phone numbers, they’d try and call. The hostel warden would find out. Parents would be summoned. The authorities would tell them that their daughters were up to no good. The girls would be shamed in front of their families, and their families would be shamed in front of the college authorities. So, did the girls really have a choice?
While compiling their book, the authors asked themselves, “how does one get labeled as bad, or not very good, or at least not a good Indian girl?”
The consensus amongst themselves and the people who they asked was that clothes have a lot to do with the stereotype. Interestingly, so does body shape. A stereotypical good Indian girl is expected to not just dress “within limit” but also to somehow make her body look well restrained and cautious. “Limits”, or course, are very hard to define. Apparently, it’s not enough to wear a sari for instance. If you look sexy in a sari, then even that might earn you a bit of social censure.
So, when a girl spends hours trying to make up her mind about what to wear, in India she’s not just worried about looking good. She’s also worried about appearing to be good.
Seemingly, the big issue is that while it’s considered healthy for good Indian girls to be interested in boys, acting on that interest is troublesome territory. How much interest can you show without suffering for it? Can you go out drinking late at night? Can you buy him a drink without being laughed at for being “desperate”? Can you sleep with him and still have him treat you with respect?
Many guys wonder why Indian girls care so much about being seen as a “good girl”. The reason why is if they are seen as “not good girls”, they aren’t treated with respect. Their families aren’t treated with respect. And when things go bad, the girls’ pain and outrage is even turned as a weapon against them. According to the authors, they see it happening time and time again through news reports about girls who are assaulted or harassed.
The questions everyone immediately asks are, “What time was it? Why was she out alone. Did she know the boy(s). What was she wearing? Did she live alone? Why?”
Therefore, overwhelming problem for Indian girls is that a great web of morality confronts them.
The authors do give some advice for attracting a good Indian girl. Not surprisingly, it’s centered around respect.
- Show respect for all girls. NEVER say things like, “she had it coming” or “she is a nympho” or “girls who smoke are more likely to put out”.
- NEVER hint that there’s a separate set of rules for girls and guys. She knows the rules, and will hate you for reminding her.
- DO NOT ask about her sexual history. Let her volunteer the information if she wants to. A girl’s secrecy is often the only defense she has.
As the authors conclude, most Indian girls end up breaking some rules. And what’s more, they do want to. The challenge lies in snatching a bit of joy and freedom for themselves and not getting caught.
My conclusion: although Indian guys are often portrayed badly, I would MUCH rather be an Indian guy than an Indian girl!
Photo credit: Heavenhated.
© 2011, Diary of a White Indian Housewife. All rights reserved. Do not copy and reproduce text or images without permission.
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